Time to go a few years back, to a simpler time, when birds were scary. Yeah, I don’t really know what to expect but I had this and Psycho. So deal with it, and let’s hope for the best. I am kinda looking forward to this.
Alfred doesn’t let us down, his lead actress is beautiful, as per usual. He likes his beautiful blondes and apparently birds. Lots of them already. The main chick is Melanie Daniels. She is outside, lots of birds. She goes into a store, it is apparently a bird store where there sell a bunch of birds. Was this a thing? The handsome gentleman captures the loose bird and says “Back to your cage Melanie Daniels” and she asks how he knew her name, and he says “A little birdie told me.” I enjoyed the wit on him.
Ohhh, old school shot of lady driving and the background is moving like she’s actually driving. It makes me giggle. And when she turns, the 2 birds tilt. Ahhhh.
So she goes into this general store. post office and asks the worker about 20 straight questions, and he is easily my favorite character. She wants to surprise the people across the bay, so driving won’t cut it, nope, she wants a boat. Then she wants to know the girl’s name that lives there. The dude and his co-worker disagree on whether her name is Alice or Lois. The clerk insists it’s Alice. Great. Upon asking another lady, she finds out that the name is Cathy. Ha!
While talking about Mitch, Raylene says that he’s a womanizer. I just broke out singing WOmanizer by Britney. Admit, that brought a smile to your face.
So she gets her boat, and the guy is not running it, he just lets her go. Women can’t drive boats in a fur coat. And now she is paddling. What the fuck, this is great. So she just walks into this house, leaves 2 lovebirds, and 2 notes. One is for Cathy. Cathy is Mitch’s sister. It’d help if I paid more attention instead of writing this, Am I right?
Mitch goes in his house to find the birds. He goes out, doesn’t see any cars. He looks out in the bay, gets the ole binoculars out, and he has such a great look on his face. He then races to his car. He drives like a fucking maniac to beat her back to the dock. And she suddenly gets attacked….by a gull.
So just an update, Mitch has invited Melanie to dinner, and his mom is acting odd. Melanie comes over for dinner. Cathy is like a young teen maybe, maybe younger. She talks about how Mitch goes to San Fran and hangs out with hoods. Ah, not even gonna touch that one. The mom is terribly suspicious of Melanie’s role in Mitch’s life. Oh, we found out that Melanie jumped into a fountain nude. Melanie is well known via the newspaper. Her dad owns a rival newspaper.
When she is ready to leave, Mitch and Melanie have a humorous back and forth, where she gets pissy. He has the smuggest look on his face. I have that face often. I think for him, that was like reaching second base with a chick. When I piss off women, that’s what it’s like for me, cause I’m a jerk. Lot’s of birds at Mitch’s place.
Annie, the lady Melanie is staying with, she appears to have had a fling with Mitch, the womanizer. Apparently Lydia, Mitch’s mom, is a jealous shrew who tries to keep women away from him. Apparently Mitch is a helluva ladies man, just like me, only the exact opposite. Everybody smokes in this movie. I am kinda hoping that Cathy starts smoking at some point. Awww, Mitch is being a bitch and apologizing. See, told you he was the antithesis of me. Mitch invited Melanie to Cathy’s party tomorrow. A bird flew headfirst into Annie’s door. Ohhhhh shiiiiiiit.
Mitch is working on getting her tanked, while they are walking on the sand. She must have so much sand in those shoes. OK, now Mitch is awesome. Just walking along the sandy coast of sorts, and he just has this bottle of liquor, I’m going to guess Gin, and he just keeps filling up his and her glass. I wish Melanie would let her hair down, but that would probably have been too sexy at the time. But damn, I wanna see it. Melanie is also wearing the same outfit from the day before, because that’s what sexy bitches do.
FINALLY, the kids are getting attacked by the birds!!!! Business just picked up. These kids are dumb as fuck. Not a single one ran into the house, they just scattered around outside. And I thought kids today are dumb. Wait, they still are, just a different kind of dumb. Won’t somebody at least grab and save the cake? A bunch of birds just came down the chimney. That was fucking great. There are hundreds of birds in this house.
Lydia just found some older dude dead in his home, I don’t know who he was. Lydia was hysterical. I laughed. Woah, Mitch and Melanie are already making out, it’s day 3. That’s some fast-moving. So the old dude was Dan Fawcett, whoever the hell that’s supposed to be, Lots of talk between Melanie and Lydia about Lydia approving and liking whatever girl Mitch chooses. Hmmm, a man and his mother theme may just come into play later on today in another movie. Hint, yeah, it definitely will.
So Melanie goes to the school to talk to Annie, but she is teaching the kids some fucking song that has been going for like 7 minutes now. All the while, birds are slowly gathering. First, there was only 3-4 and now there are hundreds. Awesome. Clutch call by Annie. Let’s not keep the kids inside where it’s safe. No, let’s get the kids to leave the safety of the building to go outside and run home or run down the hill to the hotel. The kids are not smart enough to lift their shirts over their heads. A ginger kid just got it. Some girl fell, her glasses fell and broke. Naturally, I say “My glasses” in a Velma tone.
This random lady at the diner just happens to know the difference between blackbirds and crows and their Latin names. Ornithology is her application. Yup, her words, not mine. There’s also a crazy dude in the diner. This whole scene, fantastic. Seriously, my absolute favorite scene in this whole movie. The dialogue is cheesy, but also partially threatening considering the time period. Mrs. Bundy, the ornithologist is just ripping off all od these facts. The drunk salesman at the end of the bar/diner because they are 2 in the same, is talking about it being the end of the world. I love it.
There was just an attack, and then a gas pump leak, a huge explosion that Michael Bay would be jealous of, and the birds are having an all-out onslaught. That’s great. Melanie is trapped in a phone booth. The glass is shattering. Oh, ma goooodness. All the cowardly women are hiding in the diner, along with Mitch, protector of all things vaginal. I keep waiting for Randall Flagg to show up. OK, maybe 2 of you got that reference, not bad, give yourself a pat on the back or a reach around butt grab, whatever is preferable. Oh, Annie got got. Cathy is still alive, so Annie was probably trying to protect her. Mitch wanted to huck rocks at the crows, but Melanie was all like “No don’t do it, it’s not worth it to risk it, not over this shit, stop, drop the biscuit” or something similar. Thank you, Eminem and Dr. Dre.
Still 25+ minutes. 2-hour long movie = long blog. I’m a mathemagician.
OK, after 5 boring minutes, the birds are attacking Mitch’s house with Cathy, Lydia, and Melanie in it as well. This attack I felt was extremely underwhelming, downright disappointing. This is getting to the end of your film, we need a crescendo. Melanie is still in the house snooping around, enters a room with a ton of the Birds, and they attack her. She never once screamed for help. Like that just makes no fucking sense. I enjoyed the attack, but no logic here. And then Mitch saved her. Why didn’t she scream? WHY? I’m sorry, but that is going to lower the overall rating. I can’t get past it, and I should, but I can’t, sorry.
WAIT a second. So he decides they need to drive her to the hospital. So he makes it to the garage. He opens the door and just turns on the radio, never put the key in. I am gonna feel like a real jackass if this comes down to my complete lack of knowledge of all things vehicle-related, but that doesn’t make sense for me. How did the radio turn on without a key in the switch? I feel that Mitch needs a super soaker. That would solve everything. This movie is 51 years old, so I guess THAT ain’t happening. And he gets them all in Melanie’s car, including the lovebirds, and drive off, leaving behind 400-500 birds, the anticlimactic end.
IN CONCLUSION, this movie is 51 years old. You have to rate it on a different scale. My understanding is that this movie was terrifying then, and is hilarious now, as is the standard. It was a well-shot, well-crafted film for its time. It’s still fun to watch nowadays. I do have to drop the rating for total lack of common sense. That always bothers me, especially in a movie that is attempting to take itself seriously. This wasn’t Slumber Party Massacre 3 or Friday the 13th 8, this was one of Hitchcock’s most revered films, so I have to be fair. I have seen this 2 full times, and partially a handful of other times. It’s good, it’s fun, but far from perfect. I’m giving it a 6.6 because of the things that it does well, it’s really good. When everything is clicking, this movie is pretty riveting. When logic gets tossed to the wind, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and that happens a few times. I would recommend this to anybody who wants to see a movie that is still very watchable today. I know you younger people just think most old movies are dull, but there are always exceptions to the rule. As was the standard though, it started out very, very slow.
Final Rating: 6.6
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Alfred J. Hitchcock Productions
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