A horror movie starruing Lin Shaye and Tobin Bell? Yes, THE Lin Shaye from A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Running Man, Critters 2, New Nightmare, Dead End, Insidious, Ouija, and Tales of Halloween. Please don’t let Insidious be what she is best known for. She also did some comedies like Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, and There’s Something About Mary. And yes, THE Tobin Bell from Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V, Saw VI, Saw 3D: The Final Chapter, Jigsaw, and Finders Keepers. Did you also know that Tobin was in Tootsie, Mississippi Burning, Sophie’s Choice, Goodfellas, Seinfeld, The Firm, and The Quick and the Dead?
Here, take my money! That is exactly what happened. I bought this as soon as I could. Then I saw the reviews. Then I got scared. I finally watched this with Tom and Kayleigh one night. I remember not hating it, but I didn’t love it either. I wanted to love this one. In all fairness, watching a movie with people instead of watching alone can create some difference in how you view things.
With that in mind, I’m gonna give this another shot. The creator of Final Destination, Patrick Stibbs, helped make this. This should be entertaining…..right?
Start Film
It starts off in the ’80s, and that much is fairly unmistakable. We meet Tanya Michaels with the 80s hair, a pink jacket with zebra print, just super colorful. She is welcoming the new guy to Willow Falls. His name is Chris Mitchell. He has a past that the principal wants to talk about.
Chris gets home from his first work shift and basically wants to tell his skank of a mom to be quiet with her new boyfriend TJ from down the bank. He took her out to Dairy Queen. How romantic. He wants to call Tanya and get the hell out of there. Tanya is now wearing denim and bright sparkly stuff.
We meet Zack, Tanya’s boyfriend, the macho douche type. Always necessary in these films. Then we meet Brett who is part of the crew. They are hanging out at the carnival. Tanya looks at the merry-go-round and creepy music plays and the little girl disappears. Zack gets his fortune told. Something about his past and having a long and prosperous life. The 4 are smoking and Brett proposes a toast to Tanya’s missing sister, Laura. They blame Edith Cranston, the rumored local witch. Zack proposes vengeance. I can’t decide whether I like Tanya or not.
Time to keep up a tradition of bothering Edith because she’s a witch. Laura was at Edith’s daycare on her birthday and never came home. She hired a lawyer and got away with it. I feel like there should be a second girl in the group, but nope. Time to throw rocks through windows, for Laura.
They go to scurry away and there’s Edith (Lin Shaye) and she is pissed about them trespassing. She hates these kids so much. She isn’t afraid of them, but they should be very afraid of her. She asks where Tanya got her necklace. I didn’t really enjoy that exchange. I love Lin, but it didn’t feel natural at all.
The kids drive away laughing like idiots. Tanya is getting awfully close to Chris in the backseat.
There he is! Edward Cranston, played by the great Tobin Bell. This is what I was waiting for. These 2 horror icons sharing the same screen together. They talk about their hopes and dreams and how it is all gone. Edith is so down and demoralized. Ed is happy as a clam to just be with her. She is very disturbed. In a room upstairs, she is in a rocking chair holding a doll and there is a picture of a little girl. Was that Laura? And Edith is miserable and hangs herself. Really? Half the damn selling point of this film was her presence.
Chris, what the hell are you eating? His mom has a jogging top on, bright blue with white and purple stripes. Zack, Brett, and Tanya are in the arcade. It’s 1987 and Mortal Kombat II is there. Huh, how about that? It came out in 1993, and that is why I a pointing it out. Chris hasn’t been to school the past few days and Tanya was worried. She is so weirdly flirty with him. Chris is worried about Edith’s death. Zack tells him to keep his mouth shut. Zack, I wouldn’t ever turn my back on that strumpet. They are trying to play some Stranger Things synth music. She is holding his hand and he says that he’s good. Zack is super annoyed.
Ed just sits at home staring at a white TV screen. It’s time to make a phone call. Could it be “The Call”? He calls Chris late at night.
Ed opens the door and all 4 are there. It’s after 11 PM, we know that much. They ask why they are there, and Ed assures them to simply have patience. So many fun unique things in their house. Brett says that they don’t want trouble, and Ed says that no one wants trouble, but sometimes it finds them. Ed assures Tanya that if this was his way, this would be so much worse, but Edith was much more forgiving. She included them in her will. Tanya says that she hated them, and Ed thought so too. Each of them gets letters to read. Brett asks a dumb question and Ed is like you can read, can’t you, or is the trailer park too far away from school. Zack gets up and says that they don’t have to take this and Ed immediately sits his ass right back down. Tobin Bell, may you never change.
Tanya claims to want nothing. Ed says really, not even $100,000? She asks what the catch is. He says that Edith liked to play games. Hmmm, just like someone named Jigsaw. He asks if any of them like to play games. Brett just chuckles like an idiot.
The game rules are simple. There is a phone in the study at the end of the hall. All 4 must go up there, one at a time. There’s a number next to the phone. If you stay on the phone for one minute, then you get your $100,000. That’s it. Chris asks who they’re calling, and Ed says that they’re calling Edith. Edith asked Ed to bury a phone with her. After a minute, you exit out of the backdoor. If you exit early, the money is split among those who stay. Tanya doesn’t want this money. Zack says that if they get the money, “we are set” and she says that there is no “we”. Tanya wants to leave. Ed reveals that Edith’s death wasn’t an accident, as we know.
Ed blames the final confrontation with the kids for her death. Edith was afraid of the kids and their pranks. Chris feels so guilty. All Ed wants is for them to make the damn call. Otherwise, Ed will go to the police with the note and let them pay for what they did. He loved Edith so much that he is giving them a choice. The choice is yours. Time to pour a drink, and then he wants an answer. Tanya doesn’t want to stay. Chris says that he’s seen stranger things….get it?
The group is gonna make the calls. Ed will be waiting at the back entrance to greet them when they exit. The clock upstairs will chime when the call has been completed. Ed tells Zack to go first, then Brett follows his brother, then Chris, and finally Tanya. Of course, the girl is final. She is the final girl after all. Sadly, that was about it for both Lin and Tobin.
Zack goes first and the door opens automatically. Zack is acting tough. I am not sure if I would agree to this or not, but I think I would. Normally, I would say hell no. This is a tough one. I think you gotta go for it. Why do all the doors open and close on their own?
Part of me wants Zack to be the last one to defy all the rules of horror. Zack picks up the phone and dials the number. We see a metronome ticking away. Edith has a very nice gravestone. Hahaha, Edith sounds horrible on the phone. She tells Zack to look in the mirror and he sees her in the reflection for a split second. Now he is freaked out. Now there is a Zack screaming in the mirror. Zack gets up, but there is a Zack still on the phone.
He opens the door and walks in on him when he was a child playing with his brother. This has a Nightmare on Elm Street vibe that I truly enjoy. Daddy’s home and Zack tells Brett to hide under the bed. Brett says no. Zack imposes his will and Brett goes under. Daddy is drunk and talks shit to Zack. Zack says that he isn’t afraid, so Daddy says to take his best shot. Zack cowers, so it’s time for the strap. Even the drums are similar to the music from Nightmare dream sequences. Lots of red lighting and sounds. They are basically doing Nightmare on Elm Street here. Just that there’s no Freddy, sadly.
Zack keep walking down this hall and who was that? oh, it was Daddy. Zack enters another room, and there’s Daddy again, but he has a more demonic voice. Zack gets punched. Dad keeps calling Zack a pussy. Zack refuses to punch his dad. Dad starts choking Zack with the belt. Zack can see the phone. Lin says “Bitch” and hangs up. Zack isn’t there now.
Brett is getting nervous about doors with no handles. The doors open, and Brett is gonna do this because he ain’t no pussy. Tanya gives Chris her ABC gum. It’s been a weird day for Chris.
Brett makes his call. Edith answers. Brett is relieved that Edith is alive. Then Edith asks him how his daddy, Harliss is. Edith talks about how Daddy would hurt him in unimaginable ways.
Brett is hiding under the bed again, but Zack and Dad disappear. Now Brett is an adult and he is at the carnival. I think that was meant to be a jump scare. Zack is surrounded by aggressive people, including his dad. He enters a room with hanging chains. So let’s add Hellraiser to the film, right?
On the bed that Brett sat on, it says Look Behind You, so another jump scare, I am guessing. Nothing there, but there’s Dad., finally. Eventually, a monster pulls Brett under the bed.
The clock chimes and Tanya is checking out all the decorations. It’s Chris’ turn. He says “See you on the other side.” She wishes him luck.
I must admit, this movie made me incredibly tired at this point. I have been dreading coming back to the movie all day. It’s really disappointing once you take away Lin and Tobin. The setting and NoES mood doesn’t do enough to keep me engaged. But let’s finish it. Less than 30 minutes remaining.
Edith asks Chris how he handles in. Flashback to Chris in a car with a girl. Oh, he got his girl pregnant. She wants to tell her parents. He wants to wait until after they graduate. She is being pragmatic, she is already showing. Chris thinks that there is actually something to talk about. Her name is Sarah. Seriously, dude, you can’t be that dense. It’s pouring out. We see a bad car wreck, the car is vertical, and it is Sarah’s. His acting…..not the best moment in this young man’s career. I’m not suggesting that I know how I would react, but I don’t think that would be it.
Now he is in the hallway that we’re getting accustomed to. There is an entity. Is that Sarah or just a demon walking like Bray Wyatt? I’m not really sure. But I like the weird inverted walking style. the girl in malignant was better thought.
Now he envisions Sarah and she looks pretty and has blond hair. So that was just a demon…I think. She’s way prettier than you’d expect him to land. The way you get in is the way you get out, meaning the phone. Is this Hell, or purgatory, or all in his mind? She urges him to find the phone. He finds the phone in a weird room with a Jack in the Box. He finds Brett who is just laughing maniacally and now is covered in some bloody clothes. Lame. He found the phone and is back to reality and the door opens for him. All he can think about is Tanya.
Really, that was disappointing. My theory when I first saw this is that Chris was somehow involved with Tanya’s sister’s disappearance. Maybe that would have been too contrived, but it would have done something for the plot. Also, I just had a piece of cheese that I didn’t enjoy. I would rather eat the brick of cheese than watch this again.
Chris goes back to the living room, but Tanya is gone and upstairs with some creepy skulls, statues, a hunting rifle, and more. Chris, you should have gotten your money, fool. Where’s Charles Barkley to call him a fool? There is someone playing the piano, but then there isn’t. They’re under a white sheet. There’s someone sitting in a chair under a white sheet. Jump scare moment that was mediocre. Actually, that’s the type of jump scare shit that I hate. It served no purpose to the plot. Also, is Chris actually out of the phone world?
Tanya sees a video of Edith asking Chris if “they” bought it, and he says yeah, the death, the contract, everything. 2 down, one to go. She wants him to take care of the slut. I do too.
The door opens again for Chris. He’s in the hallway with Tanya. She asks where the gun is that she saw Edith give him. He has no gun. He is in disbelief. She has the rifle. He tries to explain that Edith isn’t alive, and there is no money, it’s just a trap. Tanya, don’t believe his lies! She asks where Brett and Zack are, and he says that they’re dead. Did I miss him actually seeing Zack dead? Awww hell, I am not gonna rewind.
Chris explains that the call transported him to the darkest reaches of his mind. She asks how he survived. In walks Ed. He suggests that Chris should have given up. Ed has a gun. He says that he only cared about how to stay in touch. The phone rings. It’s Edith. Ed says that it’s a pity that Chris came back. Edith wants to talk to Tanya. Chris shoots Ed. What the fudge???? Why? Ed did nothing!!! This is murder!!!! #JusticeForEdwardCranstan
Tanya and Chris split up and try to find a way out, but you know how that goes. She is in the room with the phone. She tells Edith to leave her alone. Edith says that Tanya needed someone to blame. Tanya…..are you to blame for Laura’s disappearance. We get a black and white flashback with some extra colors, think Sin City. Edith gave Laura this pretty necklace.
On their way home from Edith’s, Laura shows Tanya the necklace and Tanya is jelly. She rips it off of Laura. She cranks Laura in the head and dumps the bike over the little bridge and proclaims that now she is Daddy’s Little Girl. Ohhh, that is an overcooked smothered in weak sauce. Laura is also off the bridge. And Tanya wears the necklace.
Back to real-time. Tanya tries to run away, but Edith keeps getting in her way. Edith discusses how the demons took over after that day, and Tanya and her friends will face a similar faith. Edith describes Hell. Tanya is now in the phone world. Hey, there’s the empty room again with the phone and there’s a little girl singing, somewhere. the necklace is on the ground. There’s Laura and she wants Tanya to come play with her. Zack is behind Tanya saying they’d be together forever. Laura takes down Tanya and screams in her face.
Chris ends up in the real-world phone room. That’s fun to describe. The phone rings. he has to talk to Edith and Chris says that he’s really sorry. Edith ain’t buying what he’s selling. Hallway again, and now there’s the demonic Sarah. I knew she’d come eventually. So everyone is on the other side of the mirror experiencing their own Hell. I think Edith or someone just appeared at the top of the stairs. The phone rings and Edith says “Hello”.
End Film
WHY? Why was this so bad? You had so many good ideas. you had talented actors. You had a great house and cool shit to work with. Phone Hell World had some cool ideas, but it was more of a fever dream that never took us where we wanted to go as viewers. And I’m being kind. go read the reviews on IMDB. Wow. Rather than a pros and cons list, I want to do a “what I do and don’t accept” rundown.
I accept that Edith had the power to make phone calls. Does this mean that she was a witch because she could do this? I think it does. Also, is she only in this Hell because she committed suicide, or is there more? I know that suicide is a great sin, but she seemed truly tormented. I accept that Ed was just an old fool that didn’t think he would get shot. I accept that Tanya was a scared girl who killed her sister in rage and then lied about everything. That is a short list.
The things that I don’t accept are a bit longer. Why were Zack and Brett punished so harshly? I feel like they needed to show a darker history to warrant their punishment. Zack gets beat by his drunk dad and takes the punishment while his brother has to hide and watch. That is what this movie is telling us that they are guilty of. that and harassing an innocent old lady because they were lied to by someone that they trusted. Does the punishment seem to fit the crime here? Chris’ crime was trying to buy time and not listening to reasoning from his girlfriend. Was she so upset that she couldn’t drive well or was it the bad rain? Was it his fault? The pregnancy and being a stupid teenage boy, yes, but the accident is unclear. Then he falls into the “wrong crowd” because a girl was nice to him. Once again, a similar situation. Chris didn’t even participate in the glass breaking. His biggest sin is killing Ed, and that was after traveling to Hell World. I have to assume that is why he is there, yet he sees Sarah and not Ed, so they are still putting the onus of her death on him. It seems weird.
Tanya was the most guilty party. Once again, it is a difficult thing to truly put into perspective. How old was Tanya when she killed her sister? It was a sudden thing, and it doesn’t excuse her, but it doesn’t feel pre-meditated. It was the lie and ruining an innocent lady’s life, I get it. But she was still just a child and I feel that creates some conundrums. Still, they didn’t give her a very lengthy Hell sequence compared to Zack and Brett.
This is a religious dilemma and I am not God, so I cannot make judgments upon these characters. But I feel that 3 of the 5 didn’t deserve this Hell at the very least based on what they gave us for info.
Do you know what else doesn’t help? When you buy the movie from VUDU and turn on closed captioning because you’re watching it at night and trying to be respectful to your neighbors, except the damn captions don’t work! I understand if this was something I downloaded or whatever and it didn’t have CC. No, I paid money for this.
I’m just sick of this damn movie.
Final Rating: 4.2 – That may be generous. That whole rating is for 2 things. The 2 great actors and the half-assed attempt at mimicking Nightmare on Elm Street. The characters needed to be more fleshed out. Simple as that. Huh, I just looked at IMDB for a couple of tidbits and notice that this also got a 4.2 there. That rarely happens.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Single Malt Productions
- Appreciated Films (in association with)
- BondIt Media Capital (in association with)
- Kalispel Tribal Holdings (in association with)
- Buffalo 8 Productions (post production)
- Rugolo Entertainment (producer)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.