I’m not sorry for what is about to be said. These are just my opinions. If you haven’t seen the first one, I’d say that you should stop reading and watch it, unless you don’t mind spoilers. I think that is a fair enough warning. Let’s get down to business.
Why the fuck was this made? Wouldn’t it have made more sense for another group of documentary makers try to find out what really happened to the first group? I mean, this shit is cliche enough, but at least that is the logical progression if you insist on making a sequel. Nope.
So all five of the original cast is alive. Nobody really got hurt. The worst thing was that Brandy was buried in that coffin and then released by one of the clowns, I think. She’s a whiny bitch this whole film. The buried alive footage became a YouTube sensation, so the guys want to make money by reviewing other haunts and using their celebrity status, but all of the places will only pay top dollar if “Coffin Girl” is with them. Let’s stop right here. Basically, this film says fuck the first film. Fuck the story that we told. Fuck all the last 20 minutes. The only thing that mattered out of all of that terror was Brandy’s bitch ass getting buried. Are you fucking serious? Why would you do that to your own creation? Why would you quintessentially undo most of the positive aspects of your first film just to make a shitty sequel? Fuck, there’s more.
The guys aren’t making enough money, and they eventually convince Brandy to come along with them. They assure her that they aren’t doing any extreme haunts. Just basic shit like haunted hayrides and shitty haunted houses. They do a zombie run, and an eating contest with Kobayashi. Seriously, how the fuck did they afford Kobayashi? People keep suggesting that the group checks out Hellbent. During one haunted house, a blue skeleton appears and Brandy does more whining, more freaking out, and it is nausea-inducing. She is just the worst! By the way, the camera work is much improved due to higher budget, and a drone. This all leads to Hellbent.
Spoilers for anyone who doesn’t want the last act ruined, just skip down to my rating paragraph. One night while sleeping, somebody drives the RV to North Carolina, with them in it, and they all wake up at 4PM. Seriously, that is a thing that happened in this. Well, they play along until all of them get knocked out with ether. When Brandy awakens, she is now alone in the room, but she’s a girl, and feminism, and stupid fucking SHIT! So once again, she wanders around and sees each of the four guys gets tortured, and in the case of Mikey, I’d say burned alive. Zack gets his arm cut off, and it looked so fake. That was the clue of what was next. This leads her outside where she is surrounded by guys, and there is a small coffin. She opens it up and there’s a gun. She then puts in her mouth, and the four closest people reveal themselves to be the guys. Yeah, that happened. She then blows her brains out. Or should I say fake brains. We have a flashback where she sees video footage of the guys putting together this plan and she got so pissed. The cool girl whispers in her ear and gives her the blood packet or whatever to rig it so that when Brandy shoots, it looks like she killed herself. Oh, and nobody got the extra money, which was the guy’s motivation for tricking her, and everybody is pissed off and miserable and that’s kind of it. They just leave it there. It’s like they took a shit in the middle of the living room, and then walked away. We see a YouTube video counter of this soar and it’s for the Blue Skeleton.
Why the fuck was this the idea? Those four guys would not have been that mean to her. She was their golden goose and they needed her in order to be profitable. They weren’t going to make like a million bucks or anything, so they wouldn’t have risked long-term financial security for even 10 grand, because it’s not much when split up. This was such a stupid, boneheaded plot twist.
Don’t fucking make any more films unless you can tell a reasonable story. Jesus, this felt like Super Troopers only horror, at times. I cannot tell you how relieved I was when this was over. Never again! Fuck this piece of shit movie. Everybody involved should be ashamed at this attempted money grab. I didn’t love the first one, but there was enough there that they could have built off of it. Nope, they just shit in the middle of the living room. You know what I’m not going to watch? Anything directed by Bobby Roe.
Rating: 1.5 This was painful and stupid. It could have been better. Even if you insist on it being mediocre, don’t insist upon us with that absolutely abysmal twist. M Night Sham is looking away because he’s embarrassed for you guys. I just want to say, I really wanted to like this one. I was actually cheering these guys on to make a good film. Learn from these mistakes, please. From one creative person to another, we all make bad decisions sometimes, and you can’t undo it. You just need to rise up and be better next time.
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