Let’s do this final chapter of this great franchise. I’m pumped, and I found it for free on YouTube and it is rated NC17. Hmm, how is this on YouTube again?
So the girl who played Jessie is back in this one, playing the role of Tess, she was the Kelly Bundy chick. My girl Linda, the hot one, is back in the role of Dawn. Who decided this made sense? Shayna is the not so hot brunette in this one. The redhead is named Jackie, she’s nice to look at. And there was our fat guy in the elevator. Hahaha, they just said Sorority House Massacre and talking about my fat guy as a psycho, his name is Orville Ketchum. I was looking to get the DVD, but on Amazon, the cheapest is $75. Wow. Fuck A Good Day To Die Hard, making all my searches so much more difficult. Like don’t fucking give me Die Hard, that’s not even the correct order you fuckheads! I’m pissed.
We have boobs. This girl, Diana, clearly just screwed her way to a job. She types 14 words a minute. Yikes.
So they are trying to give us some boring story to tide us over til the girls get nude and run around in their underwear. I won’t bore you with it. These girls work at ACME lingerie. Orville is the best part of this so far, no surprise. Hey, the sprinklers turn on, so now the girls are all wet. Clearly the makers knew their audience. Tess is supposed to meet with an agent, she has to push it back a few hours. The agent had himself a topless chick. Sweet. The girls are all dry now. They open a box, think the box from Hellraiser, and when open a spirit came out and made a terrible noise. They were hungry, gonna order pizza, then Chinese, then instead decided to shower. Tess is topless, but we could clearly see she had panties on. Wow, I love this shit.
Diana is the only one interested in working. Oh, the girls decide that since there is clean lingerie, may as well wear it. OK, Shaya is now showering her fake tits. First, she was wearing panties, then they do the full body shot and she is nude. OK, Jackie is in and fully nude. All that is left is my favorite, Dawn/Linda. And Tess is dead. Shayna is waiting for food, and she is alone. I can hardly wait for this. Alright, and there’s Dawn fully nude, and BOOM, all 5 girls plus the bonus girl, so we have 6. YAY!
And Shayna got got. Wow, the Chinese delivery person’s outfit. Just fucking wow. She got lit on fire. Holy shit, this scene with the 2 detectives and CEO dude, well they just explained a ton of back-story and about the box in one convenient, poorly delivered scene. The 3 girls are looking for Tess and Shayna. They get to the basement, and there are their bodies. Oh and the detectives wanna kill Orville. Orville finds Dawn, she is trying to kill him. This is the same girl who tried killing him in part 2, by stabbing and choking him. Guess what “dawn” tries doing here, yup stabbing and choking. Some shots she has blood on her upper breasts, other shots, she doesn’t. Continuity ladies and gentlemen. She now has a limp, we can’t figure out why. After limping around for 3 minutes, there’s Orville in the now working elevator. She tries killing him or beating him again.
Diana is possessed by the entity in this one. Dawn finds Jackie. If you didn’t see Diana as the one being possessed, then you simply don’t understand narrative and horror films in general. I could see another person possessed by the end of this. Hey, there’s Orville, ripping a knife out of his side, trying to take out possessed Diana. He just snapped her neck in pursuit of killing Ketchum, then tossed her down the elevator shaft with hilarious sound effect. Ohhh, the double feature at the theater is The Erotic Zone and Mile High Girls. The detectives break up a porn shoot in which the director complains that the girl having dirty feet and not wearing heels. He also has no care for continuity. The detectives are questioning a girl with an atrocious French accent. Normally I find the French language something sexy, but her delivery of Oh la la…that would simply ruin an erection. Oh, the detectives decide they want doughnuts followed by cheesy music.
Orville is back up, stapling a bandage to his knife wound. Jackie found him and is running away, from the rooftop of this building. Fantastic. I do love her outfit, like it’s still pretty sexy. I think you ladies would do well to wear it for your gentlemen callers. Dawn comes up with a metal trash can lid, runs into him, and this knocks him off the roof. Jackie claims that she just wants to get some clothes on. Now Orville is missing from the sidewalk. The girls run back into the building. Oh, Dawn now remembers that her ankle is hurt so from running to limping. Jackie finds a gun, I can’t tell what it is, blurriness and darkness don’t help. Dawn says she can use a gun because her dad used to be a marine. Yup, genetics yo. Orville somehow magically find the exact room they are in. O, she unleashes this assault rifle flurry upon him, firing between 50 to 100 shots, and the sound effects were fantastic. He falls. He gets up. She fires another 50 shots easily. Oh, possessed Diana is up here. They don’t realize that her voice is different, and she wants the gun.
Orville grabs Diana’s leg. Diana grabs the gun from Dawn, hits her with the gun. Dawn apparently had a backup gun. The girls spray down some gunfire but between the 200 shots, Diana gets hit once, same with Jackie. Jackie overreacts falling down. The boss is up there, talks to Dawn, gets shot by Diana. The gunfire is something you’d hear out of an 80’s or 90’s alien shoot ’em up arcade video game. SO great. Diana still is using the original gun, it was to have used well over 500 bullets by now. Oh and she fires at Orville some more, because he came back alive. Orville shot Diana, she collapses, Orville is down, Dawn is ducking. the 2 hapless detectives are here with a cop. They are finding bodies left and right. the female detective wants to split up, the guy is like, nope. Oh, Diana is back up, still firing the same weapon. The female detective takes out her gun, missed 6 shots from close range. Dawn finds the cop, he missed 4 close shots. Diana takes him out, stalking Dawn. Orville is now up with an assault rifle, he and Diana are firing at each other.
Raylene “Now this is just getting stupid.”
Me “Just now?”
Dawn thanks Orville for saving her life. There are now 6 paramedics. Orville and Dawn are on separate stretchers. They hold hands and they play some wedding music and the screen closes to a heart shape. And roll credits.
Wow….it says during the credits “No girls were actually harmed or mistreated during the production of this film”.
How do I rate this in the proper context? Like it wasn’t a good movie, it was awful. But this is the epitome of knowing it’s so bad and cheesy that it becomes a selling point. This is something that would be on Monstervision starring Joe Bob Briggs on TNT in the 90’s or Up All Night with Rhona Shear on USA. Why the fuck doesn’t a cable network still do that shit on Friday or Saturday nights, run really cheesy horror flicks? I don’t get it. Anyway, how to properly rate this? If I was basing this on film merit alone, you’d be looking at around 3.5 to 4 range for the chicks, the violence, and the attempt at continuity from part 2. If I was to rate this on the so bad that it’s good scale, I’d be inclined to go 8 to 9 range because, well you just read what I wrote. I’ll give this a 6 because it really was enjoyable to me. With that said, if you don’t enjoy bad movies with scantily clad women who show their breasts and wield automatic weapons against killers and possessed women, well this may not be the film for you. If what I just said tickles you in a delightful manner, I think there’s a lot to like here. So ends the Sorority House Massacre trilogy. But I may look at some more Sorority house horror films if I get bored. Or Reform School Girls.
Final Rating: 6.0
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- New Classics (presents)
- Miracle Pictures
- Pacific Trust (copyright holder)
Please go find a copy and support the creators.