It’s officially October 2021 and I sitting here with a bowl of Count Chocula and almond milk. I never quite finished the Friday the 13th franchise last year, regrettably. So I want to do that right now. This is the final F13 film of the 80’s. Some people will say the franchise was never the same after part 4, and they’re right. Every film after was very much unique, and that’s cool. there’s not a ton that set apart parts 1-4 aside from the killer in 1 and Corey Feldman being in 4. It was like one long film. 5 was fake Jason, 6 was all about Tommy Jarvis, 7 involved telekinesis, and then there is part 8.
They just said fuck it, we don’t always need to be at Camp Crystal Lake. They wanted to have a more “urban” vibe to it. Before Lep In the Hood, Jason tried his hand at this. It’s silly, it’s not meant to be taken too seriously, but being that this is part 8, what did you expect? This was the first Part 8 in a horror franchise, I think. This may have been the first part 8 of any film franchise. I know James Bond had more, but I don’t know if that counts. My cereal is getting soggy. Time to start the film. Also, this is Kane Hodder’s second go at playing the role of Jason.
Start Film
I think this is the final film before New Line Cinema purchased the franchise. Oh, this opening is shit and totally 80’s. A man in a suit getting robbed by some local street thugs in denim. oh, there’s a rat. Remember back when NYC was portrayed in films as such a crime-ridden shit hole? That song was trash.
Ohhh, where are we? Are we at Camp Crystal Lake? There’s a big boat. Will there also be hoes? Yes, a Step Brothers reference. Oh, there is a couple making out. Will we see her boobs? YES, and terribly late 80’s panties. A little side ass. This movie knew what it was doing. Oh, his name is Jimmy and he is acting weird about being at Camp Crystal Lake. Suzi has questions. The anchor is gonna cause havoc. Jimmy tells the story of Jason, complete with flashbacks. Wait, Jason vowed to kill all the teenagers? Who the fuck did he talk to? Oh yeah, the anchor caused amazingly bad special effects and is shocking Jason. His body is where we last saw in part VII. Okay, the effects were cheesy, but I found them Kentertaining.
Jason is climbing on board. Suzi is covering up her boobs to go search for Jimmy. Hahaha, then the fakest looking Jason comes and attacks Suzi with one of those spring-loaded plastic knives. But Jason now has his mask and speargun. Jason is wetter than Suzi, and she seems really turned on. I’m trying to hit all my lewd points early on. Jason misses Suzi with the speargun. She escapes and Jimmy just sits there and gets got. That was honestly pretty dumb, even for this franchise. Suzi is a coward and is hiding. Listen, you just run up behind Jason and dropkick him overboard. Then you’re stuck explaining Jimmy’s death to the police, but still. Jason finds her in the storage compartment. She helpless whines and screams no and he plunges his spear into her….sexually. Nobody is ever going to take my writing seriously if I keep making jokes like that in 2021. Gooood……gooooooooood.
Okay, we have a mom, her teenage daughter, and a dog named Toby. The daughter is wearing one of those shitty colorful vests that were popular for a year or two back in that era. I know some o the fashions of my era were absolutely retarded, but jeans and a flannel shirt look way better than those vests. The overall fad though….there’s no excuse for Kris Kross’ success and fashion sense. This girl should be hanging out with Nancy from the Nightmare franchise. Oh, this may be a teacher and not her mom, or maybe both. She gave er a pen used by Stephen King. Nice nod to the master.
Okay, so the older lady is Colleen and she meets with Charles to board this cruise ship. Charles is the uptight principal or whatever guy in charge. One look at him, and you already know what his deal is. Aww, Jim Miller and Suzi Donaldson haven’t shown up for this cruise. Charles is not a fan of bringing Rennie, the vest girl, there. Colleen and Charles are Renni’s parents. Okay, well I didn’t see that coming.
The captain is letting his son be the captain, I guess. Wow, the dad is trying to get his son to follow the safety protocols and the son just walks away. The deckhand tells him that this ship or trip is cursed. Okay, let’s settle in a bit while I eat a little more cereal.
I’m just reading about this. This was the most expensive film in the franchise, up to this point, and the poorest grossing. Also, NYC tourism got pissed off at the marketing so that got pulled. Charles is a biology teacher, Colleen is an English teacher, and they are on the S. S. Lazarus. That is an odd name for a boat. I get what the writers were going for….but still. If you don’t know who Lazarus was, he was resurrected by Jesus, per John in the Bible. See, I just dropped some knowledge on yo ass. Cereal finished, time to enjoy the film on a full belly.
Rennie is Charles’ niece. Jesus, I need to read before I do these reviews. Also, terrible name. Okay, the captain’s so is named Sean and he has a gift for Rennie. A stupid State of Liberty necklace. I would be embarrassed to give that. Charles interrupts this sweet moment.
Oh, some girl in leather playing guitar looking exactly as you expect. Her name is JJ Jarrett. I want to make a Jeff Jarrett joke here, but I feel like people who would appreciate that joke aren’t reading this. The dude filming is a douchey AV guy named Wayne. Uh oh, JJ is near Jason. Rennie has some aquaphobia. That makes sense.
JJ is rocking out in the depths of the ship. This feels more like it and the best music of the film so far. She sees Jason and goes further in the bowels of the ship and just got hit in the face with a shovel…or something. The deckhand heard her scream.
Why is Jason pissed at these people? They aren’t camp counselors or any attachment to the camp. He isn’t doing good with his vow. I just took my headache pill. It got stuck. FUCK, that is a gross taste. Insurance won’t pay for the capsules. Rennie is seeing visions of young Jason drowning. Toby also saw it and is scared and ran out the room. The fuck? No seriously….the fuck?
Okay, some guys boxing/sparring. 2 skanks above are watching. The girl of Asian persuasion looks familiar. Blondie doesn’t. OK, that girl is Kelly Hu. You may be familiar with her work. You may know her from X-Men 2. You definitely know her best from The Scorpion King, The Rock’s first big role in a film. Sing along with me if you know the words: I……Stand alone!!! I hope Amanda is reading this. That poor girl. I finally get to sleep with a hot girl and I spent all night singing Godsmack and irritating her roommates. Good times. Oh yeah, the girls have the hots for the boxers. They want to put out, after some pizza. They are definite pizza sluts.
The girls are about to do some blow, before they get to blowing, I’m sure. Don’t blame me. Females were either sluts, best friends, or final girls in these films. Rennie is looking for Toby. Jason is looking for another victim. Does Jason ever get horny? Because he’s kind of a killer zombie, maybe he has no sex drive. It’s a fair question. Charles finds the pizza sluts and he’s a dick to them. Blondie wants to fuck with Rennie and her phobia. The sexy guy is in the sauna. Don’t know his name, but Jason has entered. In Project Mayhem, they have no names. Jason picks up one of those super-hot rocks and puts it through this dude’s sternum.
Hahaha, blondie just bumped Rennie off the side of the ship. That was the best part of the film so far. Rennie gets dragged under by kid Jason. Sean jumps in to save her. Blondie’s name is Tamara. I think I prefer Blondie better. There is a horror film named Tamara. It was mediocre, if my poor memory serves me properly. The deckhand warns everybody that they’re all gonna die. How does he know? Rennie goes to wash her hands after drying off and then gets attacked through the mirror by kid Jason. Seriously….the fuck? The telekinesis girl made more sense.
Blondie is now seducing Charles. That is a fine ass. She labeled her organs for her Biology project. She is clearly my early front-runner as best character in the film, not named Jason. Wayne filmed it all because he’s a puppet of Blondie’s. Wayne just admitted his feelings to Blondie, she blows him off. I really like her. Jason was in the next room over.
Who is in the shower? Blondie??? It has to be, right? Oh, it is. She deserves more money than she made for her role. Jason is creeping. Play some TLC and enjoy him grabbing her robe through the door. She lunges forward, nude, nice ass shot. She bangs her head. Jason destroys the mirror. He grabs a shard. I enjoyed her, but she served her role. And now her watch has ended.
Jason has an option of weapons, including a machete, but takes the stupid spear again. Is he trying to be like Bill Goldberg? The captain leaves his first mate at the helm. Jason spears him to death. The Captain finds Carlton dead. Jason then does the most gentle slitting of throats ever. They really wrote this poorly. There’s a bad storm out there. Gimme Shelter would be solid to have playing right now. Sean and Rennie find Sean’s dead dad. Wayne finds some dudes named Myles. Sean is on the intercom calling for help and gets a hold of the coast guard. But Jason shuts that shit down. Charles comes in to take control because that’s who he is. The deckhand says they’re all gonna die and they are the last ones that he’s come back for. Please, somebody, explain this logic. But the deckhand just told me that I am insane. Julius is now the angry black guy who wants to kill the mother fucker. As bad as female roles were, black characters or anybody who wasn’t white typically had shit roles.
Rennie drops the anchor but Charles is like, hey hey, fuck you. Kelly Hu is looking for Blondie and finds her and then Jason. Run Kelly Hu!!! She ends up on the dance floor and then decides to stand in the center and spin around. Who wrote this? Fuck! Nothing she did made any sense. Oh, and everywhere she looks is Jason. Is she that disoriented? Kelly Hu go night night now. She gets 2-handed lifted in the air and choked to death.
Okay, Julius has his shit together. He has a posse of 4 other dudes and grabbed some weapons. He has a gun and pumped it once because that’s what you do if you’re a badass in the 80’s. Christ, Wayne, still looking for JJ. He shoulda hit that. We haven’t even made it to Manhattan yet. It’s 50 minutes into the film. If you saw this in the theater, would you be annoyed? I am unsure. Wayne has lost his glasses. His name should be Velma. Wayne finds…who was that? Was the rock through chest guy and now he dressed? The fuck? Jason just smacked the camera out of Wayne’s hand and Wayne runs and then found JJ. Jason hucks Wayne into some electric panel and kills him.
Charles is giving Sean shit for not being perfect. They’re back on course. So Jason sets off the fire alarm and there is a fire near the fuel tank. Charles is so awesome. He grabs the flare gun and he’s sick of this shit. I think this is Myles and he has an Axe. Jason has his right arm. Jason’s right arm is more dangerous than the aforementioned axe. Jason’s teleporting abilities are on full display. Myles just got flung off a ladder and is dead. Julius finds Myles. Jason just throws Julies off the side of the boat. Like, the black guy didn’t even get a death scene. He was just tossed.
Rennie is back to seeing young Jason. Current Jason is choking her bitch ass. young Jason looks on. It’s as dumb as it sounds. Charles is ready to do some work. He’s in the kitchen. I want some Doritos. I found Tostito Scoops and hot salsa. Better to use what I have open. Plus I will eat less. Deckhand grabs a butcher knife and scares Charles.
Was this film even originally written as a Friday the 13th film, or is this like how the studios are with the Hellraiser and Children of the Corn franchises? I need to know.
Okay, here are a few juicy nuggets of info. This script was…..actually written for this specific film. WOW. Budgetary reasons are the reason why over half the damn film is on a ship, which I feel is partially misleading. But here is the big bit of info that blew my mind. The role of Rennie could have been played by Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano on Saved by the Bell and main chick in Showgirls), Pamela Anderson, or Lisa Wilcox who played the role of Alice in Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and 5, and I thought that she did a really good job and had a lot of potential. Back to the film. An hour in, still no Manhattan.
Charles is yelling at Sean. Colleen left the others in the restaurant which may not exist. Deckhand has an axe buried in his back and is dead. Wait, so not even going to check on the other student. Charles, Colleen, Rennie, and Sean get on a lifeboat and Jason stands there observing. Sean and Charles get to rowing. Hey, Julius is alive! Good for him!! But seriously, the other students…..just fuck ’em? Oh, Toby made it out safely too.
Okay, they’re rowing. It’s day. It’s night. Seriously, nobody is giving them relief. There’s the Statue of Liberty. Julius is all stoked and singing. An hour and 4 minutes into an hour and 40 minutes long film….makes sense. Oh and as soon as they climb the ladder, there’s Jason. You know, how Jason is so terrified of the water, right? If you’ve seen Freddy vs Jason and this film, you may be severely confused.
Jason sees a billboard for a hockey team with a goalie mask on it. Immediately, our group is robbed by 2 ruffians. One is sizing up Rennie and stole Rennie’s beautiful shitty necklace. Oh, the dude shoots at Toby. Not cool, dude. This guy really wants Rennie. They threaten to kill Rennie if the group follows them. Charles wants to split up and get the police. Wow, impressive. Oh, and the necklace is on the ground. Seriously, just gonna let these guys run off. Impressive. They get her on a couch in an alley and inject her to get her high. Is it rape time yet?
Jason finds the syringe. Jason puts the needle through this dude’s torso. Ruffian #2 thinks a gun is gonna stop Jason. It doesn’t. He gets his head smashed into a pipe. Rennie escapes. How soon before those drugs kick in?
Julius finds a payphone. Jason finds Julius. Julius runs and finds a ladder. Julius is fast on his feet, but on the roof with Jason. He thinks that he can box with Jason. Haha. This is reminiscent of Alice’s brother trying to fight Freddy with karate in NoES 4. Julius is doing God’s work. He really is. He is winded and his fists are bloodied. Good showing Julius. Jason with one punch beheads Julius. I need to play the F13 game again. One of my favorite kills.
The drugs are kicking in on Rennie. Charles has a cop with him and they find Colleen and then Rennie and Sean all within seconds. Really, they split up in NYC and just found each other that quickly? Also, where is everybody? Everybody gets in the backseat of the cop car and Julius’ head is in there. Cop gets got by Jason. Rennie drives the car and runs into Jason only to then see kid Jason and try to run him over, but drives into a gate. Colleen just got exploded inside the car. Good job Rennie. That’s on you.
In a flaming puddle, she sees 2 people in a rowboat. Flashback time to learn about her aquaphobia? Yup, her and Uncle Charles, when Rennie was young. Charles talks about the Voorhees boy drowning. Hahahahahaha, Charles just shoves her in the water and tells her to swim before Jason gets her. Young Jason is getting her. Charles’ voice is so familiar sounding to me. Well, this was his biggest role and he died at 93 this past January. I swear, his voice sounds like an actor from an episode of Twilight Zone. Okay, I was thinking of the one where the 5 characters try to climb out of this room, so to speak. But he was in the second to last episode, called The Fear. I wouldn’t have guessed that. He plays the cop that helps the lady.
Rennie is mad at Charles now. Sean shoves him. They leave and Jason is up and chasing Charles. This is so bad. Jason teleported into the building and threw Charles out and then drowns him in a barrel of green sludge. I want to see the kids from Captain Planet try to take on Jason.I can just imagine it now: “Heart….”
Jason has found Sean and Rennie. Still nobody else in NYC? Jason just walked throw a glass door like the Kool-Aid man. Oh, there’s finally people and a subway. Jason has boarded the subway. And this is why I refuse to ride the subway. Sean uses the Emergency break and all the passengers are pissed. They escape. Jason is pushed onto the electric tracks. Well, considering how he was revived early in the film, I think that he will be just fine.
Rennie and Sean are now in Times Square. They soak in the sights with no urgency. There’s Jason, who now soaks in the sights. Oh, they now see him. Jason kicks a boombox and 4 angry white boys threaten Jason. He shows them his face and they bail. Sean and Rennie enter a diner and people act like this is normal. The cook is a big hoss and thinks that he is gonna fuck with Jason. FAIL!! The cook is Ken Kerzinger, who played Jason in Freddy vs Jason. So many connections.
Now we’re in the sewers. They run into a sewer guy saying they have to get out in less than 10 minutes because the sewer is flooded with toxic waste. That guy dies. Sean is knocked out. Final Girl time. I just want Jessie Spano to start hysterically singing “I’m so excited.” You can imagine how this ends given that they gave us a time frame.
She throws toxic waste at Jason and we see his face and I don’t know what I just saw. Jason wandering without his mask. I don’t like it. Sean and Rennie are trying to climb out of the sewers but the manhole is a thing. Her comes the toxic waste. Jason now has water pouring out his mouth and sounds like a little boy. The fuck?Jason still rises after that. Oh, this is so bad. Oh, now there’s a lightning storm by the Statue of Liberty. Jason now has normal flesh and he’s a young boy. Oh, come the fuck on!!! The mask floats on. Wait, so is the kid alive or in her mind. They are above ground now. Soooo nobody cares about the kid or he was fake? They hug. And there’s Toby. Please play us out with some shitty rock song…..and right on cue.
End Film
Fucking A. I have given 7’s and 6’s for ratings for this franchise, aside from part V, which got a 5.1 for being a shitty guilty pleasure. I assumed I could do something like that here. I can’t. So much of this goes against the tried and true mythology in such a way that the story is far more nonsensical than a traditional F13 film. This bad. This flopped for a reason. The story was bad. The set pieces were okay. Some people defend the ship as a good set-piece and it’s not bad, but then some compare it to a claustrophobic setting like Alien, and no, that’s where I am drawing a line in the same. Nothing felt too claustrophobic here.
On top of that, Jason was teleporting in this film. When did that become a thing? Yes, he has gotten to places faster than he should be able to in previous entries, but they straight up said fun any illusion of him just getting there fast. Nope, teleportation for the win! And the whole final 5-10 minutes was a shitload of fuck that didn’t help the story at all. The kills were pretty tame aside from Julius and the sauna guy.
On top of that, for a film about Manhattan, you never really feel like you’re in Manhattan aside from the subway and Times Square scenes. Jason barely hurts anyone in the city. And that’s what people wanted to see. Instead, he kills two thugs and a cook, and a sewer worker. Who cares?
Also, how did the deckhand know so much? They never explained it. They didn’t even attempt to explain it. It was simply insulting to our intelligence. And why is Jason suddenly a good swimmer? And why was he normal at the end, and was he really there? What was real?
This is a bad film, through and through. Blondie and Kelly Hu were solid. Charles may have been the non-Jason MVP, but I think that may still belong to Blondie. All of her scenes made an impact.
And the rowboat shit. How long were they rowing? Did they take turns? Does Jason swim or walk on the bottom of the ocean?
Final Rating – 3.7 – I am possibly being generous here. I am in a good mood but this movie sucks balls. Too many issues and not enough there to offset those issues. A flawed film can be fun. This didn’t feel fun. I need a nap before I go for Jason Goes To Hell. I don’t remember most of it, but I feel like it may be a slog.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Paramount Pictures (presents)
- Horror Inc. (A Horror, Inc. Production)
- Sean S. Cunningham Films (uncredited)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.