I loved the original, let’s see how the sequel goes. I’ll give a quick actor and character list. Danny Glover as Lt Mike Harrigan, Gary Busey as Pete Keyes, the girl from the Running Man as Leona Cantrell, Bill Paxton as Jerry Lambert, Adam Baldwin as Garber, and Morton Downey Jr as Tony Pope. That is a fucking cast. Let’s do this thang.
We are in in the future, LA…1997. OK, lots of violence. This seems accurate. 109 degrees and everybody is in a gunfight. The female reporter made me giggle. Danny Glover is a cop….hello detective Tapp, I want to play a game. There is a drug war going down too between Jamaicans and Columbians.. Mike goes for some guns to save some of his boys. Wow, Mike just rode with his door off and taking on drug dealers with a lot of guns, and a dude snorting coke. Awesome. The predator watches this all go down. The head guy gets in a gunfight with Mike, and the guy sees the camouflaged Predator and goes to shoot it, so Mike opens fire. Mike sees the Predator but plays it off like he was seeing shit. Now upon inspection, there are bodies hung all about like 30 feet in the air. It is pure silliness.
There’s some government officials and Busey, I mean Keyes. We end up at the really awesome police station, oh the hilarity. There’s Paxton! Busey just talked about King Willie’s Voodoo Gang. WOW. This is too funny. Lambert is referred to as the Lone Ranger, and he is very enthusiastic, and could pass as Jerry O’Connell’s cousin. So Paxton was in the sequel to both Alien and Predator. Cantrell grabbed Lambert by the balls cause he was annoying her. Apparently Lambert asked to be transferred here, and he may not be a total team player. Mike gives Lambert the talk about being a team player.
Some chick was just riding a dude’s disco stick, and we have boobs, and they are fake and she has great 80’s hair. Willie’s gang is sending a message to this guy. This Jamaican dude is fucking great. Black guy stabs the dude that was banged. Hey, bush too. Anyway, the Predator comes in and fucks up the Jamaicans, and I saw man bush too. Can we go back to fake tits? OK, so everybody except possibly the hooker. The cops show up and inspect what the fuck went down. This is a mess to keep track of, but it’s hilarious. A bunch of skinned bodies hanging from the ceiling. Hooker survived, and she says that the devil came for them. Busey’s group shows up and wants these cops the fuck out as this is their scene. Busey is good as a dick.
Mike has Lambert follow Busey’s team. The cops are a scheming. The girl never got to wherever the feds took her on a chopper. Paxton is incredibly funny as a cocky dude, and he goes to hit on some chick with a nice smile. Glover is all paranoid and spying on Busey. Hmmm, just like in Saw. This is kind of a hard film to blog during. I apologize.
Danny is Mike’s Spanish partner, and he goes to get the projectile that the Predator shot into the vents. I don’t like the Predator talking. Danny got got.
The media is running a smear campaign on Mike, so his bosses are talking about what to do with this shit. Mike has to stay out of the whole scene, including whoever killed Danny. Mike makes a big scene and yells and gets physical with Keyes. I enjoy Adam Baldwin being Key’s flunky. So Mike, Jerry Lambert, and Leona Cantrell are gonna work to figuring out Danny’s murder. I am just going to use first names.
SO the guys had the weapon spear analyzed, nothing like it on the periodic tables. Mike gets in a big ass car with the Jamaicans and this dude has a big blunt, and offer Mike to smoke some ganja. Mike walks down an alley to talk with Big Willie. This guy is absolutely ridiculous to look at in a silly stereotypical way. The dreadlocks, the way he talks, this is fucking silly. He has a sweet cobra headed cane. I would pay $100 for that without even thinking. This movie sucks, and I doubt it will get any better, but one can only hope. Mike leaves, the Predator drops down from the roof to get at Willie. He takes out the sword, and he gets his head ripped off as Predator walks away with it like Jason did in Freddy vs Jason. We watched the Pred clean the skull. Tony Pope is reporting in a sensationalistic way. Fantastic.
So they get a lead on going to a slaughterhouse to track down Keyes. I just sighed loudly. Jerry and Leona are on the subway, and some gang is trying to be dicks to a chick and some business dude, so the cops pull their guns, everybody has guns out, and the Predator jumps in and starts killing everybody. This is just a clusterfuck. Jerry is talking shit to Pred. He is firing on it like a dumbass. Leona is getting everybody to move up a few train cars. Leona finally pulls the emergency stop lever, because nobody pulled it when they heard all the gunshots. Fuck this. I think Jerry got got as he took a swipe at Predator. Jerry is dead and he and others are hung upside down. Predator attacks Leona! Thank you for minor miracles. Fuck, she’s in deep shock, and pregnant and alive. It is safe to speculate that it is Danny’s baby.
Mike checks out the scene of the crime. Predator just ripped the head and spine out of Jerry. The Predator is running on top of cars and this is just……like swamp ass on film. Mike finds Keyes, and Keyes’ outfit, like a metallic silver sweatsuit. Keyes is you know, the greedy government guy who is insistent on learning more about this badass. So these silver suits block the heat vision. They have set up this cattle slaughterhouse with ultraviolet blah blah blah. They set up a trap to hopefully snag this Predator. Oh, this is a pleasant idea. Why isn’t Baldwin in with the group? He’s a true badass. The Predator is circling behind all of these guys, so Mike is coming for the rescue. He told Baldwin to fuck himself.
Everybody is getting slaughtered by Predator and his sweet staff. Busey is the last man standing. The first 5 are dead. Fucking Mike is taking his sweet ass time. What a joke. Oh, he blows open the door before Pred gets Busey. Busey just got it anyway. Pred’s camouflage isn’t working, poor little fella. Mike just shot the shit outta Predator, and he’s down and bleeding. Mike removes the helmet. Mike calls him one ugly mother fucker, just like Arnold. These mean pricks. Predator is up and pissed. Busey is still alive. He is trying to freeze the Predator. Busey’s face is fucked, he got cocky, so Pred threw this bladed disc boomerang that slicked through frozen cattle, and Busey’s neck. OK, NOW Busey is dead.
Glover was getting chased, got the boomerang, and is now in the Pred’s ship or domain at the very least. Details of this are unimportant. We see Pred’s skull trophy collection of various animals and whatnot. Pred used his net, but Glover used the bladerang. Now it’s like a shitty sword dueling fight. Danny gets Pred right in the belly/chest area with the blade. Here comes the cavalry! 9 Predators surround Glover and they pick up their fallen member. They don’t attack, they just wanted their guy back. The last one gives Glover a dueling pistol from 1715 and the Predator says to take it. Then the ship starts, Glover bails, and they take off and big explosion and Danny leaping towards the camera, like every action film in the 80’s. It ended, I won’t even bother, but…..
End film.
Fuck this movie. It was bad. How it got a 6.2 on IMDB is beyond me. I can’t even fathom it. I am just blown away. Who is rating this? I am generously giving this a 4.5 because of the cast, Bill Paxton and the Jamaicans being fun, the fake tits, and the Predator still being a badass.
Final rating: 4.5
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