Oh, another Hostel made by Eli. Punch me in the throat now. This has a good cast with Heather Matarazzo, Jordan Ladd, Bijou Phillips, and Nicotero doing effects.
We start off with Paxton passed out on the train and going to the hospital. He is getting asked about the place where all the shit went down. This is a very basic recap. They ask about the tattoo and Dutch. They lock the door, and the lead guy asks if the tattoo looked like his and he stabs him, and it’s a dream. Him and his girlfriend talk. She wants him to go to the police, but he’s afraid to because they are all connected. Oh, and now at the kitchen table, Paxton is headless.
We have 3 girls who are at an art class doing nude drawings. There’s man ass, and there’s a hot chick and her nice tits, her name is Axelle. I didn’t catch any girl’s names, but I know Lorna is one, and I think Whitney and Beth are the other 2. These 3 are going to Rome I think, on a train. There’s a creepy dude, he looks in on Lorna while the girl’s get a drink. Axelle is on the train too. She can’t possibly be evil. Old guy is in the room with Lorna. Whitney wants drugs, so they go back to this guy’s car. There are 2 other guys, so 3 Euro douche bags and they hit on them, an argument, they leave, and Lorna has had stuff stolen. The 3 guys are pounding on every door. Axelle ends up with the chicks, she just happened to get Lorna’s iPod back. Axelle talks them into going to some hot springs in Slovakia, and she knows a perfect place where they can stay, and watch Pulp Fiction, at a Hostel. Lorna is annoying. I like Heather, but her character can die. The same dude working the Hostel in this film.
So that front desk guy makes a scan of the passports, and then random dudes get a text because they will be a nice prize. The kids are back, they want a dollar, Lorna offers them a smint. Leader spits in her face and calls them bitches. There’s a party, I think it is a Halloween party. It looks like a good time. The girls are dancing with euro dudes at the party, except Beth. A guy asks her to dance, she says no, and he says he could have helped her. She found it odd, and another guy is asking what he said and said that he won’t bother her anymore. Lorna is smitten with this big dude with long hair, and he wants her to go on a boat ride, but Beth tells her no. Beth ends up talking to Stuart, the guy who won her in a bid. Oh, and Lorna is on the boat and she gone. Fun fact, the guy who played Stuart was the dad in Excision. If you are reading this, you can turn this off and go watch that. It’s so much better.
Roman and Beth dock on land, and she gets bagged, and then gets knocked out by 2 dudes. I wish Roman would have tapped dat ass. Whitney is tanked and all about Miroslav. Beth makes sure that she doesn’t spend the night with him. What a good friend. I feel bad for Miroslav. Beth sees 2 guys in a room packing up a room. Todd is telling Stuart that they need to just do it and stop being pussies. They end up in a room with 8 scantily clad women. Nice.
The next day, Beth, Whitney, Axelle, and Miroslav are in the hot springs. Oh and Lorna is being hung upside down and nude. Finally, some tits. Up to 2. It’s nice to see her nude after all of these years of seeing her in things. Just saying. The candles are lit. In comes this chick, she disrobes and lays under Lorna. I like where this is going. Nice booty shot. This lady has a scythe. How cool is that? Best scene of the film by far so far. This lady is just slicing Lorna and bathing in her blood. She then does the slit the throat kill shot. Good luck topping that scene. That lady’s name was Mrs. Bathory. Just had to know. Up to 3 by the way.
Beth can’t find Whitney or Axelle. They gone. While Beth is looking, 3 dudes come at different angles to get her. She runs to the road, and it’s the guy she turned down, but he has been beaten and tells her to go away. She runs in the woods and is tripped by a rope. The kids emerge and start beating her with sticks. A dude with a gun and Axelle stop them. Axelle, you can turn heel at any time. This guy puts a gun up all the kid’s heads, trying to scare them. We all know that you can’t shoot a kid in the face, the public would be pissed. He puts his silencer on and asks for just one kid, so they nominate one, push him forward, and the dude shoots the kid, and that is all. Fair enough. This movie is way better than the original.
This syndicate seems to have a better set up now than they did in the first one. Whitney gets brought in to a room and is restrained in her chair. This lady undoes her lock. Whitney bites a piece of nose off. You ungrateful harlot. She tries to escape. This is funny now. Bitch, what did you learn?
Back with Beth and Axelle, at Axelle’s place, she sees a picture of Axelle with the old dude they bumped into on the train. And now some guys are there to take her. Axelle looks up at her, and just nods like “this is business”. Beth ends up in a room with like 9 severed heads, including Paxton’s, and she is kidnapped. Todd was getting a BJ and then gets the bat signal that his girl is ready, so time to do some coke. Awesome.
Todd and Stuart arrive at the compound to have some fun. They are picking out the tools that they will need while some operatic singing is going down. They get the butcher attire on. Todd is pumped, Stuart is super serious. There she is, under a black hood. It’s fucking go time here. Get some! Stuart removes her hood and shows himself to her. Her hair has been butchered. Stuart tells Beth the whole story basically.
And where is dear Whitney, looking sexy. Todd has her. His power cord wasn’t long enough to get her face. Todd is funny. Stuart is a coward. Todd is maniacally laughing and accidentally gets her in the side of the head and gets a lot of her hair. He is pissed, he bags her and is walking out saying that he is done. Oh, and Stuart bopped Beth in the head. Todd just ate by the dogs. The workers bandage up Whitney and quickly try to get another buyer. They talk to a guy who likes to eat human flesh while listening to classical music. These people go room to room asking, and get to Stuart and ask him. He asks Beth if he should buy Whitney too, and he sees that Todd is dead. Stuart is like, yeah, I’ll take her.
We see Stuart approach her via the security monitor, but we don’t see what he does. He brings a necklace back to Beth. Stuart is an angry little man. “I am fucking Hercules.” says Stuart. Oh man, that was great. Beth is trying to convince him to let her live. He makes her get on the floor and she is seducing him. Time to do the deed, right? Nope, he wastes too much time, so she gets the upper hand and beats his ass and chains him to the chair. The security guys are not paying attention.
She is trying to escape. A bunch of guards make it there, she is about to cut his dick off. She says that she wants to buy her way out, and she has the money Lebowski. This guy is willing to negotiate. Stuart called Beth a stupid fucking cunt one too many times, she cuts his dick off and feeds it to the dog. Time for her to get the tattoo. Tramp stamp of course.
There’s another party, and a kid steals the boombox. Axelle gives chase. She trips over the rope, Beth cuts her head off and the boys play soccer with her head. Delightful.
End Film
OK, that was better. Much, much better than the first one. I don’t know if I will ever rewatch it though. If I did re-watch just one of the franchise, it would be this one for the story, acting, and better violence. I don’t know why Eli didn’t go for the 3rd one and strike while the iron was hot as Saw did. Saw just kept pumping them out yearly and had a story and upped a lot of things. Shame, because I think this franchise could have grown on me, had Eli kept going.
Final rating: 5.0 I have no idea if I will re-watch, in which case it’s a 5.8, but I don’t think I will.
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