OK, now that I have relaxed after that nightmarish movie, we’re back in the saddle again. I had this recommended on IMDB, so let’s see what we have. The very first scene takes place in 1992. So far, so good. There are a ton of spoilers, I can’t help it, this movie amused me too much.
Well lookie here, 2 of the stars of this are none other than Sid Haig and Bill Moseley, better known to the horror universe as Captain Spaulding and Otis from Devil’s Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses.
A minute in, and Otis has killed a kid. A little later and our main character has banged the hot chick in the movie, and we have seen her boobs. OK, well that’s cool. I now feel obligated to sit through this because, we’re doing this for charity. After nailing her, he drugs her, ties her up in a basement of garage it appears, and he looks creepy in his rocking chair. This looks extremely dated, but it supposedly came out in 2012 and an iPhone was in here. Oh, there’s skeletons in that room.
The dude is a college student, something in the medical field. He is now gonna take a chick out named Kristen. I would be oh so terribly sad if he kills a bitch like Kristen. Girls whose name begins with K or R…..I don’t know. Haham I doubt anybody reading this is a female who’s name begins with K or R are reading this. If you are though, let me know. I will get zero responses. I’m a very unpopular guy.
Wow, the acting….it’s top notch, C level shit. I feel like this should have been on Lifetime. Wow, so our main dude, David, he is with Kristen, and some detective asks him dumb questions. The very next scene, he arrives at his house and another detective is there and wants to search his house. Really? That’s pacing right there. David apparently has lots of framed pics of himself with ex girlfriends. So Kristen bounces, David kills one detective. The first detective is now staking out David’s place. David comes out with 2 large dark garbage bags. The original detective follows him much to the plight of his boss who tells him to wait for backup. And now David has pummeled this detective’s head in with a hammer. I’ll give them credit they are not wasting any fucking time. We are less than 20 minutes in. The detective’s boss shows up, saves Melissa, the girl who he originally banged and had hostage, and David high tails it out of there.
Otis!!!!! I love his voice. Sid Haig is a doctor in the hospital. Bill is David’s dad and he’s coming to meet David. Oh, David told Melissa that she better keep the baby or else. She just told Sid that she’s be keeping it. Now you have a taste for the movie, and we have jumped ahead….you guessed it, 9 months. Did M Night Sham write this?
Now I am gonna hang back, watch the rest, give you any highlights involving Sid or Bill, and then wrap it up with a review.
Man, Kristen was concealing her boobs in the shower. This is bullshit here. I want more boobs so we can up our pledges for donations. Oh and by the way, my wish came true. BOOM!
Melissa now has dark hair? Because some jackass tells me that it’s been 9 months and women are entitled to change their hair color while pregnant, well that makes sense, except why in a film? Oh, most likely she was working on 2 projects, or this one stopped filming halfway through. There’s flashbacks of David drugging Melissa and banging her. He was banging her while wearing his underwear. Is that weird or is it just me? Come, show a little man ass for the ladies.
Sid Haig is a handsome man. Especially when the camera is extremely close to his face on a 60 inch TV. I do not anticipate anybody buying or downloading this movie. The timing is so amazing in this. Cop is guarding Melissa outside, gets on his radio just to say that there’s no sign of David, and we see a shadowy figure in the background. This is some paint by numbers shit. The black cop that was inside hears a car horn. He comes out, calls the cop lazy for resting his head on the steering wheel and just casually walks up to check on him. This is just funny.
Oh man, it just gets better. So the bald FBI guy that originally saved Melissa goes to visit David’s dad, Bill Moseley. He talks to him for less than 2 minutes, gets no info. He then says goodbye. Now this is where it gets good. He walks out of Bill’s house, steps on the proch, takes a few steps to his right, then calls up another FBI person, and has a conversation about how he thinks Bill is hiding something. Needless to say, Bill can hear this clear as day on the other side of the door. SO professional.
The conversations, my goodness. Melissa is talking to David about him drugging and raping her. He says “I never raped anyone, you gave me consent in the warehouse.” Mind you, they just showed us him drugging and raping her, and he was so matter of fact. Then Melissa doesn’t say much. She then acts chill, tells David that she wants this family to work and she wants to make love. She pulls out a knife, makes no attempt at any aggression, so he easily grabs her arm, bends her over the table, and rails her. I bet that was “rape” too. Now she just deserves to get got. I am liking this movie way more than I should. Unbelievable.
How has nobody found Melissa yet? Seriously, he’s outside chopping wood in the middle of the day. Melissa is so sad, so now it’s time to drown the baby. Now she goes outside, gets his attention and runs off. Holy fuck. I’m only at the halfway point. She ran through the woods, and just so happened to have a middle aged bearded man in a cowboy hate in a pickup truck, and he’s gonna bring her to the cops.
So David brings his dead daughter to Bill’s house. Bill says he has to leave and Bill will take care of the daughter. Bald FBI agent just so happened to be standing next to a door at Bill’s house. Come on Bill, save your boy! Yup, shotgun to his bald dome. Baldie was apparently named Lorenzo. Silly bald men, when will they learn.
Melissa is attempting to act. She can’t. She clearly got the role because she had sweet tits, was willing to show them, and probably worked for a few jars of peanut butter. Maybe a jar of fluff too. I wish I had some fluff. Bill is yelling at a detective!!! This detective finds out that Melissa killed the baby. So now a different detective is bringing Melissa in for questioning. She passes out on the way there. Sid Haig stops by, the detective says Sid can’t go in, but Sid pulls the old “I’m her psychiatrist” line and the detective is shut down like a bitch. This blog is so much longer than i anticipated, but this movie, it’s so bad that it’s good.
I think David just picked up a prostitute. He got the hot one, and now he brings her to some place, he got her topless, so second pair of tits. Then comes the amazingly bad dialogue. Why is nobody watching this with me? I need somebody to laugh with. “I am David O’Hare, one of the most sought after murders throughout the land….I could bash your head in with this claw hammer, but I wanna use my surgical knowledge….you will be my first hooker killing” all in this weird deep voice. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? You had a hot prostitute, bang her first, then kill. Duhhh.
So this new FBI guy, I am assuming FBI, is also bald. No stereotyping here. Maybe Lorenzo is still alive and a different bald fuck got killed. I am way too busy typing during this. Oh god, now we have a copycat killer. This is just too funny. I have never seen a real prostitute, I would like to someday. I’m not gonna pay them or anything, I just wanna see one, maybe smile and wave, that’s about it.
So this cop looks in the room where the hooker got killed, she’s in 2 separate trash cans. He doesn’t react at all, then he comes out and delivers his line with urgency. Melissa is in a psych ward I think, trying to kill herself. Only 15 minutes to go in this gem. Melissa’s hair looks lighter again. This female doctor told Melissa to never give up. Who is she, John Cena? I am so sick of typing the word Detective without Tapp followed behind it.
2 bald guys in the same room. Too soon!!!
The last 10 minutes have been an utter waste of time. David now has a sniper gun. He sees Melissa outside. He sees Lorenzo as well. Or for fuck’s sake, the doctore asked Melissa to clear her thoughts and draw the first thing in her mind, and it didn’t have to be special of detailed. We see through David’s scope that it is this super highly detailed portrait of some guy’s face, looks like a photograph honestly. She would have required a few more minutes than what she took.
FBI baldie sees David. he shoots David like 3 times at close range. David then falls, stab the agent, and steals his car. And then he gets to a farm house, and he walks, it then ends. Is this a joke???? No loose ends were remotely tied. The idiot who played David was also the director and writer,
Well I had planned on giving it between a 5-6, but nothing happened the last 15 minutes and that seems like a waste. I can’t give it more than a 4. I’m so disappointed right now.
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