Sigh…..here we fucking go with the worst of the franchise. This is the gayest horror movie of all time. Not joking, this is a story about a guy coming out of the closet basically.
Teenagers are getting off the school bus, and the attire is fabulous. Robert Englund is the driver. We are in Springwood, so that is nice. There are 2 “hot 80’s” chicks and they are laughing at the dorky guy in the back. They go past the girl’s stop and we are like in the fucking desert, and Freddy is driving and it is all dark now, and they are practically off-roading, and it is lightning out. The guy can’t open the window. The stop. The ground starts falling all around them. They are like on 2 spires in a valley. Freddy has gotten up and the girls run to the back, and one of the spires made of a pile of rocks has let loose. The bus is a rocking. Freddy creeps on them more, and he goes to slice them, but it’s just a dream.
We see a mom slicing tomatoes, hear the guy, Jesse, scream. His little sister is eating Fu Man Chew cereal, hahaha. This family just moved in. Angela is his sister and she gets the Fu Man fingers out of the box which is like pointy tips, like Freddy. Lisa is the hot redhead that Jesse gives a ride to school. If he is new to this place, how does she know to get a ride from him?
In gym class, Jesse isn’t paying attention while playing outfield, gets beaned in the head by the ball. He and a guy wrestle later and he pulls down Jesse’s pants and we see man ass. So they get punished by Coach who is having them do push-ups. So, Ron, the other guy, asks Jesse if he is nailing Lisa, and of course, he isn’t, because he is a closet homosexual. He’s worse than Tom Cruise. That’s a South Park reference. Relax.
We have a nightmare and Freddy is outside putting body parts in a stove, or something like that. Jesse returns home, looks in the basement, and sees the fire glow. SO he is afraid, calling for his dad. Freddy gets face to face with him and tells Jesse that they have work to do as Jesse has the body, and Freddy has the brain. End dream.
In biology class, Jesse falls asleep and a snake crawls on him and everybody laughs at him. At home, Dad orders Jesse to clean his room and is one of the worst people I have ever seen. We have some sweet pop music, and he has on killer shades, some Nike’s, and terrible hat, and he is just dumping clothes into his dresser. Lisa comes over to help out. They find a diary from Nancy that talks about Glenn and Freddy.
Dream time and he is overly hot in his room, things are melting, so he goes to the basement and he finds Freddy’s glove in the furnace. Freddy talks to him, Jesse trips, and wakes up and there is still the glove I guess. Kerry invites Lisa and Jesse to a party at school. In the boy’s locker room, they bitch about Coach having a stick up his ass, Coach overhears, and they have to do push-ups.
At home, it is sweltering, 97 degrees. One of their birds is dead and the other attacks the family and then spontaneously combusts. Dad blames Jesse. Dream time. Jesse ends up in a bar full of unique individuals. He pours himself a beer. Coach stops him. So Jesse has to do laps in the gym, his shirt fully unbuttoned. He tells Jesse to hit the shower. Coach then hears something and then a bunch of balls start attacking him. Now the jump ropes wrap around his wrist, and other showerheads turn on in the locker room. The coach guts tethered up to the showers and is stripped nude and has his ass towel whipped. Freddy then slices up coach. Jesse then has Freddy’s glove on his hand. The cop found him wandering outside in the rain nude. Dad wants to know if he’s on drugs and who he getting them from. That whole scene, I feel Ryan Murphy was involved.
Jesse and Lisa go to school, and Coach is dead. Yup.
At night, Jesse wakes up in his tighty whiteys, and he hears something. The glove is moving in his stand, and we hear Freddy whisper “Kill for me”. Hey, a girl jumping rope. I like it when we have more girls. We find out that Nancy supposedly lost her mind and her mom committed suicide in the living room. The toaster catches on fire. Dad is befuddled. It wasn’t even plugged in.
Soooo wait, Nancy supposedly lost her mind? Yet, in Part 3, she is one of the 3 smartest people in the cast? This fucking film is trash.
Lisa, you are barking up the wrong tree if you want his ding dong in your vajayjay. They find a rat in a cabinet, Lisa needs Jesse to hold her for fear. Really? Jesse goes into Angela’s room and has on the glove. Time to pop some caffeine pills. Always a great decision. I support as much caffeine as possible.
We are now at the big party scene at Lisa’s house. Mom wants dad to go to bed so the kids can be irresponsible til 12:30. Jesse is being very distant to everybody including Lisa. He is losing his mind. Jesse pecks her on the lips, oh they really start to make out. When the parent’s light goes off, they change out the cassette, put on some great jams, and beer. Jesse is squeezing her tits, and then his tongue is all black/greyish, and he stops with her, and she is frustrated because she was with a gay guy and she was unaware. So Jesse breaks into Ron’s place, and both are exposing their chest. Jesse wants to sleep with Grady. HAHAHA, this is just so bad. Jesse wants Grady to just watch him and stop him if he tries to leave. Soooo, Jesse got sick of making out with Lisa and squeezing her tits so he could spend the night with Grady.
Jesse wakes up and says that it’s starting to happen again. He looks like he has cramps. Blades are growing out of his fingers. His right hand is looking like Freddy’s. Grady can’t get out of his room. Freddy emerges from his Jesse cocoon. Freddy slices through Grady. Jesse is crying and saying that Freddy killed him, but Jesse had the glove on, and Grady’s parents are trying to break the door down.
Jesse comes back to Lisa’s all covered in blood and is scared. He admits to killing Coach and Grady, and how Fred Krueger is in him and wants to “take him in”. Oh dear.”He owns me”.
Outside, the pool water is getting warm, and the hot dogs are exploding and caught on fire. Beers are popping open. The gates get locked magically, the parent’s door gets shut magically, and Lisa tells him that he can fight him per Nancy’s diary. Everything is exploding indoors and outside. Freddy meets Freddy face to face. Delightful. They wrestle, Freddy bites her leg, gets kicked in the face. Lisa has a knife, but won’t kill Freddy, oh she tries to stab him, but he just laughs at her. Shouldn’t Freddy be vulnerable in the real world as established in part 1 and 6?
Freddy leaps through the door and disappears. The parent’s door opens. People are all spooked. Freddy comes out of the ground and is just wreaking havoc. This is beyond silly. Flames are flaming. People are dying, and everybody is cowering at Freddy. Dad breaks open the gun cabinet, misses by a mile. Lisa stops the second shot, and then he just walks through a wall and disappears. Soooo uhh, Freddy has powers in the real world.
Lisa takes off to the plant from earlier. There are dogs with human faces. Lisa’s leg is cut. This last part is like our typical boiler room, but way, way, WAY worse. Indescribably bad. Hey, Freddy shows up 3 minutes later. She keeps asking Jesse to come out. Yes, come out. She proclaims her love for him. Lisa wants Jesse back and Freddy is like, NO. “He can’t hold you, Jesse, he’s losing his grip.” Lisa starts to make out with Freddy, willingly. The railings are now on fire. Freddy is getting warm. He’s melting. It’s getting hot in here……you’re welcome for getting that song stuck in your head…..so take off all your clothes. Hey, the Freddy melted away and there’s Jesse. She’s crying, they hug.
The next day, Jesse goes out for the school bus and mom walks him out. A throwback to the original? There’s Lisa. Why isn’t Jesse driving? Kerry makes fun of the party. Jesse feels that the bus is going too fast, and he yells at the driver and makes a fool of himself. Kerry tells him that it’s ok, that it’s all over, and then the glove rips through her chest and the bus goes back to the desert. Annnnnd
End film.
Goddamnit, that movie is so fucking bad. I am sooo sorry to any gay people because this was supposed to like represent coming out of the closet. I wish they could have done the community justice at the very fucking least. This is a damn slap in the face. I am so sorry that I just sat through this garbage juice. This movie makes me laugh for all of the wrong reasons. This movie has very little redeeming qualities.
AND I am so sick of people who defend this film because Freddy is darker and more like in the original before he became light-hearted. Are you shitting me? Freddy was sillier in this than he was in part 3 and possibly part 4. This was not some super dark Freddy. People who defend this tripe with that lame fucking excuse, wake the fuck up, stop making excuses for a shitty film with a terrible script, terrible concept, and took what we had to work on from part one and just say, you know, this doesn’t really work for us. No, fuck that. Sick of people defending this monstrosity.
Final rating: 2.5
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- New Line Cinema
- Heron Communications
- Smart Egg Pictures
- Second Elm Street Venture (copyright owner)
- Media Home Entertainment (uncredited)
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