Yes, here it is….#100. In my opinion, this is the best horror film to come out since SAW. That’s how much I thoroughly love this movie. It starts off in a Cabin…..in the woods. Yup, that’s #100 for us this year. This movie is fucking hilarious while being a horror flick with tons of awesome visuals. This is a magical movie that transcends the genre. Perhaps not the most popular choice, but as you will see, this movie makes my bulge bigger.
This movie starts right off with the Dad from Step Brothers, Richard Jenkins, whose character’s name is Sitterson. He is joined by the antagonist in Billy Madison, you know the really funny Adam Sandler flick with amazing replay value, Bradley Whitford, and his character’s name is Hadley. They work at some government facility. Next we meet the 5 college students. We have the goodie girl who is not wearing pants, Dana. The other hot chick is Jules. Jules’ boyfriend is Curt, played by Thor Hemsworth. We got his buddy Holden. And finally we have our stoner, Marty whom I wasn’t terribly excited about, but he has some damn fine lines. These 5 are going to a cabin in the woods.
On their way they stop at a gas station, the dude there is a fucking weirdo. They get gas and move along to the cabin. We see that the people at the facility are taking bets. Something is quite odd. We get a report about the young people from somebody. Curiouser and curiouser. Jules is a hot horror slut and she makes no bones about it. After a fun game of Truth or Dare where Jules makes out with a mounted wolf head and then her and Thor go outdoors to fuck. During the Truth or Dare, Dana finds a books that tells a story that ins’t taken terribly serious. Marty keeps hearing hearing shit, but he is a stoner…..so yeah.
Back at the facility, our 2 guys say a prayer, and a handle is pulled, and some liquid, appears to be blood, gets cracked out of a bottle and flows through this carving of sorts. I don’t really know how to explain. So Thor and Jules go out to fuck, we finally get to see her tits. Then they get attacked by the the zombie family that was discussed in the book. Marty makes a bulge reference, goes outside and Thor comes blasting by warning him to get inside. Thor wants to board up windows and unsure everybody stays together. So the guys unleash some gas so that now Thor suggests they split up to cover more ground, everybody agrees except for Marty who condescendingly says “Really?”. Now that everybody went into separate rooms, our 2 guys push a button, now all the doors in the cabin are locked.
Marty makes a discovery and they almost drug him, but daddy Buckner is closing in, so they let him get Marty instead. He is dragged off by Buckner while screaming for help. We then hear what sounds likes stabbing and a last gasp of breathe. Poor Marty, he was a fun character.
The Buckners are attacking the house. Holden and Dana are working on getting to the basement. Thor, well he’s doing Thor things, but there’s no Loki. Dana is slowly putting the story together, the basement is where people get killed. Holden gets attacked by a beartrap on a chain to the back. It was sweet. Dana attacks and potentially “kills” a zombie Buckner. I dunno. The 3 of them get in the vehicle and drive off.
We see some oriental girls in school hand in hand in a classroom singing and this is apparently taking down a an evil ghost spirit and turning it into a frog. We see in the monitors and other major cities in other countries have the word fail written. Some talk about how they can’t fail, in the facility, something about a ritual. There is panic as the tunnel is still open, it hasn’t blown and Jenkins is a man on a mission to make sure it happens, he fixes the electrical malfunction just in time so they can’t escape. Goood. Oh, they were also pissed at how well Marty had dome due to how much they had laced his weed with chemicals.
Now back to the group. Thor fucking decides that he is getting on his motorcycle and attempting some Evil Knieval shit and trying to jump this large gap to get to the other side to go get help. In a favorite and sad moment, As he is in mid air, he hits some invisible electrical barrier and down goes Thor. I say sad because I just loved his character. I hope he has a long and healthy career. So now it’s just Holden and Dana in the vehicle. And a Buckner just stabbed Holden through his neck, and he dead. Now it is just Dana. That came somewhat out of nowhere. I love shit like that. The vehicle ended up in the lake and Dana is trying to get out.
Back to the facility, everybody is celebrating except the government black skeptical dude. He asks if everything is good with Dana still being alive. Apparently the virgin is optional in this ritual, as long as she suffers. Let the celebration commence, and Hadley screams “Tequila is my lady”. This scene is hilarious, asking about if they get OT. Hadley says he was upset there wasn’t a merman. Jenkins is talking to the guys in the department that had the electrical failure, and Jenkins is joking how they gave him a scare, and they are insistent that they never got the call from upstairs. Suddenly the phone rings. The party has to be quiet. It sounds like somebody aside from the virgin is still alive. We have a case of uh oh (Sealab reference to any of you who enjoyed that great show).
Fucking A, Marty is still alive and just saved Dana who was getting her ass whooped by a Buckner. They work together to take down the Buckner. They running and they hop into the grave. Interesting. Now they are having some ah hah moments, in the grave is an electric panel and there is an elevator. To go down, or not to go down, that is the question every girl must ponder when they meet me. Most choose no. But these 2 characters, they choose to go down, and then it goes to the side. They appear to be in the facility. It’s all black looking out the elevator, suddenly a werewolf rears it’s ugly head, the elevator moves again, and there is a ghostly spirit. Then we meet the ballerina who’s face is like the vagina in the movie Teeth. yes, i said vagina. Behind them is this bad ass looking dude who has circular saw in his head, he looks like he could hang with Pinhead. Suddenly the camera pans away. Let me try tackling all the various cubes, I am sure I will miss some. Ya know what, fortunately somebody with far more ambition than me has already made a list, so here is the link.
Monsters in Cabin In The Woods
I love the robot, the 2 little girls, the clown. I love almost all of them to be perfectly blunt. The 2 dudes are trying to plan out the survivors deaths, some dude came at them with a gun. He got shot instead. How silly! Suddenly a voice over the loud speaker. Is that who I think it is? As a fan of futurama, that sounds so familiar. There are government agents coming at them. The voice say that they must placate the ancient ones. Dana and Marty enter like a control room. They open up the doors and unleash all the hell. My god is this ever fun. Haha, the evil tree!!!! Well the swat team or whatever just got fucked up.Now everybody in the facility is getting it. Oh my god, this is pleasure overload. I’m about to, I’m about to, BOOM, all over the keyboard. Not really, but mentally I kinda am. There’s the clown on the monitor!!! Dana and Marty are trying to escape. So much awesome is happening.
Yes, more clown, and a sadistic unicorn. How clever! Hahahaha, the Merman kills Hadley, oh the irony since he always pulls for the merman!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!! Jenkins ends up in a room with Marty and Dana, and he implores her to kill him. With that being said, ladies and gentleman, Mr Conway Twitty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJVCjnAolp8
Now they enter a room with weird walls with carvings/pictures/paintings. There’s 5 of them. They realize it is them and they are part of the ritual. And there she is. some may say an icon, Ms Sigourney Weaver! Basically, this ritual allows the human race to continue. Marty needs to die or else the whole world goes to hell. Dana has the gun pointed at Marty. She apologizes, then so does he as he sees the werewolf behind her. He gnaws on here. Now Sigourney and Marty are fight for the gun. Sigourney is a hoss. And then little girl with axe creeping up, and axe to head of Sigourney. Marty and Dana have a nice heart to heart. They’re having a smoke. Having a real moment at the thought of giant evil gods. They’re now being selfish, refusing to kill Marty so the whole world is gonna go to shit. So he’s gonna die either way. What the fuck does it matter then? That piece of logic bothered me, and then I saw a giant hand come out of the ground and I felt better. End of movie.
Now during the movie, I had to pause it, and i want to show you the still frame shot.
Can you see what I see? Do you see why this may hold any relevance? Thanks to the zoom function on my phone, let’s explore a little deeper, like Peter North.
That’s right friends, 9 mother fucking Deuce in full effect.
I want to thank all of you that have reached the #100 milestone, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading all of this. BUT WAIT!!! Could it be that I have a surprise or 2 up my sleeve? Shit negro, that’s all you had to say.
I’ll be back!
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Lionsgate (presents)
- Mutant Enemy (production)
- Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) (uncredited)
- United Artists (uncredited) (as United Artists Production Finance, LLC.)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.