Just know that I have unfortunately seen this movie. Just know that they replaced a relatively likable female lead in the original with this overly emotional, mouthy black bitch who dresses like a whoooore. She ruins this movie. She is one of the worst characters I have ever seen. You instantly want her dead.
If you don’t know the story by now, honestly, go watch the actual original film.
The dude is driving in Nebraska, he has been driving for a very long time. He wants to listen to some music, she’s already riding his ass. She keeps being a bitch and distracts him while he’s driving and he runs over a bloodied kid trying to escape the corn. She is just such a fucking…I hate using this word, but she’s a cunt. Now I feel like I am The Hound on Game of Thrones.
There was one topless hot chick, but that’s all.
As you can see, I didn’t provide commentary during this all that much. There are so many issues with this rendition of this film. So aside from my utter disdain of how Vicky is played, let’s tackle Burt, shall we? In this version, he is an ex Vietnam vet, trying to live as normal life as possible, a little rough around the edges. When he tries taking on the children, well you buy into the idea that he can do this as he survived fucking Nam. Compare that to the original, I never considered his character to be remotely badass, which made him more vulnerable. Then to have the deaths go the way they went, I think for the sake of being different, that was ok. Hey, they tried something new there. Then let’s tackle the role of Isaac. I do not hold the boy responsible for his awful acting, but he does not strike me as Isaac. The original Isaac reeked of evil and he was devout in his beliefs and nothing would stop him. This Isaac, he just came off like a little kid. I find the portrayal laughable.
And then there’s Malachai. I don’t think this guy did bad, but the problem is that the way the character is written, it’s just not as menacing. Malachai is one of the most badass evil characters ever portrayed on screen, he’s a fucking hoss in the original. In this one, he is singing, yes, singing. He doesn’t look pissed off at the world, he doesn’t come across like a guy just ready to take the world by the balls and destroy everything in his path. This version, he was more nurturing, which is ok in the sense that really, he should be if he’s second in command and he has this army of kids. If you want them leading you, there has to be that nurturing aspect in reality. But we are talking a movie about a being known as He Who Walks Behind The Rows. By the way, I am sooo happy to never have to type that again. In the original, Malachai demanded respect and everybody would do as he said. In this, meh.
Fuck it, I’m just gonna spoil it here, skip this paragraph if you don’t want it spoiled. It’s awesome that they killed off Vicky so quickly and left it to Burt to carry on. It’s even cooler that he also gets killed at the end. I mean, both characters live in the original, so this 180 switcheroo is one of the few commendable things that this did right. I really truly liked that aspect. Hopelessness at the end of a horror movie is not a bad thing.
End spoilers.
In conclusion, really, if you switch up how Vicky and Isaac are portrayed, just those 2, this movie could have surpassed the original. Granted, it didn’t have the diner massacre scene, but there were plenty of good scenes in this from a violence standpoint. Those 2 characters make you lose interest really fast. You just want Vicky dead and then you want Isaac dead. If Burt and Malachai could just get on the same page along with sugar tits, we’d have a fucking movie on our hands. Instead, this is one of the biggest missed opportunity that I have ever seen as far as a remake goes. It’s a damn shame. I would love a crack at it, with a better cast. It would be a mix of both, and at the end, nobody would feel happy. I give this movie a 5.1 as I can see myself watching this again someday, and probably skipping the first 30 minutes.
Final Rating: 5.1
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