Yup, I am just torturing myself today. Let’s do this.
Well, this opening music is terrible.
Saturday the 23rd.
Some dude is running, he looks terrified, and a car is chasing him. This guy could seemingly hide anywhere, but he is lousy at it. He turns and a guy starts choking him. On the ground, a guy releases a cinder block so that a car rolls and squishes his assailant. Another guy in a suit checks on him. Our scared guy hides in the junkyard. A black guy sitting in an office sees a commercial for Silver Shamrock advertising 3 masks for Halloween. Yes, 3 brand new masks, that glow in the dark. Black guy gets scared as a white guy sneaks in and lunges at a black guy. White guy had a pumpkin mask and said they’re coming. And white guy collapses.
A dad comes home and gives his kids new masks, but their mom already got them masks from Silver Shamrock. Black guy brings the white dude to the hospital. In the hospital, dad is a doctor and see the guy. Our patient sees the Silver Shamrock commercial and says that they’re gonna kill all of us. SO they sedate this guy. A suited guy comes in and kills our patient, like lifted his nose up to his eye socket. The nurse finds him, so the doctor gives chase to the suited man who doused himself in gasoline in his car, lit a cig and blew himself up. Doc calls his bitch of an ex-wife who is all bent out of shape because he had to stay late due to what just went down. She bitches him out.
The dead guy’s daughter came to identify her daddy. Doctor’s name is Daniel, and he is asking one of his colleagues, Teddy, to double-check this cause of death I guess.
Friday the 29th.
Dan is in the bar, sees a commercial for Halloween the movie, then Silver Shamrock. So the 80’s hot chick whose dad died is named Ellie Grimbridge. Dan tells Ellie about what her dad said about everybody dying. She shows Dan her dad’s old shop, and he sold those masks. She suspects that her dad got in some trouble. Dan calls the ex and has a 6 pack of Miller Genuine Draft, and then gets in a car with Ellie. Another commercial!
Ellie and Dan go to the town that manufactures Silver Shamrock toys. He looks dapper. All the townsfolk are just staring as they drive through. It’s creepy. So Dan says that he and Ellie are to get a room at the motel so they can talk privately. This guy who runs it has a great accent. Dan sees that Ellie’s dad, Harry, has recently stayed there. We also find out that some dude named Cochran is a big shot there. Dan almost gets run over twice in the parking lot. it’s funny.
We meet Buddy, Betty, and Buddy Jr Kupfer. They are a treat. Dan offers to sleep in the car, but they already established that they are married, so they start making out. There is a curfew at 6 PM. A bum warns Dan about Cochran. The bum hates Cochran because he hired nobody local for the factory. So he wants to get a case of Molotovs and burn down the factory. The bum strolls off to the junkyard. 2 men in suits rip his head off. This obnoxious bitch, Marge, at the motel is there to pick up an order for her small shop and Ellie says that she’s doing the same. Marge bad mouths the quality of the product. Ellie took a shower, but no nudity…asses.
So Dan returns to the motel and she seduces him and he sucks on her tits. No nudity still. Asses. Marge messes with a logo tag of the mask that she had, messed with the tag, and she got some lazer beam to her face, and a bug crawled out of her mouth. A group of like 8 paramedics are there to get Marge. Heyyyy, Man Ass!!! Cochran shows up and assures Dan and Ellie that she will get treatment at the factory. That makes sense to me.
Saturday the 30th
Dan calls Teddy and she is not finding anything too conclusive, she is confused. Ellie goes to pick up her dad’s order, and he picked it up. Buddy shows up, gets a meeting with Cochran, and we find out that Buddy has sold the most masks nationwide. Now Buddy’s family and Dan and Ellie go on a tour of how they make the masks. This tour is fun. We find out that final processing of the masks is like top secret. Neat-o. They go to leave, and sees her dad’s car in a garage and she is cut off by men in suits, obviously. “I think it’s time for the Marines” says Dan. Dan goes to use the phone at the motel’s front desk but gets nowhere, but at least we got the commercial again. When he left, he never closed the door, and Ellie is missing and now there are 5 suits trying to get Dan. He goes out of the backdoor. He is sneaking around and makes his way into the factory.
Dan finds a lady sewing, but she’s not a lady, she’s a robot, just like everybody else. A suit fights Dan is no selling all of his offense like he’s John Cena. He rips out the innards of his assailant. 2 more suits and Cochran show up, and he is pissed about the lady’s head. Cochran knows his name. The suits take him away.
Sunday the 31st, Halloween
They bring Dan down an elevator. They are in this big room and scientists are working on a rock from Stone Henge. Lots of scientists down here. The rock has strange powers. Time to see a demonstration with Buddy’s family. I am stoked. They bring them to a test room that look like a living room. Buddy says that Cochran will be in the room soon enough. They start the TV and play the commercial. It instructs kids to put on the masks and watch. This is nifty. The mask is like a real pumpkin, and the kid collapses, and bugs and snakes pour out of and the snake bites Buddy and the mom has already passed out. What the fuck did i just see?
They escort Dan away. We see the commercial play and all the kids buying the masks and advertising the big giveaway, so all the kids are glued to the TV sets. Teddy tries to reach Dan to tell him that it doesn’t look like a car part. One of the suits is there. She tries to call the sheriff, and Suit takes her down and drills her in the dome. NICE! Teddy is dead. Cochran tells Dan that this will be a fun joke on kids. He talks to him about the meaning of Halloween. He blathers on about sacrifices and witchcraft from 3000 years ago. He slaps a skeleton mask on Dan, and says the planets dictate the sacrifices I guess. He then turns the TV and it has Halloween playing. Dan breaks his TV set. Dan has cut himself free, and the mask is off. Dan is escaping through the vents. They discover that Dan has escaped. Uh oh.
Dan calls his ex and tells her to get rid of the masks and she is giving him a hard time as is usual. Of course, Dan tries to rescue Ellie. He gets her out. The suits are on their way. They keep alluding the suits. Dan grabs a shamrock token. Dan is in the control room and messed with the control panel and now the commercial is playing and they make their great escape. As the commercial plays, he dumps a box of token that explodes and fucks up all the robots in the room. Ohhhhh no. There’s a weird blue glowing circle in teh control room. The rock shoots at Cochran, and he got like vaporizes, and then the building just explodes and Dan and Ellie get away. They play the radio and the song commercial came on. Ellie looks fucked up. She’s a robot and she gets them into an accident. I knew it. I said that would happen a long time ago in person. She attacks him after they get out of the car. He assaults her with a tire iron. Her cut off hand makes a last ditch effort. HAHA. This is so dumb. She rises up again and lunges at him, but she collapses. So he runs off, back to the junkyard in the beginning, and there’s the black guy again.
He calls and demands that it gets taken off the air. 3 kids show up and are trying to watch the commercial. One station goes down. The second one goes down. He is begging that they take down the 3rd station, and he is screaming “Stop it” repeatedly.
End Film
Soooo that’s why this film is pretty much loathed. As numerous people have said, if this film didn’t have the Halloween franchise title, or maybe not called part 3, instead just Halloween: Season of the Witch, sorta like how American Horror Story doesn’t always reference seasons by numbers, that would have helped a great deal and possibly lowered expectations.
I vaguely remember renting this film, well my mom rented the first 3 Halloweens when I was pretty young, 5 or 6 range. I remember liking the first 2 Halloweens but not really digging the third one, it kinda bored me. As an adult, I wasn’t bored as much as I just thought the story was pretty bad. We have seen films of this kind in the past, and this isn’t among the best. I didn’t really like any characters aside from Buddy and the black guy at the junkyard. That’s never a good sign. I will be ok if I never see this one ever again.
Final rating: 4.5
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