Well, this movie has one and a half stars…..yikes. IMDB has it at 4.4, and an acquaintance of mine who likes really shitty horror like Insidious even found this stupid. Ugh…here comes the pain.
We start off with 2 young girls playing with a Ouija board, and, one girl sees a shadow, and it was one of the girl’s sister I assume. And that was the pay off. Fast forward, the blonde girl is grown up, playing with the board, it says goodbye, and she tosses it in the fire. I can’t wait for October. This movie stars the chick who plays Emma in Bates Motel. That is a show I plan on blogging about as I am 2 seasons behind after thoroughly enjoying season 1. By the way, how the fuck do we get the pronunciation that sounds like Wee Gee out of Ouija? HOW? We are 5 minutes in, and nothing is happening. Not like, hey we are setting up for something cool. No, just bland bullshit. Whenever there is a truly bland beginning, I will always compare it to The Descent, worst opening for a well regarded horror film of all time.
So the blonde’s friend wants her to go out and do something, and blonde doesn’t want to. Oh, the hot blonde who lives on her own, is eating and the door behind her slowly opens. The stove just came on by itself. Ohhhhhhhh. Now she ventures upstairs, no lights. Ambiance mother fuckers! She goes to her room, and there’s the ouija board on her bed and she steps on the viewer accessory. She looks through the glass and her eyes turn white. She takes some white Christmas lights down, and then she hangs herself. Sigh. I so wanted to see her tits if they were legal. She was born in 91, what a stupid year to be born, and so she would have been legal. SO missed opportunity. Let me guess, this is probably PG 13. Sigh…..yup. Fuck you Hollywood for making too many horror films PG-13. Rumor has it that every time Hollywood spits out a PG-13 rated horror flick, an angel gets anally raped. Fact.
Hey, looking at the credits, Lin Shaye is in this. She is such a valuable asset to have in a horror flick. If you don’t know who she is, well allow me to Kentucate you, because this movie is having a funeral scene and boring the fuck outta me. Lin is the younger sister of New Line Cinema founder & CEO Robert Shaye. Who is he? Well, he is quite instrumental (producer) in a lot of famous horror flicks, notably Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. SO why is she important? She was in the original NoES, Running Man, New Nightmare, There’s Something About Mary, Dead End, and the Insidious franchise. So she is relevant. I will straight up admit, I haven’t paid much attention these past 10 minutes, Lin Shaye was far more interesting. Rubbing my testicles is more interesting.
I will say at one point, our main girl watched some videos of her dead friend. Our main girl has red hair. And if I can find a picture of her boyfriend, he has a resemblance to Alice’s brother Rick in NoES 4 in some angles. Why do I bring this up? This all feels like NoES 4. Alice had red hair. Alice watched old videos of her dead friends. New Line Cinema. Yes, I am this bored that I am trying to find ways to amuse myself. Oh, we’re at a high school, just like NoES 4. I swear, this is probably how I will entertain myself during this film. A girl died who was named Debbie in both films.
Laine is feeling all guilty, and she feels like she can communicate with the dead, just like Alice in some ways. God, now I want to watch NoES 4. The soundtrack alone is fantastic. Laine’s younger sister irks me. Her name is Sarah. Haha, Laine scared off Sarah’s booty call older bf. That guy was clearly a coward. He just drove off.
OK, so we have Laine, Sarah, Trevor and Isabelle at Debbie’s place to play with the Ouija board. Sarah is fucking obnoxious. Hey, Pete showed up. I swear, I haven’t paid enough attention to know how all of these people are connected. I think Trevor is dating/banging Laine, and Sarah is her sister. Pete, maybe he is nailing Isabelle or was dating Debbie, because he had a key to her place. Anyway, they start talking to Debbie via the board, and they are asking if they could have helped her, and my god, they are mildly retarded, or “slow” for the PC group that can’t handle a word and depict people who use other words as inherently evil. Fun fact, look up what ARC stands for. Go ahead, I’ve got time. Oh, ain’t that some shit. Retarded is the middle fucking word for an agency that helps people with mental disabilities. Yup, I think I can still use the word. By the way, I miss my boys at Liberty. they were good dudes, and I think about them often. Good, sometimes aggressive hoss-like, great guys.
Oh, so the lights went out, Trevor or Pete saw something in the mirror, and then he got shoved into the mirror and cracked it. I could go for watching Mirrors. I really enjoyed that film for what it was. Nothing life-altering, just a neat idea. Awwww Lain has a little tiny penguin figurine. Penguins are my favorite animals. Bet most of you didn’t know that now did ya? Hahaha, Isabelle is telling Laine about how she couldn’t sleep well and how she had all of these dreams. I swear, this movie is trying to tie in to the NoES franchise. And one of the older characters warned of getting answers from the dead via the Ouija board. I mean, that was guaranteed to happen.
Now Trevor has his bike and approaching a tunnel. He sees a shadow. This reminds me of NoES 3 with the Wizard Master scene. Hahaha. The shopping cart just magically went from one side to the other. OHHHH Shit, on the wall is says “Hi friend” which is the first thing Debbie said via Ouija. There’s a guy that works at the diner named Hank. What a solid name. Bitches won’t like it. Why do so many women want stupid soft male names? Go for Derwood and Maximus and Thadeus instead of Oliver, Brandon, and Russ. OK, had to make fun of Russ. OK, Isabelle saw Hi Friend written on her car, and Pete or Laine saw it on a desk. OK, so we have established that as a thing. Laine goes downstairs, sees the door open, letting in all the leaves. Then the door slams, and Sarah and Laine are scurred. There’s a bang, so they go hiding in the closet because, I need to vent. In what circumstance as a teen and beyond have you decided that hiding in the closet with the vent look, is a good hiding place. Oh, and Laine’s PC had Hi Friend written on it. So now the Scooby-Doo gang have a mystery on their hands, so back to the board. If this movie had a face, I would like to drag my ball sack over its face.
So they are talking to Debbie, and at the table, a chair moved and the viewer moved off the board. Oh, halfway through. If I was a religious man, I’d be praising God. Since I’m not, I’ll praise Bob Barker. OK, so Pete was Debbie’s ex. Got it. Oh no, it’s not Debbie talking to them, it is DZ. They were never talking to Debbie to begin with. Oh my. I hope DZ stands for Dr Zaius. Maybe a couple of you laughed at that, maybe a couple of you looked up that reference. The rest of you are lazy inconsiderate fucks. I give you a solid joke, and you just read on. Look it up, it’s borderline funny fuckheads.
Here’s what I don’t get, whenever I used a Ouija board or seen others use it, I’ve never seen people hold the glass up to their eye. Is this a thing, or just something they do in the film? Go ahead, respond via social media to me, please. So Laine sees Debbie with her mouth sewn shut. So she drops the viewer and it spells RUN. Is Bray Wyatt on his way there? Once again, nobody is getting my references, sigh. Mother is on her way apparently. Did anybody else start singing Danzig when they saw this scene? OK, so she looks at Debbie, and Debbie points and we see the evil-looking Mother. Sarah is like, hey we may have just broke another rule. Oh man, do I have to give Sarah credit for being the only one with a modicum of common sense? A little more than 30 minutes. I can do this, I can make it. Holy fuck, that penguin of Laine’s was a USB thumb drive. Fuck, I want that shit yo. Best part of the whole film. I am gonna look online to find one and not miss anything remotely interesting in this film. Laine is watching Debbie on her PC again. Debbie was obsessed with with playing with herself, I mean by herself. Fucking PG-13.
Isabelle is flossing and suddenly her mouth is sewn shut and the tub is overflowing and getting her socks moist. MOIST! Oh, her eyes just went went white, she levitated, and got dropped forehead first onto the sink. Who wrote this shit? That was such a stupid death scene. People from Final Destination are watching this and giggling.
Laine is with a guidance counselor, and then she talks to Trevor and then Pete. She needs Pete’s help. It’s only been 5 minutes since I last checked. Fuuuuuuuck. Titanic was faster paced than this, not by much, and was still shitty, but yeah, it was probably a better movie based on amount of deaths, Kathy Bates, and bare tits. At least that alone is worth a 3, and I may even go 3.5, lots of deaths. Laine is in the attic of Debbies, and the flashlight is moving on it’s own. Feel the dread.
Oh, now they are finally doing research on Mother. Fuck man, this movie was extremely profitable. Made approx ten times it’s budget. Fuck. Hey, Lin Shaye is Mother’s daughter, Pauline. Sweet. OK, so we finally get some back story. So we learn that DZ is Doris Zander, and she was a missing girl. The police suspected the mother was involved in the disappearance. Laine visit’s Pauline in a hospital or mental facility. Lin Shaye is Doris’ sister. Doris mentions that she hasn’t seen her sister’s real face in a very long time, and Laine talks about how she saw her with her lips sewn shut, so Doris says that Mother did that. Doris got used by Mother to be a vessel for the spirits when Mother was doing her seance. So Doris couldn’t handle all of the spirits, so Mother sewed her lips shut to stop the voices. So Pauline put a stop to it. I wish Nic Cage was involved in this. Pauline says that they made a connection via the Ouija. It doesn’t matter what kind of garbage is coming out of Lin’s mouth, she is very creepy and convincing. So we find out that Mother has a secret room, and they need to go there, cut the stitches from the mouth and pray the Doris can take on Mother. OK, I can kinda get behind that least. With approx 20 minutes to go, maybe we can have some fun yet.
Hahaha, just had a jump scare, not via film, but something fell in my kitchen. Hahaha. Owww, my head hurts, it was really loud. OK, and after 3 minutes of sleuthing, it was an ice pack from the counter, slid into my bag of recycling. Glad that was scarier than this film.
So the teens, they go to the house, and get looking for the room. Hahaha, a shadow fucked up Trevor, drags him, and runs in after him, into a room. Pete goes after him and the door slams shut behind them. Sarah and Isabelle are left along. They find a vent, so Laine gets on her knees, where is could have served this film better all along, and finds the room. OK, the room is a spooky set piece. That’s good. Laine finds Doris, and now her flashlight stops working. Of course. I’m ready for a jump scare soon. Sarah gets dragged away while waiting. Now wait a second, I’ve got an issue. SO we have this decomposed corpse, and the stitches are still in her mouth. SO Mother sewed the stitches through the bone? Believable? I’m not buying what their selling. John Kramer/Tobin Bell is watching this and shaking his head, thinking, this all wrong. Mother is there, she is trying to stop Laine. She succeeds and Doris lets out a scream and like vaporizes Mother. Well, now you have unleashed the beast incarnate, BROCK Lesn….I mean Doris. Bitch, you cannot just cover up Doris. There is 15 minutes left. We are back at Laine’s house.OK, I must pause here to vent again. How anti-climatic was that whole scene? I would have dragged that whole thing out 5-10 minutes longer, from the moment they entered the house, I would have had Mother trying to break up the group and fuck with them. Wow, even when the opportunity is there, they just don’t run with it. Fuck this.
Laine is back to watching old videos. And I don’t give a fuck. Now I’m just angry. Pete comes home, and finds Debbie with her back turned. She turns around, has stitches. Then morphs into young Doris from the opening scene, only with stitches. And so she opens her mouth, screams, and now Pete is possessed and his eyes turn white and mouth is stitched. Oh for fucks sake. Laine wakes up to her phone vibrating, non-sexually, and it’s Trevor informing her that something happened to Pete. Time to visit Pauline. Pete’s dead.
Hahaha, Pauline laughs, says that she is free. She helped free Doris. Thank you Pauline for turning heel. Pauline warns Laine that she will start hearing shit and then gets in her face screaming about how Doris will keep her promises. Oh, older paranoid lady who is anti Ouija is suddenly a fucking expert on how to handle these demons or whatever. Fucking hell. Trevor is at Debbie’s and “Sarah” tells him to hurry, they are “back here” so he goes in the backyard by the pool and Doris scares him and sends him flying into the pool and he is getting caught up in the pool cover. He’s probably gonna die, leaving the sisters. The sisters are in the house, and suddenly there’s Pete, with his back to them. Eyes white, mouth stitched. Haha, so bad. Less than 10 minutes.
They go downstairs, and Sarah gets dragged through the vent, back into “the room” and there is Doris. Laine decides, time to fuck with the Ouija board. Doris is about to stitch up Sarah’s mouth. Apparently, there are rules, this isn’t Nam. So there’s Doris with her hand on Laine’s and Laine’s eyes for white. Debbie shows up for the save. Sarah through some clothes or whatever into a fire, this angers Doris, and then the board in the fire too, and then her spirit kinda goes into the wall. Laine is back to dwelling on deaths and not saying goodbye. Hopefully Sarah is evil now. Sarah asks where all the evil spirits went. Laine flosses and she comes in her room, and there’s the viewer. She looks in it, the screen goes black, and we have the credits????? Are you fucking me?
End film.
So the question is, what was worse: Ouija or Zombeavers? I didn’t think I’d find a contender to Zombeavers this quickly. I gave Zombeavers a 2.7. It had tits, blood, a funny opening, a blooper reel, and some funny one-liners here and there. This had……I don’t know what it had. A semblance of a plot that was technically better, and better acting. Can I deduct points for missed opportunities? I think I’m gonna do the right thing here. Ouija gets a rating of 2.5. If it wasn’t for Lin Shaye, this would actually be rated 2.0 or less. This was a bad, bad, bad film. Also, Blumhouse films tend to look too similar visually, which can be a blessing and a curse.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Universal Pictures (presents)
- Platinum Dunes
- Blumhouse Productions (as Blumhouse also)
- Hasbro Studios (in association with)
- Dentsu (presented in association with) (as Dentsu Inc.)
- Fuji Television Network (presented in association with) (as Fuji Television Network, Inc.)
- Media Rights Capital (MRC) (uncredited)
- White Noise Factory (music and sounds)
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