Hey, this movie came out in 1992. Usually that is a joyous thing, but the early 90’s was a terrible time to be a horror fan. I’d say I have a bad feeling about this, but let’s be honest, is there a good Children of the Corn aside from the original? We will find out the answer this year.
Our 2 main people seemingly is John (dad) and Danny (late teen son), and John is Danny’s divorced father and Danny seems to really harbor some ill will towards his dad. John is a reporter, and you guessed it, he and a bunch of others are back in Gatlin 8 years later after the bodies from part one have been discovered in the corn. There is some teenager named Micah, he strikes me as bad business. And there was some girl with a very nice personality on her moped, and by nice personality, I mean she had very nice cleavage. Sweet, there’s a dude named Mordeci, and as a fan of Awesome Show and Borderlands, I love that name. They keep bringing up Issac. Micah just went through some weird transformation internally, in one of the worst displays of special effects of that time. It is so bad, I mean unbelievably bad that I cannot do it justice. Micah is suddenly a mouth piece for “He who walks behind the rows” which is this franchises main evil entity. Damn, everything I am typing just comes off so asinine.
Danny decides he didn’t want to hang out with his dad, so he is trying to get home, but he is having no luck, and he ends up in the cornfield and sees the kids all together.
This random old lady is yelling at John about how the kids are evil and how her husband walked into a cornfield 15 years ago and never came back, and that is why she is leaving and taking her home with her. Wait a fucking minute!!!!
So you mean to tell me that it’s been 15 years, and now, just this very minute is the time to have this outburst and you are going to move your whole house somehow old woman? Who wrote this.
Danny is a creeper and found hot chick under a waterfall of sorts and was just staring at her, so they flirt. Fuck him. He’s about as unlikeable as his father. That’s something that gets overlooked by most in horror.When writing for your main characts, you have to determine if they will be likeable or not. How many characters in Friday the 13th are likeable? Not many, they want you cheering on Jason. Same with Leprechaun. Nightmare on Elm Street always had the unenviable task from part 3 and beyond of making somewhat likeable characters to tangle with Freddy, but you simply had to side with Freddy everytime. I get the feeling that our main characters are supposed to be likeable, but they just aren’t’ Unfortunately, neither are the “bad guys”. Consider this the anti Nightmare on Elm Street.
Haha, the old lady was crawling under her house getting her cat, and the children lowered the hydraulics holding the house up, and splat. We find out that Danny and John are from NY, that explains why they’re douches. Let’s face it, people in the northeast, in NY, NJ, MA, PA, etc are some of the most miserable mother fuckers in the whole US. I am pretty sure it is weather related. Hot chick’s name is Lacey and she wants Danny to take her back with him to NY, and he is like “Oh I can’t”. What a pussy. You have a girl looking like that telling your mongoloid ass to bring her back home with you, and you say no? I truly hope Danny dies, he won’t, but I hope he does.
This scene in the church is so beyond fucking dumb. Micah is in the back row whittling on a statue of a dude, and wherever he whittles, this man in teh church starts bleeding, so first it’s the nose, then it starts pouring, and then his mouth, his eyes, his ears, and suddenly he is like spewing out blood all over everybody. Now everybody is concerned trying to help this guy, except the Reverend who is still preaching about violence in TV nowadays. What a terrible scene to try to be preachy and prove some dumb point, but also an excuse for an excessive amount of blood that was not warranted, like it was a “Hey, we can make a big bloody scene, look at us, we demand attention.”
Oh and now John has ran into an Indian who goes by the name of Frank Redbear. Frank bitches about the white man, says a bunch of Indian shit and this is painful, it’s almost painal, and if you don’t know what that is, don’t look it up.
John don’t want Danny to hang out with sugartits, and he doesn’t want him socializing, because John’s a great dad. So Micah comes over, they’re all at the old lady’s house. Micah gets talking about stupid parent rules and how a person changes once they’re 19. I am really hating this movie, and I feel when I saw this back in the day, I used to regard this as the second best installment in the franchise. Fuck me, I hope that isn’t true.
Dr Redbear can eat a dick for being obnoxious. I want him dead, immediately. Oh man, 40 minutes to go. What did I do to deserve this? Redbear is giving us a history lesson about the kids rebelling and killing their parents in the before time by showing John these drawing on a rock. How convenient. Hey, we just had Predator vision for no real good reason.
Since we’re watching a movie about corn, and I’m hungry, I really truly want a caramel apple. MMMMMM, caramel. I would also be cool if it was a large piece of caramel on a stick in the shake of an apple. I have problems.
Micah just performs a wedding with 2 teens. Danny shows up. Micah asks him if he wants to join his roving gang of corn dwelling misfits with He who walks behind the rows, and Danny accepts. THIS is torture porn. Danny is now hanging with Lacey, they’re flirting. She says “If you can catch me, then you can have me”. Who says that? I’d even find a way to be fast. He is pinning her down on the ground. That’s the smartest thing he’s done all movie. He unbuttoned her top. He’s trying way too hard to make it sensual. And he blows it, waited too long. they were making out on top off a hand. Missed breast opportunity.
The children got a remote control to control an old lady’s motorized scooter. This whole thing was intersected with old people playing BINGO. This is as bad as it sounds. So the sheriff is tying up Redbear and John, to keep shit quiet. This movie……this movie.The sheriff sends this hulking beast of a machine to impale and ride over them as they are tied to a pole in the ground. They escaped. I bet you are shocked…yes shocked. So the sheriff and the reverend are in cahoots together at this town meeting. Well the children has chained the doors closed. And now they setting the building on fire. The adults are beyond incomprehensibly dense. Good, they deserved it for being fucktards.
OK, so all the adults are dead pretty much minus Redbear and John. Danny is joining the children group. “We are one” repeated, over and over. Oh, they have 2 sacrifices. The chick John wanted, and of course Lacey. They want Danny to cut that bitch up. I say go for it. Lacey tells Danny that she loves him. Really? It’s been like 3 days. Danny pussies out and sets Lacey free. Oh shit, Frank Redead just got an arrow shot in his belly, and he died 3 seconds later, which is somewhat improbably according to everything we know from horror movies.
Uh oh, the soil is moving. He who walks being the rows is pissed that he didn’t get his sacrifice. He’s always pissed. I think I’d tell him to go fuck himself because he’s about as lame of an entity as you’ll find in a horror flick. Well the 4 good guys are all corralled up now. They didn’t get too far. “Did you really think he walks behind the rows would allow you to escape?” Yeah, I kinda did. Micah, you are one of the worst head bad guys in a horror movie that I have ever seen, like top 20 worse, possibly 10. Frank Redbear lives!!!! He is driving that thing at Micah. Classic awfulness. You ever just want to get punched in the testicles? Right, me neither, but I also don’t ever want to see this film ever again. More early 90’s shit special effects. I may not have a caramel apple, but my apple juice is good. Oh, I guess Micah just died, Redbear is dead. I don’t know how many of the “children” are dead. I’m guessing all of them, I don’t see any, of course there could always be a surprise at the end.
HAHAHAHAHA, so they drive off. The last scene is of Redbear’s ghost drawing more on that rock from about an hour ago.
OK, I’ll get straight to the point. If you really love The Children of the Corn, there’s a 5% chance that you may enjoy this. Everybody else, there’s a 1% chance. So why even take that chance? Don’t, just don’t. This was a 3.0 movie if I’ve ever seen one. Will we get our first 2.0 during this franchise? I have a feeling that we just might.
Here’s a picture of one of the only redeemable things in this movie.
The Quest for Breasts Total
51 Bare breasts
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