A good old fashioned slasher! That’s I ever wanted. We get Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, and the great Robert Englund. Yes, I’m happy.
Robert Englund and his boy are on a boat and looking for a 12 footer. I will assume a gator. Their names are Sampson and Ainsley. Ainsley is trying to piss and a Gator almost gets him. Sampson keeps calling his son a queer, and it is funny unless you are PC. But then you’d have no sense of humor at all. So they get to a dock, Ainsley is gonna finish his pis and Sampson is hunting for it. Ainsley doesn’t see or hear his paw. He finds a very dead Sampson, he was torn up. Ainsley tells it to bring it on, and he gets slaughtered, ripped in half. It’s a bloody mess. Good start.
We are in New Orleans, just saw 5 pairs of tits and it’s Mardi Gras. 5 more pairs, up to 10. Another pair. Hey, the “nerdy” dude from Grandma’s Boy. Hey, 2 token black guys. Marcus is the darker-skinned, Grandma’s Boy is Ben. They go to some voodoo place, and Tony Todd comes out the Candyman bitch, and he can’t do night tours anymore. The insurance rates are too high. Haha, the last time he did it, a guy slipped, bumped his head and sued Reverend Zombie for negligence. Ben is dwelling on his ex-girlfriend, Christine. “You can’t hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everybody knows that.” Awesome. They go past 2 girls, one is puking, and Marcus is all suave. 2 more pairs. They are at Marie Leveau’s something. These 2 girls are topless and making out for this dude who is filming, and the girls hate each other. The blonde is dumb as a mother fucker. Haha, this tour guide is so cheesy. Sweet, Office Space, Jump To Conclusions mat” guy is here. The guys sit next to chicks. Ben introduces himself to Marybeth. Ben is awkward as a mother fucker. Ben is giving him the death stare. Marybeth is giving one-word responses. She basically tells him to shut up.
Marcus is with Jenna. Jim and Shannon are the middle-aged couple. Everybody all the scare bus. Misty is the blonde, Shawn is the tour guide, and Doug is the porn dude filming. Jim’s jaw drops as they drop their top. Jack Cracker is warning them of Victor Crowley, played by the great Kane Hodder. Jack is an awesome horror movie dude. Shawn is just ridiculous, and fantastic. “This is fun” – Ben “About as fun as a bag of dicks.” – Marcus.
They go on the boat and they go past Victor’s house, and he is dead, per Shawn. Shawn is trying to tell them they see ghosts, but it’s just marsh reactions. Jenna has an itchy crotch, Marcus is sad. Ben explains to Marybeth why he is there, about his ex. They get stuck on a rock. The boat is sinking, it is pouring rain. Jim is gonna walk the tree that they are stuck on. He gets attacked by a gator, and Marybeth shoots it because she has a gun. Misty is a pain in the ass and holding everybody up. Misty, Mary, and Doug fall in the water. His camera is wet and he worries about that. A gator is coming, but he escapes.
Everybody is safe, but Jim’s leg is bad. “Does somebody want to explain why Janie’s Got a Gun?” – Marcus. This is Shawn’s second tour. Marybeth is looking for her dad and brother (Sampson and Ainsley) are missing. Marybeth tells the story of Crowley and his boy who was deformed. Sweet, Kane Hodder!!! So kids are cruel to the boy, and these teens accidentally set the house on fire, so they scurry away, but Mr. Crowley couldn’t get in. Sorry, Kane is Mr. Crowley. He was trying to chop down the door and instead, he put a hatchet through Victor’s head. Kinda sad. Victor supposedly wanders as a ghost that haunts the swamp. Hey, and they are really like 100-200 yards from the Crowley house. Everybody is angry at Marybeth for telling the story.
Shannon and Jim keep heading to the house, and Marybeth says to turn around. There’s Victor, who is also Kane Hodder. He just killed Jim and Shannon. Marybeth shot Victor. Both good, bloody kills. Marcus is hiding up a tree. Doug is running scared, like Paul Walker. Misty dropped her phone like a dummy. Doug ran into Victor, and his head twisted 360 degrees. Misty and Marcus get the best lines. Marcus and Shawn get in a fistfight. “You do know the vibrator goes in your cooch and not your ear, right?” – Jenna “Oh go suck your dad off again.” – Misty. Awesome. Oh, and Doug has fake business cards to see tits. Good for him!! No, he doesn’t work for Bayou Beavers.
They find Doug’s dead body. They hear music, and it’s Misty’s cell phone playing “I Don’t Wanna Wait” for my lunch to get colder. Marybeth has 2 shots left. Smart. Ben and Marybeth are away from the group, smart. They find her dad and bro. Crying…lots of crying. “Are you sure the number is 911?” – Misty. Something in the bushes is moving. It’s a raccoon. There’s Victor with a belt sander to Jenna’s face. Marybeth hits him in the head. Shawn goes to get the shovel, Victor chops off his leg, then decapitates him. He then impales Jenna on the shovel handle. Marybeth wasted her last 2 shots.
While deciding where to go, Victor just like shows up. Ben says no sense in running, may as well fight back. We are down to our final four. Misty has a terrible belt on her jeans, just saying. They go back to the Crowley residence. Marcus and Marybeth talk shit to get Crowley, and instead, he picks off Misty while they aren’t looking. She was dismembered. They pour the gas on him and set him on fire, but then it starts raining again.
They are in a graveyard, and Victor is on their asses. Ohhhh no, Victor bear hugs Marcus, then rips both of his arms off. Then is picked up and slammed against a crypt of something. I mean, he got destroyed. We’re down to Ben, Marybeth, and Victor. Victor javelin tosses a gate bar and impales Ben’s foot and comes charging, so they bend the bar so Victor impales himself. Nice. They leave and find her daddy’s boat. They are out in the boat, she starts blatting again. They bond for a second and then Marybeth gets pulled out and down in the water. She sees Ben’s arm and she reaches for it. She gets pulled up only to see Ben’s arm is ripped and Victor has pulled her up.
End film.
When I originally watched this, I didn’t really enjoy it. It was very average. Seeing it a second time, it really made me laugh, and I had fun with it. So I guess I may have been in a bad mood that day. All in all, this is over the top sensationalistic gore, and they do great with it. They have a sense of humor throughout with Marcus and the 2 girls. It has a decent story to it, no worse than other slasher stories. Lots of tits too! 12 by my count. How awesome is that? Anytime that you get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger on the same set, you are in for a good time.
Final rating: 6.9
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- ArieScope Pictures
- High Seas Entertainment
- Radioaktive Film (in association with)
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