This movie sounded so bad, I had to see it. Wish me luck.
We start right off with a very nude, tanned lady, and she is showering. This is the best credit scene ever. 3 minutes in, she is still very nude. 3 minutes and 35 seconds, she finally puts on panties. She has a bush area tattoo. Some dude calls her, and he wants to make a video, but she turns him down as this new director (Malfini) is gonna pay way more. This girl is a very, very talented actress. She is late for her shoot. She goes to her car and some dude put a pair of pantyhose over her head and strangles her???? Wait, how the fuck does that work? Seriously. Also, that was Shelly Martinez, formerly known as Ariel in WWE’s version of ECW.
Starlet Studios, California
3 guys bitch at a guy about cold meals. Sandra comes there and is just chock full of attitude. The guy who plays Malfini is played by a guy who’s last name is Ambrose. Sandra thinks this place is a dump and amateur hour. Malfini’s name is Don, so going with that. To see Don is fantastic. Jimmy is like the assistant to Don. Don wants her to really make love to her co-star. I wonder if there will be any real tits in this. JT is the black guy. And Sandra’s is now topless, and they aren’t real, but that’s the second pair. Some is looking at her through a door crack or wall. Our creeper has a pair of scissors. So the male porn dude stops by, and she wants to get him naked in order to fall in love. Aw, she’s never had a real orgasm. Time for the sex scene that lasted 10 seconds and Don is pumped. Don said it was beautiful.
We meet Junie, she has a nice ass and I think real tits. She is a fetish queen. Junie doesn’t work well with others and in comes Missy. Junie is a total bitch. Don demands that everybody act like a professional. Don has a fake mustache and goatee. The porn star guy, Michael, he just got killed. How? We may never know.
Junie is running around topless, and hers are fantastic, the third pair by the way. Don wants Missy to be the dominant one in the sex scene and Missy is afraid that Junie won’t like it. The music is so bad. Sandra looks for Michael, it appears that his throat is slashed. The masked killer comes up behind and takes off her head with an axe.
Don tells Missy that a midget will be involved, and Missy is just a suck-up. Missy is making out with Don. JT and other backstage guy did some stuff with Junie and now she is making them chase her. The midget arrives, and his name is Tiny. Fantastic. Junie just found a pipe that looked like a dildo I think. She starts smoking. Junie just got sledgehammered, but she is still alive. She is knocked out, and the guys want to nail her. Smart. Haha, they bring Junie to the bed, she wakes up and Tiny tells her that he is her biggest fan. Oh, the humor. Junie is mad that Missy is wearing a crown. Junie throws a hissy fit, Missy slaps her, and they make out. Delightful. Missy’s tits are fake, but the fourth pair. Yay. So the go for it, and now Tiny is involved!
Junie has to pee and the midget has a big black dildo. Missy is spanking the midget, and the killer barges into the bathroom. He pummels and kicks and stomps her to death. Alright. Don wants to get a piss shot with Missy. Yeah. Missy finds Junie in a chair and she is dead. The killer stabs her through the wall and JT films it. Dun dun dun.
Beretta shows up, she is an S & M black chick. Don tells Brute to come to play. Brute is the killer. Beretta talks shit to him while she is handcuffed. Brute sledgehammers her in the belly. Some rich dude paid Malfini to make a horror film basically. So Brute uses some nice looking knife to kill her in the belly, and he is pulling out her intestines. Haha, then we see a shot and there is no would from where he gutted her. Seriously, that happened.
We find out that the midget got killed. I think Malfini is a partner with the guy from the opening scene phone call. Halie brought Tina. Sweet. Don wants their cars towed away. Halie goes to the main set and Jimmy will direct Tina’s shoot. Tina pulls her pants down, shows Jimmy her fine ass. Jimmy then handcuffs her to a shelf, and he whispers that he’s sorry, and walks away. Brute attacks Jimmy. The sound editing on this is beyond fucking brutal. It’s incredibly uneven. Don tells JT and the other dude to go find Jimmy. They get their necks slightly turned, and I guess are dead. I just laughed a lot.
Halie makes fun of Don’s fake appearance. He tells her to get naked while he tracks the guys. The editor partner pulls a gun on Don. Halie then gets the gun and pulls it on both guys. She rips off his wig. Don’s name is really Patrick. Oh, the exits are blocked apparently, so now our survivors need to rescue Tina, as that was Brute’s payment. Well, the lights go out and the editor is missing. Jimmy is found dead, and he got his eyes gouged perhaps. Well, they finally find Tina’s hand and forearm at least. Halie is soo bad. Don gets killed via worst knife slash ever. Brute goes after Halie, but she hit him with a board, yes, a board. Halie gets a door open finally, and her car is gone obviously. Some dude in a car drives up on her, and she says that she needs help, and he is gonna take her to a hospital. I trust this guy. She claims that her ribs are broken, but never once holds her side.
Some dude tied up a nude girl and put her in a metal truck/case. That is the 5th pair of boobs. Halie hears some guy on the radio ask him if he had her, and he said affirmative.
End Film
Well, that was the worst edited film yet, so mad props for that guys. The sound was so uneven, it was amateur hour. It wasn’t intentional, this was very clearly fucked up, and made this already bad film even worse. I get that it’s a budget film, so I forgive how it looked. I can’t forgive the dreadful acting. The girls were there for eye candy, once again, I can forgive it to an extent, but I have legitimately seen better-acted porns. The double-neck twist was one of the worse things I have seen all year. The shots to Brute with the board was so bad, it was like watching a bad women’s wrestling match live where it’s blatant that they aren’t close to hitting each other. Finally, the kills were shit budget kills that they cheated the shots for cheap. Sorry guys, spend some money to hire somebody who can make the kills look better since Massacre is part of the title. Fuckwads.Bonus for having Shelly Martinez and a midget though.
Final rating: 2.5
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