I am not looking forward to this. I don’t know how close to the original it is, but I’m going to try it. Michelle Trachtenberg is pretty at least. (2019 update: I know that another remake is coming out this year, and it looks significantly better than this tripe. It has Cary Elwes.)
We start off at a sorority and it’s Christmas time and there are present, and a chick who is drinking some wine. This chick’s name is Clare, and there’s movement in her closet. She thinks that it’s from the vents, so drink more. She gets a bag placed over her head and a knife to the head, and there’s our opening, same as the original.
We are now at Clark Sanitarium, leave me be. One of the orderlies is giving everybody milk, cookies, and chicken. The guy turns around and there’s Santa. Santa recognizes one of the guy’s names, Billy Lenz. Billy has yellow skin. Billy’s mom used to lock him up.
A couple is in a car and the girl says that she needs to be with her sorority sisters, and they make out, and the audience simply doesn’t give a fuck. Hey, we have a Ms. Mac at least. These girls are too pretty. It’s a tad stupid.
At the sanitarium, Billy leaves a gift for the guard. The guard opens it, and it says “I’ll be home for Christmas. Billy has been sucking on a candy cane to make into a shiv. The guard unwisely goes in when he doesn’t see Billy. Billy hides under the bed, has enough time to crawl out, stand up, and stab him in the throat. Yup.
Megan says Fuck Christmas. Yes, fuck it. Big Lebowski reference from me. Some chick is watching porn. Good for her. I feel I may have made a mistake in watching this film. Oh well. On the plus side, it’s 90 minutes. So porn girl hears something upstairs and goes to the attic, and there is the fucking Nutcracker Suite playing. She asks who’s fucking with her. She sees Clare in the rocking chair. Killer gets up and puts a bag over her head and rips out her eyeball.
At the sanitarium, a nurse walks by Santa and asks “Hey Santa, if I sit on your lap will you give me what I want”. That is beyond classy if you ask me. He asks her if she’s ever seen the backseat of a sleigh. Santa is looking for her, but then gets killed by Billy. Billy puts on the Santa disguise and dumps the body in the dumpster.
I guess it’s a tradition to buy Billy a Christmas gift at the sorority. Oh man, this bitch is irritating, trying to ruin the Christmas spirit. Cunt. Billy used to live there. Flashback. We see that in 1970, Billy was born with a liver disease that yellowed his skin. When his mom saw him, all she could see was his dad. Mom crushes the “Baby’s First Christmas 1970” Christmas tree bulb. In 1975, bitch mom says that the Russians shot Santa’s sleigh down and Santa is dead while Billy is leaving cookies. Billy’s dad tries to tell him not to listen to her, but Billy is disturbed. So he hides in his closet, just like Tom Cruise. That joke hasn’t gotten old yet. Billy has a gift from Santa, and he hears parents arguing and fighting, mom is beating the fuck out of dad from the sound of it. Billy looks under the door crack to see his mom wrap dad’s head in a bag and beat it with a hammer. Billy hides in his closet. Billy sees his mom and some dude in the basement digging a hole to bury dad, but they see him so he run to the attic, and she locks the door. There’s that back story. I appreciate a backstory.
They get a deranged phone call, and Drunky McBitch is being an idiot. The call came from Clare’s cell. Heather has some red in her hair. She is given a glass unicorn for a gift from Eve, who looks like our nerdy girl.
1982, mom is banging the dude on the top of the stairs, and we see her tits. Bout time. She goes upstairs after, well the attic, and mom comes to Billy in the rocking chair. She drops her clothes, and 9 months later, she is pregnant. Well, that got weird fast. Ms. Mac sees Eve at the door, and grabs her gift and Ever is gone. Eve’s mom is a legacy. Megan’s cell calls, and it’s the deranged voice again. Kelli, the blonde goes to look for Megan, and Kyle climbed in through her window. The girls are accusing him of making the call. Kyle tells the story of Billy in 1991, so he’s 21 now. He has a Christmas card from mom and stepdad and has a new telescope. Billy looks into a loving family’s house. His sister/daughter, Agnes, is opening present with mommy. She hears Billy walking and asks if it’s Santa. Mom goes to get a cookie in the kitchen for Agnes. Billy is downstairs, and Mom gets a call from Billy, and Agnes is missing. Mom and stepdad go looking upstairs. They hear Agnes scream downstairs. Billy has the bag over her head and is eating her eyeball. Stepdad charges, knife to the face. He then strangles mom with Christmas light and pummels her with a rolling pin. He then takes out an angel shaped cookie cutter, cut her skin off and baked it. Now 2 cops are there. They find him eating his mom cookies. Billy was declared insane. Agnes was at an orphanage, and nobody has seen her since.
There’s somebody at the door. It’s Clare’s sister. Ugh, Kyle and Kelli are talking. Clare’s sister is a prissy, obnoxious me first bitch. Sister’s name is Leigh, and she used to be at the sorority and is annoyed with the Billy gift-giving tradition. There’s a new gift from Billy. Mac wants to open it, and it has a baby doll in it, just like what Agnes had. Leigh just wants to know where her sister is. The newspaper that was used for wrapping paper was dated December 26, 1991. McDrunk just puked. Kyle and Kelli hear noises upstairs. Ohhh boy, Kelli sees the porn that Megan was looking at, and yeah, it’s of Kyle with a chick. Kelli is happy. The bitches are all being mean to him, and he tells them to fuck off like he’s the bad guy. Either I missed something, or this is why I hate typical women. Their house has lost power but other houses have power.
Drunk needs a shower. In the floor tiles, a couple has come up and we see an eye peeking out, and Drunky gets nude, there’s some ass and sideboob. OK, that works for me. Drunk’s name is Lauren. Her name is Crystal Lowe, look her up, she has done lots of nudity for lots of shitty horror sequels. Melissa takes care of her. I think it’s Dana that is outside looking for the fuse box. Ms. Mac is such a let down in this. Dana just got got via a garden rake. They get a call from Dana’s phone, the same type of call. Heather notices that Eve’s car is still there. So we have Kelli and Melissa trying to get under the house looking for Dana. Heather and Mac find a decapitated Eve in her car. They run inside, and Mac says that HE’s home. Because of the storm, and trees are down, so the police may make it in 2 hours. Mac wants to get to the police station. Kelli wants to stay at the house. Melissa won’t leave, neither will Kelli or Leigh, and Lauren is tanked. That means Mac and Heather are going to the police. I hope I have the names right.
Mac and Heather make it to the car, and they both make it in. Heather asks what the snowbrush is. Seriously. Well, the car just shook, and Heath is dead. An icicle just fell and killed Mac. This is fucking awful. The girls are wondering why the car hasn’t moved yet. Melissa is taking on the killer. She gets killed via ice skate. Kelli and Leigh are blocked in. I don’t like any of these people. Kyle is due to make an appearance any moment I am guessing. Annnnd 30 second later, there he is. Also, Lauren is dead. Kelli, Leigh, and Kyle are the only ones left.
The voice on the phone asks what they have done to Agnes. Leigh is still believing that Clare is alive. The girls want to go in the attic, and Kyle doesn’t want to, but the bitches are hellbent. Good, you can all die. Kyle is ok, but we know that he has to get got. I keep misspelling Kelli because it’s a stupid way to spell it. Kyle gets pulled upstairs, gets bagged, but fights free, but killer gets him in the head. Leigh sees Clare finally. So we have Leigh and Kelli, and now Agnes has pulled out Kyle’s eyeballs and eating them. Leigh has fallen through the ceiling. We see Agnes light up candles and all of our dead people, and it’s nicely decorated. Leigh falls through, and Kelli goes to jump, but he gets her. She is bagged. The candles have fallen and started a fire. She stabs Agnes in the eye, no screams of pain and she just pulls it out with no problem. Agnes says that her daddy is here.
This is just dumb how they are doing this. Billy has shown up. Kelli is between the walls with Agnes below her and Billy above. Leigh is trying to break through the wall to save Kelli. The flaming comes down the hole with Billy and Agnes. Leigh and Kelli scurry out.
At the hospital, there’s a news reporter recounting the events. The bodies are brought in to the coroner. We see movement. This dude is not a happy fella. He unzips the bag, sees Agnes. Billy is alive and kills the guy with a saw. Kelli is in a hospital bed and Leigh is with her. Leigh is going to open the present from Clare since she doesn’t have a sister to open it in front of anymore. The doctor wants to do X Rays on Kelli. Well, Billy is up in the ceiling now. They have dragged this a bit. Leigh goes to check on Kelli and sees her lying face down, but it’s Agnes, and she snaps Leigh’s neck. The nurse leaves Kelli alone. Kelli finds the Leigh gift in her bed, and it’s bloody. Kelli is now worried, and she should be, slightly. She sees blood coming from the ceiling and she hits the emergency button, but the door is locked. The ceiling panel is moving. Kelli gets the chest paddles and uses them on Agnes’ face. Bill drops down. Kelli is out the door, and she hits him with a crutch. She runs into a cart with surgical tools on it, so Billy stabs her a few time, and then she throws him off the stair balcony and he is impaled on the tree at the bottom. Really?
End film.
This movie actually made it to theaters. It was advertised for. It made a profit, almost double what it cost. But this is not a good movie.I wanted it to be. And despite my criticism of the original, this one did have more gore, but it wasn’t good gore. The kills were still way too swift. The fact that we know who the killers are, it was something I discussed at length in the original’s blog. I decided that I liked not to know who the killer was. This wasn’t the remake of Halloween where a backstory was welcome. I didn’t like the characters in this. Ms. Mac, like what the fuck happened? You had a really great character in her, Mr. Harrison, and the cops, and you just threw it all away. Shame on the writers. I don’t want a shot for shot remake, but to get rid of most of your best characters and substitute them for lousy ones is just ludicrous. Sorry, I gave the original a 5.3.
Final rating: 4.0 Took most of the good characters from the original out, replaced the girls with overly attractive girls, so it came out unrealistic, and in 2006, those kills and eyeball eating, no, fuck off.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Dimension Films (presents)
- 2929 Productions
- Adelstein-Parouse Productions
- Hard Eight Pictures
- Hoban Segal Productions
- Victor Solnicki Productions
- Movie Central Network (developed in association with)
- Corus (developed in association with)
- Province of British Columbia Production Services Tax Credit (with the participation of)
- Copperheart Entertainment (uncredited)
- Milestone Entertainment (production services)
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