No catchy tune to start us off. But there is the lovely, and young Shawnee Smith of Saw fame. You know, she became Jigsaw’s apprentice, went through the worst scene in Saw history in part 2 being thrown into the pit of needles. And we have Kevin Dillon as well. Jeffrey DeMunn is in this, you know, Dale from the Walking Dead, also in Shawshank, The Myst, and Green Mile. Frank Darabont is involved.
Holy shit, Dale looks so young!!! He’s the sheriff. My god, Kevin Dillon’s hair is about as majestic as Travolta’s in the original Carrie. Wow. His name is Brian Flagg, sorta like Randall Flagg from The Stand. And just like in the Stand, Brian biffed it trying to make a jump and tumbled down a dirt hill entertaining the homeless guy collecting cans. Dale is a player trying to get a waitress to go out with him. Oh, there’s the meteor and the Old Man bum was near the scene. Some teenage guy is named Scott is Paul’s buddy and Paul is after Shawnee’s character, Meg. Art LaFleur is the pharmacist. You would recognize him if you saw him, he just is one of those recognizable guys.
Old Man checks out the meteor, and his dog ain’t having none of that, so it high tails it up on outta there. So Old man grabs a branch to get what’s in it, and it gets on him and hurts him. Scott buys condoms at the pharmacy, says it’s for his buddy Paul well the pharmacist is Meg’s dad. Yeah, hilarious. Also, Meg’s younger brother played Jesse, Lucy’s younger brother in Return of the Living Dead II. So lots of tie ins. Old Man tried taking a hatchet to his hand to remove the Blob. Paul and Meg are in a car, run into Old Man and Brian is right there as well. So they take him to the hospital.
Brian is such a rebel without a cause. Paul says something is happening to Old Man and gets the doctor, and Old Man is missing his bottom half. Paul then shortly thereafter gets consumed. No pussy for him tonight. Dale is pissed, he wants the son of a bitch behind it. Needless to say, Flagg is apprehended. Scott is making out with Vicky in one of those makeout spots. Scott is perhaps the greatest playa in cinema history. He wants Vicky to fuck him and he tells her that she has his ring, and he wants to make her another drink. This shit is so impressive. He has a bunch of bottles of booze, some Hawaiian Punch, an electric mixer, a mini basketball hoop with like shag carpeting for a backboard, and the piece do resistance, a box full of rings that he gives all of his women. Sir, I salute you. He gets back in the car, she is passed out. Well now’s as good a time as any to unbutton her top and feel her up. That is until the Blob attacks him from inside her. Dun dun dun.
Meg goes to bail out Flagg, but he had just been released. He tries to blow off Meg, but she ain’t having it. I just made another connection. Shawnee Smith was in the Stand and was on Randall Flagg’s side as she fucked Rob Lowe and M O O N.
Meg and Flagg are at the diner and eating pie. I love pie. Don’t you?
George, the cook at the diner was helping unclog the drain and well the Blob got him. Now the Blob is chasing Flagg and Meg to the freezer, but the Blob doesn’t like the freezer so it backs away and it goes after Fran the waitress, Poor Dale ain’t gonna get any loving at this rate either. She’s in a phone booth and well she is getting engulfed. The Blob had a sheriff’s badge in it and a dead guy. Hmmm. Well Fran, you just got Blob’d. Haha, Flagg just knocked over and referenced strawberry jelly. That was funny.
Now we have the government in those suits to prevent themselves from getting infected. It has hit a small lull. Meg’s brother and his buddy are watching some made up slasher flick. And yes, we are quintessentially recreating the movie theater scene. 2 guys get it in the projection booth. Ohhh, the town is under quarantine. They are taking Meg and Flagg in a van. Meg is ok with it, but Flagg is gonna escape the van. He escapes, but Meg refuses to go because she’s an idiot. Bill Moseley is one of the guys in suits I believe, hard to get a good look and figure out what exactly he’d look like in 88. Bill played Otis in Devil’s Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses.
Back to the theater, Meg is on her way to find her brother, and the Blob has made its presence felt. This is a lot more visually scary, they made this far more edgy, which is cool in a way. Why remake something if you aren’t gonna try some new things? The Blob is after Meg and the 2 boys. They end up down in the sewers, and the Blob has already been down there once. Flagg has his motorcycle and is trying to figure out how to get outta town.
The black dude in charge of the military is basically giving the ok to wipe out this town to prevent it from spreading. Flagg is going for the same bike jump as he did in the beginning when he fell, naturally he made it and flipped everybody off. He ends up near a drainage pipe. I wonder if he will reunite with Meg? Nah, that would be way too convenient. I think I just saw Otis. We’ll say that I did either way. Back to the sewers. The military is down there as is the Blob. The brother’s friend just got consumed, so Meg dove under for him. And Ben is dead. Bother and very wet sister are climbing up away from The Blob. Meg is too big to escape through the grate that Kevin did. A military guy just got it. Meg is crawling up a different pipe and there’s Flagg. No fucking way!!!! Haha, cliches are cliched. Flagg is riding his bike in the sewers he rides the side past the Blob and down goes the bike. They ditch the bike.
Uh oh, on the street level, they are closing off the manhole ad parking a vehicle’s tire over the cover. Flagg grabs a bazooka from a soldier with him and blows up the manhole cover and vehicle. Ahhhh, that’s what we’ve been missing, a big ass explosion. Now everybody has guns pointed at each other, Reservoir Dogs style between Flagg, the cop, the military. Flagg is claiming this is all some germ warfare testing blah blah blah. And the black guy gets it. Man, the Blob is pissed. Another guy gets it. the priest is saying this has all been prophecized. Meg just realizing it can’t stand the cold. All these military guys, but she’s the brains. This has become this epic fucking showdown.
Flagg has a plow truck. Awesome. The town is trapped in a big building, they are trying to barricade themselves. The other cop just got it horrifically, and he dead. Flagg is being a hero in his truck. That went incredibly well. The truck is flipped over. Meg has a military gun now. Flagg is stuck in the truck trying to distract it from killing Flagg. She sets an explosive, but her boot is trapped suddenly on a hose. Sooo funny. Flagg with the last-second save. And BOOOOOOM, big freezing explosion, and Blob is fucked. The Blob is now like shards and crystals and whatnot. So silly. The Reverend has kept a piece of Blob in a glass jar, and that was an ominous ending. They were clearly leaving it open for a sequel. There was a character called The Can Man, who was the bum in the beginning. Hmmm, in The Stand, there’s Trashcan Man. Lots of Stand connections. And it’s over by the way complete with amazing 80’s rock music during the credits. How I miss this music.
In conclusion, this was a noble attempt at a remake. Like they went for a much darker take on the original and took some chances. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t as good. This was some fun 80’s stuff. I would recommend this for 80’s horror fans, and that’s probably it. I give it a 6.0, I feel it was fair. I was interested almost the whole time. That’s a plus.
Final Rating: 6.0
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- TriStar Pictures (presents) (as Tri-Star Pictures)
- Palisades California Inc. (copyright holder) (as Palisades California, Inc.)
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