Hellraiser: Revelations has a 2.7 rating on IMDB. It is only 75 minutes long. Doug Bradley is no longer pinhead. The film supposedly takes place in Mexico. This is considered the worst film in the franchise. I don’t have enough beer in the fridge to make this sound fun. Just to get you more excited about this, here’s a nice bit of info via Wikipedia.
“The film was produced in a matter of weeks, due to an obligation on Dimension Films’ part to release another Hellraiser film or risk losing the rights to the film series. Due to the quick turnaround time and the rushed production, series star Doug Bradley declined to participate, making this the first entry in the series in which he does not play Pinhead. It was released in a single theater for a crew screening that was ostensibly open to the public, then released to DVD in October 2011.”
Revelations is going to be super fun, right? Let’s start Hellraiser: Revelations. I am truly afraid of this one.
Start Film
Oh God, this is handheld found footage looking. Nico Bradley says that this will be an epic journey and his friend is named Steven Craven. So the last names are Bradley and Craven. They’re heading to Tijuana. Their car got jacked. Now Nico suddenly is in another room, shirtless and opening the box. Oh God, there’s Pinhead and talking about ultimate pleasure. Then there’s a mom looking at Steven’s video camera, and the Bradleys are now there. And I need a break.
We have the Craven’s: Ross, Sarah, and Emma is Steven’s sister who was dating Nico. Peter and Kate are Nico’s parents. The acting in this is great considering how quickly they had to film it. Oh my, I hate how Nico says Tijuana. Nico fucks the girl that Steven was macking on. Why is Steven’s family watching this videotape? Seriously!?!? And they wanted $10 for this DVD! I love streaming. The girl is now lifeless and bloody in the stall where they were fucking. Steven suggests that they tell the cops. Then Steven says okay, lets just destroy the tape. Nico says no because they keep them as partners. I still have an hour to go. But I am 20% through this, I guess that is a perk.
I think my banana is bruised. It makes me sad. I am happy that we saw Nico getting chained by fake Pinhead. Suddenly, Steven arrives at his house. They have no cell reception and closest neighbors are 4 miles away. The landline is dead. Oh, and the cars are now gone. Steven doesn’t want to “go back there”. God, the men are all angry and the women cry a lot. Great character development. Haha, Ross has a gun and Sarah is bitchy. She’s the worst so far. What the fuck is this? Was Nico dressing like Pinhead?
The dude that they got to play Pinhead isn’t right at all. I know, it was rushed, but for fuck’s sake. Mmmm, a commercial for bourbon. That would help me right now. Oh yeah, that banana is fucked. I still have some pineapple and a real apple. I will have one after this fucketry of a film. Pinhead gave Nico another square of flesh for his head and a new pin. Emma is playing with the puzzle box. The house starts shaking and the box rotated. Nicohead is hammering on the pillar. And now Steven is missing. Oh, wait, no, he’s just outside. Steven says that the Conibites are coming.
Back during the trip, Nico and Steven are hanging out at a strip club. But no nudity. Nice really doesn’t really care about the dead girl. This homeless looking dude approaches their table with the box. He describes it as the ultimate arousal. The guy describes the Cenobites as angels. They ask how much t is, and the guy says it has always belonged to Nico. Of course. Steven wants to just go home and Nico is trying to enjoy this ridiculous trip. I’d beat the fuck out of Nico until he was in tears if he ever talked to me the way that he talks to Steven. Steven holds the camera as the box opens. Back at the house, per Steven, Nico didn’t want to return.
You know it’s bad when I find the ads more enjoyable than the film, even this AARP commercial. Steven gets picked up by a sweet looking hooker. She wants $100. She is nude and has a very thin body. Nico is telling Steven to kill her and help Nico. Nico needs more because he needs blood for his skin. The parents ask Steven what the Cenobites want. He says that they want to experience their flesh. Of all nights, Steven happened to pick this one night? Steven is dreaming about having his facial skin cut off by the Chatterer. Emma starts eating Steven’s soup. WHY???
Steven is flirting with his sister. Giggity Giggity. Fuck the soup! Now they are making out. Makes sense. He goes for boob too. Steven apparently experienced doing this in hell. The 2 dads go outside to take a look. Peter is tanked. They decide that Steven must have taken the cars. But then the homeless dude shows up. Peter takes the gun and is super aggressive and says that the one who escaped is here. Peter shoots him. The women check it out and Ross tells them to go back inside. The homeless guy is up and cuts the shit out of Peter’s head. The homeless guy walks away. Now everybody is busy crying or screaming. Ross orders the women to the living room and Peter appears to be dead.
Steven randomly went outside and grabbed the gun. Ross asks for the gun, and Steven shoots his dad. Steven goes on and on about being sick of the same mundane life. Ross says that this isn’t Steven talking. Is it Nico in Steven’s skin, like Frank did in the original? Flashback to Steven getting another hooker. This is the plot for the original, pretty much, but with no real decent storyline or actors. And Steven does all of his own killings. The hooker has a baby so Steven won’t finish her off. I definitely fell asleep for 10-30 seconds at one point. Nico kills the hooker instead. Fair play. Oh, and Nico killed the baby. Nico asks Steven to bring him a man so he can take his skin and Steven says no. Hahaha, Steven says that he has given him the shirt off of his back and that leads to violence. So here we are.
Back at the house. Oh, now we find out that Ross and Kate were fucking. Haha, so absurd. Then he makes fun of Emma for making out with her own brother. Nico wants the box. Nico asks Ross for an apology and Ross gives him one or actually apologizing to Sarah. Nico brags about being Emma’s first cock. Sarah asks where Steven is. Emma comes back with the box. Nico wants to trade Emma’s soul into Pinhead to get him off the hook. Emma stabs him. He hits Emma upside the head and forces her to open the box. We’re almost finished. The pillar and chains are in the house, officially.
Pinhead wants to rip Nico apart. Ohhh, it was Steven as Pinhead Junior. Pinhead told Kate to be quiet. She didn’t, so she got cut open. Steven cuts a square from Kate’s face. Nico wants to do the trade and Pinhead says no. Nico gets chained instead. Pinhead thinks that Emma will call them again. Ross just shot Nico and Nico thanks him. Well, Pinhead is pissed that he can’t torture Nico. So now Pinhead seeks payment. Well, he just fucked over Sarah for eternity. Hahaha. Steven and the Chatterer bring her away. Pinhead says when this existence ceases, they will be waiting. They leave, Ross dies. Emma is alone and she grabs the puzzle box. She stares at the screen with it in her hand.
End Film
I have so many negative things to say, but read this from the Wiki page. I feel that Clive Barker has summed it up best. This is fantastic, by the way.
“Clive Barker and Doug Bradley have made no official comment on the film. Barker’s only comments have been in response to ad copy that the film comes “from the mind of Clive Barker;” he posted on his Twitter feed, “I want to put on record that the flic [sic] out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKIN’ CHILD OF MINE! I have NOTHING to do with the fuckin’ thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker, it’s a lie. It’s not even from my butt-hole.”
That’s right, not even from Mr. Barker’s butt-hole. I feel that response deserves a slow clap. Seriously, if you have the rights to an iconic franchise, either put it in the hands of an experienced writer and director, give it to a bright young talent, or let it go. They had no intention of doing anything positive with this. I know that I would prefer to keep the rights. And they could have simply shot a low budget film with some more time. Yes, there was a deadline, but they knew about the deadline for how fucking long? I’d rather see an honest effort made and have it bomb, like Nightmare on Elm Street 2, than to see this bullshit. The actors did what they could. I’m sure the director and the crew did what they could and I applaud their efforts to shoot this in three weeks. My anger lies with the company.
Rating: 2.9 – Yes, this was worse than Hellraiser: Deader. Do you realize how much that pains me to say? Had they not done the handheld shit, this would have been higher than Deader, I think. The story itself wasn’t bad, but the handheld and new Pinhead were terrible. And Pinhead, it just didn’t work for me.
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