OK, the matchup that a handful of people requested, and here we have it. We have Lance Henriksen back as Bishop and our old pal Tommy Flanagan of Sons of Anarchy fame (Chibbs). That’s about it.
October 10, 1904, is when we start, in Antartica. This isn’t The Thing. So this dude is getting stalked by the Predator, and subsequently killed. And there was an alien there. So that’s how we connect the dots. That’s funny because the Predator aims with 3 dots. And uh, roll credits?
Now we are in space. it is October 3, 2004. That seems reasonable. Then we go to Nebraska and see satellites. Weyland company. They were watching The Wolfman. They have a sudden heat source someplace. Now in Nepal, some girl, Alexa Woods, is ice climbing. She got recruited by a black guy named Maxwell who represents Weyland. He has a great voice. Now we are in Mexico, and some guy is making some discovery I guess. This Sebastian guy discovers a Pepsi Cola bottle cap. This rich dude wants a new team because these guys have failed to find whatever. Maxwell shows up and offers the 2 guys money. Lance is Bishop Weyland by the way. Alexa and I think Graeme, are flying to Antartica. The 2 excavator guys want to take the money and go back to Mexico. Good luck. There’s Chibbs!!!! His character is named Mark.
Bishop gives them the low down that basically his company found a pyramid underground. Alexa is saying that they need 3 weeks training at worst to get everybody safe. Bishop says that this is worth the risk. Alexa decides to walk out because she’s the sassy lead. Alexa says that they are making a mistake, blah blah blah. The helicopters are waiting for Alexa’s bitch ass, but as we know that she is the lead, well, obviously she is staying. Sorry for spoiling it for you.
We are in a room, a space ship room with 3 Predator helmets, and they just got beamed to Earth. OK, Alexa is staying. Alexa lays down rules. Nobody goes alone, constant communication, and nobody tries to be a hero. Sebastian says there’s a “hunter’s moon”. Well, we need hunters now dammit!!! Mr. Quinn is in charge of drilling and whatnot and he has a crew, just like Armageddon, but his crew isn’t as spunky, fun, or talented, and no Ben Affleck. Alexa tells Sebastian that everybody disappeared in 2004 with no explanation. What is this, fucking Roanoke? Graeme is busy taking pics and now there is movement. It’s dark, what could it be? Alexa shows up. It was a tiny penguin. I love penguins! Bonus point for a close up on aforementioned penguin.
Our 3 Predators are down now, and they have put on their helmets. Bishop is sick, and Alexa doesn’t want him going. OK, we have a nice big tunnel to descend. Something goes wrong with one of the ropes, and Weyland is sliding, and Alexa saves him by axing his hood. Yeah, that’s right. OK, she has made it down and Bishop is down too, ok, everybody is down, so time to set up power and lights. They head up the stairs, and there are cool statues at least.and an etching with an alien and a predator. Somebody steps pm a trap on the floor. This sets off a chain of events, with chains raising the alien queen. Get it, a chain of events? I love all the statues! Queen was frozen, now she is pissed.
So we have Egyptian, Aztec, and Cambodia writing, and saying “Only the chosen one may enter”. Some drilling dude was getting spooked and then killed by the Predator. Ok, Predator is wrecking these guys. I think Quinn is trying to get away, but his crew is all hung up. He shoots a Predator, and pisses it off, so he gets beat and sent down the tunnel. The Predators appear taller and bigger. They check their wrist thingy to look at the map of the pyramid.
The group has found a sweet sacrifical room. Chosen ones were offered to the Gods. These people died willingly and considered it an honor. Graeme finds a skull and spine intact and thinks it is cool. They hear a noise, but write it off as the tunnel. This new room is all skulls. A frozen alien parasite just fell. Haha.
Queen is laying some eggs now and is like restrained and getting shocked. Also, the eggs are on a conveyor belt. I know I shouldn’t ask, but how is there a conveyor belt down there? Quinn just got killed after surviving the fall. Adele is left with one of the smart guys, maybe Joe or Rusten. Fucked if I know. They find a sarcophagus and put in the date for the combination, and shit son, that worked. Inside they find weapons, like guns, possibly the shoulder guns for the Predators, and there are 3. Bishop is struggling with his breathing. Alexa wants to bring the group back, and Maxwell objects, and she says that they will return tomorrow. Hahaha, they take the guns, and now they are all getting sealed in. Sebastian told them not to take them. Ohhh shit, in the Adele room, eggs just rose up. This is the sacrificial chamber after all. Adele gets a facehugger on her face. Haha.
Alexa wants to leave, Maxwell is like, nope. Maxwell is letting her be too bossy. Adele wakes up and the facehugger is off, but they are on everybody else’s face. She feels a sharp pain and she has a chest-burster and she dead! Yay!!!
So our main group is in a new room, and the Predators used a camouflages rope. The Predators attack. The walls are closing in. Chibbs is stuck with Graeme. Bishop, Alexa, Maxwell and somebody else are together. Chibbs just went off yelling at Graeme. One guy is by himself, and he is really low, and he got got by an Alien. Maxwell asks Bishop what his man died for, and Bishop said he died making history. I think Sebastian is with the other 3. Chibb’s room had an opening, as did Alexa’s room. Lots of tight corridors. Chibbs just had a trap door open below him, and he broke his leg I believe. And there is a big boy alien. Well, Chibbs got it by 3 Aliens. Oh, and Graeme just got taken by an alien too.
Bishop won’t leave the Predator gun, and the predators are back on the hunt. Maxwell just got captured by the Predator net. Alexa just got punted. An Alien just pierced the Predator and killed it. Other Predator is pissed. So now we finally have the fight. The 3 humans are leaving. Predator just ruined his claw with Alien acid. Predator is wrecking this fool, but then it flings acid on his armor. Oh, shit, no armor, and Alien is hiding. Now Alien goes to pounce but Predator nets the alien, and this fucking alien took out 2 Predators. What the fuck man? That acid is killing the Predators.
Bishop is having difficulty breathing again. The last Predator comes in. He sees that Bishop is sick and drops him. SO Predator turns his back to go after the other 2, and Bishop set his ass on fire, so Predator killed him. Dumbass.
We now have Sebastian and Alexa, one Predator and a bunch of aliens. The ceiling and floor are closing in. The humans barely survive. A parasite jumps at Predator, he uses his bladerang and gets it. Then the badass alien goes for the kill, and Predator just slices through him. This guy is no fucking joke. The Predator marks his helmet with acid and the humans can see that. Now the humans are looking at hieroglyphs. So back in the day, the predators taught humans how to build, and when they returned every 100 years they would accept sacrifices to impregnate the humans so the hunters could prove themselves as a rite of passage. If the Predators lost, the space ship would just blow up the area clean.
Graeme is cocooned. He looks like shit. Graeme takes Chibb’s gun and shoots the one about to fly on his face, BUT he is in the egg room. He makes an attempt but overwhelmed. Alexa says that the hunters need their guns. to help them out basically. Sebastian doesn’t want to. So she’s the smart one. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Hmmm, I wrote that recently. A door opens, and they go to find the Predator to give him his gun.
An alien goes after them, and they have to make the unrealistic long jump. She barely hangs on, he saves her, and then he gets dragged away by the alien. So it’s now just her. Fantastic. Typical horror. Also, the parasite’s mouth holes look like vaginas. Just saying. She wanders, and Predator is behind her. He takes out his spear, sexually. She asks him to wait. She slides the gun over to him, but the alien pounces. His spear is knocked away. She uses it on the alien as it goes to pounce on her. It acts dead but isn’t. Just out of reach for his extended mouth. And then he dies. Pred locked his sites on her, but turns around and is firing at aliens left and right. He has his spear back and walks away from her, but she tells him that she is going to go with him. So he backs her up against the wall. He turns and decapitates an alien. He is dissecting the alien. Nice. He is making her a spear and a shield. Believe that.
The aliens report back to the pissed off queen. The big guys are breaking the queen’s chains and restraints. Alexa’s shield is an alien head. I can dig it. She ends up in the egg room. She sees Graeme who is dead. She finds Sebastian in a cocoon. He says that it’s inside him, so Predator is going to kill him. Of Alexa is going to. She off’s Sebastian and Predator approves. The chest-burster comes out and Predator just grabs it and breaks it.
Queen is free now. Oh boy. She is just running, hauling ass. The eggs are hatching. The Predator is setting a bomb, as he explains to her. So he hauls ass. They have to go back up the tunnel via sled attached to a cable. This is something else. Huge explosion. They are still running and everything is breaking and destroying. The floors are crumbling. They make the long leap in the nick of time, or is it knick?
They appear safe, and he removes his helmet. He now has to scar his forehead and her cheek with the acid. So they have their little moment, and then the queen shows up. Pred is using his bladerang a lot. She is whipping his ass with her tail. Alexa prevents him from being impaled. She gets acid on her clothes. Queen is chasing Alexa outside. This is bullshit at this point. Queen would have killed Alexa. Predator jumps in for the save. Queen is attached to a chain attached to this big silo that is tipping. Queen just impaled Predator The silo tips, Pred breaks free. Queen gets pulled down to the cold water. She is going down. Nope, no joke, just going down. Alexa checks on the Predator. The Predator stops moving, he dead. A bunch more show up along with their huge ass ship. They see her markings/scars and leave her be. They pick up the dead Predator for a proper send off. The head guy gives her the retractable spear. Seriously, that just happened. I’m not enraged on the inside at all. The Predators fly away into space and leave Alexa to her whims. We see that the Predator is placed on a table of sorts, and then his chest burtsts, and there’s an alien on their ship. Of course.
End film.
I remember renting this film and watching it with my buddy Bob. We were not happy at the end. I was ignorant of the franchises, by and large, so I had no horse in the race so speak. In the end, we were annoyed. Do you know why? Because why the fuck does a girl always have to be the survivor? Chibbs could have been awesome, but no, always a female. Maxwell also would have been great. I understand in these vs movies, you almost have to make one of the “bad guys” a lesser of the 2 evils so the humans can join in. Note how Freddy vs Jason went down and they helped Jason. I could live with the scarring, I could almost live with the idea that he knew that he needed back up. I didn’t like her getting a free spear without putting out. Just saying. I mean, that spear is not very easy to come by, I imagine. Of course, they left it open for a sequel because Queen has simply been brought to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean. Then they hammered the point home with the chest burster at the very end. They were practically smacking our faces with their dicks saying “Hey, we can do a sequel, we want to do one. Please, give us attention.” I am seeing why Sigourney wasn’t involved but she would have been way better and made more sense as the last one standing obviously with her blood, and I bet they originally had her in mind, but maybe I am wrong, but doubt it.
Final rating: 5.5 because I’d watch it again, it was sufficient, but the leads were annoying and that brings it down for me, and the Predators should have been more badass. The humans had too much screen time.
ll the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Twentieth Century Fox (presents) (as Twentieth Century Fox)
- Davis Entertainment (as Davis Entertainment Company)
- Brandywine Productions (as Brandywine)
- Lonlink Productions (in co-production with) (as Lonlink)
- Stillking Films (in co-production with) (as Stillking)
- Kut Productions (in co-production with) (as Kut)
- Studio Babelsberg (in co-production with) (as Zweite Babelsberg Film GmbH)
- Inside Track Films (produced in association with) (as Inside Track 2 LLP)
- Charenton Productions Limited (uncredited)
- Impact Pictures (uncredited)
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