This has a shitty rating on NetFlix and IMDB. Needless to say, I’m excited. Please be better than Ouija.
Oh dammit, it’s a fucking found footage video. I’m already annoyed. Every once in awhile I can be pleasantly surprised. They are British, so I have to put up with the accent. Oh well. We have Jemma, the hot chick, Matt who is the silly one, and Steve who is the cameraman. They are submitting some video for a paranormal video challenge. Jemma is not a believer in the paranormal, but she is curious. She has nice eyes and lips. I guess this is for a million dollars. Matt is talking about his dead grandfather. So they ordered a supposedly haunted mirror off of eBay. Nobody I guess bid on it. It’s an adequate mirror. Jemma jokes that they have been ripped off. Steve is keeping the camera focused on the Mirror. And long pause and nothing happened.
This is really, really good so far….
Matt was sleepwalking. They wake up and catch him on video just standing in front of the mirror. This is supposed to be creepy, but he just pissed himself and a bunch of giggles. Teehee. I think Matt and Jemma are together. They show him the footage and they joke that he used to piss on his ex-girlfriend. I almost laughed. When he was 6 he fell down the stairs and fucked up his skull. More piss jokes. Matt has a camera strapped to his chest. I know we won’t get any tits, so I’m holding out zero hope.
We see many different times of them staring and waiting for the mirror to be cool. Steve tried lighting candles and getting an Ouija board. Do you feel that? That was all of my optimism rushing out the door. They are talking to a spirit named Tony and lots of “I’m not pushing it”. Yeah, that’s what everybody says. I want to use an Ouija board and the first person that says that gets hit in the head with the board for being a jackass.
Matt is like in a trance, more pissing his pants jokes, and Matt is walking around like he is sleepwalking. I think Tony is supposed to be in his body. Matt goes to the kitchen and grabs a knife. Now it’s not funny…..really? This is the funniest part. Way better than the piss jokes. Matt was joking all along. I couldn’t be flipping this movie off any harder if I tried.
It’s night, Matt is sleepwalking again. He goes into Steve’s room, then goes to Jemma, and now the kitchen and heading to the knives. It’s morning, nobody knows where Matt is. They found Matt outside on the fire escape curled up in a ball. Matt’s eyes look like shit and he is spooked. Matt is acting like a total bitch.
Matt is not talking to anybody, giving them the cold shoulder. Matt won’t show them the video footage, he claims that it is him just sleepwalking to the balcony. Matt had turned off the mirror cam during that night. They decide to go to the circus. Of course, they do.
They return, and the place is trashed. The camera is tipped over of course, and Jemma’s beauty mirror is smashed. They check the mirror cam and of course, it stopped recording. Steve is like, they weren’t gonna win with a friend just sleepwalking, but this makes it real. Fair point. This is Matt and Jemma’s place, and Matt is all pissy. A mirror in the bathroom was also cracked. We are past the first third mark.
At night, Matt sleepwalks, grabs the knife again. He goes into Steve’s room with the knife and gets close to him with it. Nothing cool with the reflection on the blade, or shadows. Now he goes to Jemma and gets even closer, but then walks away. And that was it. This movie…..
The camera stopped at night again, so Steve is pumped blaming it on the mirror. Matt is not entertained. Steve is the only thing that is likable in this film because he keeps pushing everybody’s buttons. Matt cut up a bunch of food, got pissy, went to his room, ya know, with that knife. It’s night time, Jemma sees Matt sleepwalking with the knife so she wakes up Steve. Now they look for him and we have shitty handheld bullshit in the dark. He’s been in bed all along. Steve and Jemma are gonna sleep in a room together and Steve slept in front of the door. Matt is confused. Everybody is all on edge and Jemma pushes Matt away and Matt is just like, what the hell did I do type reaction. Soooo, why not just lock up the knives? Matt is pissed that they didn’t surveillance him all night. Oh, she says that they got the knives last night. He wants them to look the door. Everybody is yelling and Steve is trying to be lighthearted, but these 2 are just terrible. Matt goes and just locks the door, and he won’t open so Steve says “Matt, Jemma has her boobs out. She is out here dancing with her tits out.” So now they are trying to figure out how to get him out of the room. She thinks that Matt doesn’t care about her anymore. Of course.
OK, next day /night and Matt is trying to get into Steve’s room and Gemme is in there. They push a dresser in front of the door. Matt is out and about, outside wielding the knife. This is stupid, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap. He is stalking some girl outside with the knife, he runs after her and gets maced in the eyes and she runs off and he screams in pain. Jemma checks on Matt in the morning, he is passed out in bed and his feet are dirty and his eyes are super red. Oh, and she got her phone charger. Hahaha, worst jump scare this year for me. That was so bad.
Steve realizes that it’s been Matt that has been turning the camera off at night and Steve is swearing at him. Good for him. Matt was taking a shower so they go through his room looking for stuff. Matt comes out and his eyes are really fucked and he can’t see anything. We are at the two-third mark. I keep hoping that this would get cool, and the characters more likable, but nope. Jemma is like, do you realize how serious this is. Jemma goes in to see if Matt will go to the doctor. She opens the door and he is just standing still. He was just cozy in bed. Soo he tells her to get out about 5 times, getting louder and chasing her out of the room. Uh-huh. She asks him to come out, he ain’t having it.
She has a really pretty facial side profile. I assume that’s why they did that. Back to Matt cam, and he has the knife and is on the hunt. I just want tacos. Matt is standing in front of the mirror staring at it. I think he is gouging out his eyes with the knife. Yup, that is exactly it. And he stands there, no screaming. And now he is outside on the prowl again. There’s a woman walking. Go on and kill her because, why not. Yup, she drops her keys and he slashes her throat and she is a really good and believable actress. He gouged out her eyeballs too. That seems fair to me.
The next morning, Jemma and Steve go in the bedroom looking for Matt. Nothing. The mirror cam was tipped over. He’s not on the balcony. She is worried that he is laying in a ditch, and Steve tells her how dumb that is. Steve reviews the video of the day that they opened the mirror and Matt rubbed his eyes. She’s just Debbie Downer.
It’s night time. A person goes in the bedroom, nobody in there. Now out to the living room and Jemma is just sitting there crying. It was Steve by the way. So still no sign of Matt. The next day and the mirror is wrapped up again. On the back, it has Matthew written on it and Steve says that it chose him. Jemma says that’s ridiculous. She wants to cover it, so they put a robe over it.
It’s night time, and there was a buzz, like a doorbell. Steve gets yo and Jemma is on the phone. She says that she thinks that it’s Matt, so Steve races downstairs to see if it’s him. And then we wait on the stairs, and wait, Steve finally comes up and says that no one was there. Jemma is all scared, and wakes up Steve, Jemma says that there was, but now it’s gone. Steve says that she was just dreaming. Suddenly we hear Jemma screaming. Steve comes in and she has cut the shit out of her belly, 4 long slices. She is crying. Wah wah wah, I cut myself, but now when somebody is trying to bandage me, oh it hurts. Nope, don’t be a moron.
Steve takes the mirror in the car with him. He is out in a wooded area, just sitting there with the mirror propped up against a tree, and Steve has a sledgehammer. NICE. Play me some Peter Gabriel. BOOM, and he smashes it. Back to the place, Steve and Jemma are having an awkward, quiet meal. Nighttime, Steve comes into Jemma’s bedroom. He wishes her a goodnight. He goes to the kitchen and takes the knife and puts them in the oven. Matt wakes up to 3 slices on his belly. Steve gets out of his room and sees a person in black and asks if it’s Matt. He apologizes to Matt, and the person’s nails are sharp. Steve can’t find Jemma, and now the figure is gone. He makes his way to the living room, and the mirror is there. Now Jemma is in the living room with her back turned to him. She no longer has her eyes and stabs Steve with the knife. Steve looks in the mirror and is crying. He collapses, then we see that it was submitted for the award and police never found the bodies. Yeah.
End Film
No, no thanks. This wasn’t a good story, it was bland and methodical, and how many found footage films have to have a person with their back turned, or a body collapsing at the end? Really, I am sick of it. Could I do better? I have no idea. I don’t think I could even seriously consider doing a found footage film, because I’d be too busy giggling. This didn’t work for me aside from the eyeballs getting taken out. Even nudity couldn’t have saved this mess. They tried really hard, and probably for the budget, they did good. The effort was there. I am simply not a fan of the Paranormal Activity format, because that’s all this was.
Final rating:3.5 and that may be generous, as my enjoyment level was probably closer to 2.5
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