This was a favorite of mine as a kid. I liked it better than the original for 2 reasons: the stories were longer and better, and of course, because of the tits. Enjoy! Oh, and Tom Savini plays “The Creep”.
The Creep is a comic delivery man, and he talks to Billy who wants his comic. Oh, the cheesiness of this is great. We get some animation of it, and thus begins our journey.
Old Chief Wood’nhead
We meet Ray Spruce, and he is the owner of a general store, and they are in an old rundown town, and he is touching up the face paint on his old Indian Chief statue out front. Martha, his wife, wants him to close down the shop. He says that this store allowed them to get married, get their kids to college, all that stuff. It’s been 4 days since they last had a paying customer and 4 weeks since somebody paid on their credit. Ray is that old well-meaning guy who can’t let go or let the local folk down, especially in their time of need. Across the street is Benjamin Whitemoon at the gas station, and this dude has 2 guys with him, he gets chauffeured. Ben comes over and asks if he can come inside. Ben says that his people are in debt to Ray. Ben gives Ray some of the villagers most precious possessions, like jewelry and whatnot. This is collateral for his village to pay him by 2 autumns. Ben says that right now, it’s borrowing, but if he gives back the gift, it would make them beggars, so Ray accepts so as not to offend. Ray is that eternal optimist and tells the chief that he will finish his war paint tomorrow.
When Ray and Martha come back in, there are 3 guys in there: Sam (Indian guy with great hair), Fatso (The fat one), and Andy (the other one), and Same has a shotgun and they look to be up to no good. Sam tells the guys to take what they want, and they are obnoxious degenerate punks. Sam is Ben’s nephew. These guys are like in their 20’s and are dicks, and also stealing the money, and hey, a Diet Pepsi bottle.
Sam is so full of himself and his hair, thinking that he’s going to be a movie star. He references the story of Samson. Well, that’s probably why he is named Sam, and I can only guess how he gets killed in a movie with Indians. Andy is trying to get Sam to take it easy as he has a gun to Martha. Now he wants the bag of jewelry worth over 10 grand. Ray doesn’t want to give it based on it’s meaning, and Sam accidentally pulls the trigger, kills Martha and then he kills Ray, may as well. Fatso is sick to his stomach, and Andy was outside getting the car. Same goes to leave, shoots the hell out of the store, and even shoots the red paint. Well, the Chief is coming to life and he has a tomahawk, and bow and arrow, and I think a knife. First, he needs to add some war paint. You guys are F’d in the A.
Sam says that they will leave that night for Cali. I think they are in Arizona or New Mexico. First, we are at Fatso’s place while he is waiting for the guys to pick him up. Hey, a black and white pic of a chick with her boobs out, so we have 1 pair. And as he’s watching TV, he just takes a few arrows and he died. Next up, we are at Andy’s. Andy’s car just got smashed up in the garage. He goes to check it, and he gets tomahawk to his chest. Now we go to Sam, and the chief just comes right into his place. In disbelief, he shoots the chief and then tries escaping. Well, Chief grabs him by his hair and scalps the fucker. Ben wakes up with the pouch of jewels on his bed. Ben races up to the general store, and there’s the Chief, back in place with Sam’s scalp. Ben nods and hopes that his spirit can rest now. The lesson here, don’t fuck with a dude with a wooden Indian statue.
Back to the animation, and we see that Billy has ordered a Venus flytrap from a comic and is picking it up from the post office.
The Raft
There are 4 young adults: Deke (Jock), Randy (Nerd), Laverne (Harlot), and Rachel (Innocent). They are heading to the lake to get on this raft. They are all smoking a joint because that’s what they did in the ’80s. The music is great. The game plan is to swim out to the raft and have a fun day. Deke, nice yellow banana hammock. Randy says that it’s too cold to get laid, his balls are going to turn into ice cubes. Fucking Rachel goes in wearing a sweatshirt, and Laverne is wearing a t-shirt. Randy notices some ducks far away having some issue in the water. Randy sees this sludgy mess slowly creeping. Randy is telling the girls to come faster, he’s freaking out over this black mass. I am going to refer to it as sludge or the blob.
Randy wonders if it’s an oil slick. Rachel is very nipply. Deke is dismissive. Rachel dips her hand in it, and it reaches up, grabs her arm and pulls her down. Hey, now people are taking it seriously. She says that it hurts. Rachel, the innocent one is dead. Nice. Deke wonders if they can outswim it, and Laverne is the screaming bitch. They wonder if it’s full or if it’s hungry. Well, Deke wants to swim for it. Before he can, it comes up between the cracks and grabs his foot and leg. It is eating his skin and now pulling him through the raft. It is seeping through the cracks. Laverne has jumped in Randy’s arms. He tells her that it can’t get them if they stand on the boards……seriously. This guy is a fucking idiot. By evening, it has moved 15 feet away.
She’s freezing, so “Hold me Randy” so they can stay warm. How has her sweatshirt not dried yet? They sleep through the night hugging it out, and the car’s stereo is still going. I am impressed. Randy realizes that he may die, so he kisses her while she is sleeping. He lays her down, lifts her top, exposes her tits, and kisses her belly, about to go for more, and she is wriggling around. She turns and the sludge has her by the face. All just to get a little boob action. He decides while it is dealing with her to make a swim for it. She dead. It’s coming towards him. I am cheering on the sludge. He makes it to shore, sits about 3 feet away, turns around and says “I beat you”. It then proceeds to come up like a wave and engulf him. Uh-huh. The music still plays and the sludge drifts back out, and we slowly pan to the right to see a sign that says “No Swimming”.
We get animation again or these bigger kids all hanging out and they got to harass Billy. They steal his package, and the big fuck crushes the box. All the kids are picking on him. Jumbo opens it, takes out the plant and then stomps on it. Billy promptly kicks him in the nuts, so Jumbo says that he wants his ass.
The Hitch-Hiker
Annie is laying in bed with some dude, it’s morning and she has to be bouncing. Hey, the 3rd pair of tits. Her panties are so bad. She bitches about her lover’s alarm clock. Lots of Stephen King books laying around. Annie is driving home and talking to herself about lies that she will tell her husband George about where she was, and the guy only charges $150 for 6 orgasms. Good for her. She drops her cig while driving is all over the road on an exit ramp, and hits a hitch-hiker. He’s not moving and she sees a vehicle coming so she doe s a 180 and drives off. The next driver sees him, as does Stephen King the truck driver. I love Stephen King’s acting. This one dude has a corded cell phone. Big pimping. A couple stop to see what happened, and that’s about it.
Annie is trying to use the windshield wipers to get the blood off of her window. She is asking herself if she can live with this. It was a legit accident so why should she fuck up her life? She turns the radio on and ends up on 106.5, which plays classical music. She’s almost home and sees a guy who is covered in blood, dressed the same, it’s hitchhiker, but now he’s gone. “You’re seeing things, bitch” she says to herself. Then he knocks on her driver side window and thanks her for the ride. She drives away. She stops, and now he is on top of her car grabbing at her through the moon roof. His arm is pinched as she is driving all crazy trying to get rid of him and he keeps saying “Thanks for the ride lady”. She is legit driving through the woods, at night and hasn’t wrecked yet, even though there is no trail. She goes like this for a solid minute, and eventually, a log just happened to be laying off the ground horizontally, so it knocks him off.
So she stops the car. Why she isn’t driving, I do not know. She grabs her gun from the glove compartment, and he opens up the passenger door. He thanks her, she shoots him a few times, but it doesn’t matter. He just appreciates the ride. She is out of ammo. She kicks him out and drives off, and he rises up, and then she goes in reverse and runs him over. “She screams “I got you” and then runs over him again. She wonders who he is. She is know thinking about the damage done to the car and how much it will cost and her bringing it in to get fixed. He comes up from under the car and is trying to get on the hood, and he has a sign that says “You killed me”. This guy is hanging tough. She runs him right into a tree. She backs up and then rams him again, and again, and again, and again. The last time she banged her head on the steering wheel.
She finally comes to a stop, and her wipers are going, it’s been snowing. She backs away and her bumper is off. She tries talking herself into thinking that she simply ran into a tree, everything else was a dream, no hitchhiker. She thinks to herself that she has a concussion and how much it will cost her. Everything is about money to her. She says that at least this will explain why she is getting home to George so late. She gets home and in her garage, she opens her door, and the hitchhiker is a bloody mess on the ground, and he gets up and is like in her face. Some time passes. George is getting home and sees the garage is filled with the exhaust, and he checks, and she is in the car, dead, with a sign that simply says “Dover”.
Animation time, the creep tries to tell some jokes. We see Billy getting chased, everybody is on their bikes. He gets them down a dirt path and he stops. Jumbo is ready to pound him. Then a group of giant Venus flytraps attack and eat the dickheads. Jumbo gets it last and puts up a fight, and Billy just looks on with a smile. Delightful.
In the real world, we see the Creep just laughing and just tossing out comic books as the truck rolls down the road, which makes no damn sense at all.
End Film
Ahhhh, that movie still works on every level for me. It has tits in all 3 segments, it has a great overarching animated story. Although the middle one may be the worst story, it is also my favorite. I can’t help it, this is one of my all-time favorite childhood flicks. I know that I am in the vast, and I mean vast minority, but this is a great film, top to bottom. It’s 80’s horror at it’s finest. I don’t have anything bad to say about it.
Final rating: 8.0
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- New World Pictures
- Laurel Entertainment Inc. (production) (as Laurel)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.