This film got a 1.7 on IMDB. Holy fuck, this is going to be tremendous, for all of the wrong reasons. Ugh, it’s an hour and 56 minutes of fuckery. Am I the only person that sees a shitty movie listed on Netflix and assume it’s around 90 minutes long? They all seem to be. I am already regretting this decision.
3 minutes in and lots of people in the woods are getting killed, a lot via arrow. There was some bullshit voice over, but it was all bullshit. So these guys that remind of what crusaders look like in video games, they are fighting with the forest folk perhaps. Wait, is this meant to be a comedy? The dude playing Robin Hood doesn’t have the voice, and he just missed with his arrow shot. He and some chick are fighting off like 3 guys, The fighting…..it’s brutal. I think this is meant as a comedy, The audio, did they do voiceovers after they recorded this? I’m so confused. I think this blonde bitch is meant to be Maid Marian. Kane Hodder and Tom Savini are in this. Wow, what the hell? So Robin is trying to get her to go to his camp, and she’s all afraid of getting banged by dudes. Yeah, she looks “worried”. He leaves his bow on the ground and nods as if saying fuck it.
We are at camp with the merry men. The animal that they are cooking, did they pay more than $10 for that prop? OK, there a chubby guy named Will. Marian’s cousin is the sheriff of Nottingham. I wish I was watching the Disney animated Robin Hood right now. One of the 5 greatest Disney animated films in this guy’s opinion. Everybody drinks and has a good time at night. The next morning, let the hangovers commence. Why the fuck are so many people, how do I put this delicately…..uhmm…..tubby?If you are living out here like this as outlaws, there wouldn’t be too many thick folks. Marian isn’t even all that hot. One would prefer a hotter Marian with less talent if that’s possible. Friar Tuck looks like Hodor. Seriously, put this film on and get through 16 minutes and 15 seconds. Tell me how you feel after that. Friar gave her some drink to help the hangover. Robin “sent” some guys to go bury the slaughtered people.
HOLY FUCK….really? She is asking how they survive out here. He tells her that they found a vein of gold. I’m gonna eat a cup of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. This will be the best part of this blog. So I come across bad acting from time to time. And we all like to joke that we could do better. I’m not fucking kidding you when I say that I could do better. Marian is all pissed that Robin had the guys take the dead guy’s money. Marian is all pissed. He explains the whole giving to the poor thing, and she is just a raging bitch. I want Keith David to bend her over. She’s all bitchy because he is calling her rich because she lives in a castle, and she says she’s a prisoner in her castle. She is calling him out for stealing. Greed, blah blah blah, rich people, poor people, thieves.
IMDB is saying that this is a German film with English dubbing, which makes sense, but when does a German film get Kane and Tom? It’s like they filmed it in English, dubbed it in German, then dubbed it in English. Most of what they are saying matches their lips. Nobody has accents. I’ve seen better dubbing in Godzilla films.
SO back to the plot, everybody is drinking some potion, well Robin, Will, Marian and I don’t know what the fuck Friar is doing. They are entering Nottingham, I think. There was Tom Savini. He played Sex Machine in From Dusk Til Dawn and has been in so many great, and awful films. I’m confused, so here’s Marian. That’s not the same bitch from earlier…..is it? Am I really that messed up in the head? This girl has darker hair, and her face looks better. Robin and some dude are tying her up while the Sheriff is dealing with some nonsense outside in the marketplace thanks to Friar Tuck pulling a Leyland Gaunt of sorts outside. Somebody got that reference, I hope. Wait, the dude with Robin is supposedly Will. He doesn’t look the same. Am I high? Robin kisses her and they crawl back through the shitter drain. There’s lots of fighting in the marketplace. Robin gets the stolen stuff to Friar while him and Will are taken. I thought this was a horror flick. 41 minutes in, and nothing horror like other than Friar’s cardio. He didn’t get away. The guards surround him and he passes out.
Robin, Will, and Friar are being held captive while being tortured. Friar is killed by Sheriff’s henchman. That guy looks kinda badass. Will’s eye is swollen shut, and he just got his neck twisted, and he died. Robin is still being held captive. Ow, I just dropped my keyboard onto a testicle. It was a slight fall, but owww. The highest praise that I can give this is that the music isn’t awful. The guards are freeing Robin to take him somewhere. And off-screen, we hear lots of action, and Robin walks back with a sword, and that stupid thing is no longer around his neck. Now he is being all stealthy. And he makes a jump and he is running away. All the guards miss with arrows, but one guy nails Robin twice, and the sound effects, wow. Note to self, only watch 3.0 and higher. Some lady is giving Robin some stew, and she is healing him and used some potion. I want to know if she is attractive.
This witch has potions of strength and of protection. She could be mildly attractive. As soon as I praise the music, I regret that decision. So she is giving him a potion to heal, but she needs his permission. He gets 3 years of life and then his soul is relinquished. So his options are to take a chance on there being an afterlife or getting 3 years of life. She has potions of death and potions of life. Potion of the undead. So much potion talk. He wants the potion of the undead to resurrect Will and Friar. He can only do the potion if it is administered within 24 hours basically. SO she won’t give him the potion but will allow him to bring them back. Oh and a potion that will allow his greatest weakness in battle to be his biggest strength, which is the bow and arrow. OK. Now she is conjuring up some spell to make him the ultimate combatant. I wish I was watching porn. Go ahead, stop reading this, watch some porn, then come back. She gives him a bow and arrow and then makes him smell better.
57 minutes in, and holy fuck. Robin is now long-distance sniping guards. He’s killed 4 so far. Robin carrying one dead guy on each shoulder. Like a boss. Robin knocked out this dude and this chick who was walking. He whooped her ass. Robin is now fighting some hoss. What the fuck? The cuts/edits, fuck me, that was rough. OK, so Robin brings the bodies back to the witch. She acknowledges that they haven’t been dead for more than one passing of the sun. The guys start screaming at night as they reanimate. And Robin didn’t boink that witch. What the fuck? Friar is pissed that Robin brought him back from the dead as he was in heaven. Oh boy, heaven and hell talk. “So how would you describe?” asked Will. Friar responds with “Heavenly”. For fuck’s sake. “What a nice man that God is.” says Will. The dialogue…..fucking hell. There’s a blonde bitch. I don’t know who other girl was earlier. I miss the brunette.
Oh helllll no. A ballad is playing while we get a romance montage of Robin and Marian. The ballad is a male and female duet. In my head I singing Bryan Adams. Everything I doooo, I do it for Pikachuuuuu, I mean you. He admits to her that he can’t grow old with her, and she is all needy and blah blah blah. Hahaha, he is telling his story and she said: “go on”. He tells her that he sold his soul to the devil. Now she is all pissed off because he didn’t tell her before she fell in love with him. Fucking greedy whoooooore. This dude is going to hell, and you are gonna be pissy and selfish? Yup. Boy, I can sadly think of a few women I know who would make it all about them. She forces him to bring her to the witch for some bargaining. Marian calls her a hag and still expects her to help. Idiot. Hahaha, she calls her the Devil’s whore. Oh, that was followed up with the ugly stare and point. WItch wants Marian’s soul, so that solves nothing. Witch just said Go On as well. WHAT? So the proposition is to steal enough treasure to buy 100 souls. I think if you just offered her like 2 or 3, she still makes out. My head hurts.
The guy who directed this has done 10+ films. HOW? The guards are capturing the merry men, and lining them up on their knees…to slit their throats. Wow, totally massacred the whole group. Robin shows him, BUT Friar says at the last second, that it’s a trap. Friar gets beheaded, Robin takes 2-3 arrows. The guards set fire to the village. Robin should be fine though, right?
KANE HODDER sneaks up on Marian as she kneels by Robin’s body. This guy played Jason Voorhees 4 times and has been in countless other horror flicks. I love this man. She is gonna lead Little John to the witch’s place. Marian is so rude to the witch. The witch freezes Marian with a green aura, so Litte John decapitates the witch. Wow. They got the undead potions and are going to resurrect the dead. Shit, with 30 minutes to go, this makes sense.2 guys are robbing the camp of the gold, trying to pick a fight with Kane Hodder. And he lets them go? Why Kane, why? Man, everybody is going to be screaming in pain when they wake up.
OK, so they wake up and aren’t quite right. They are like zombies, presumably because it went longer than 24 hours. The zombies go off into the woods and find the 2 thieves. And the zombies get their gold back. Kane acknowledges that they unleashed a horrible thing onto the world. The question, do him and Marian take on the zombies, or just bail? Kane suggests that they do at least have had 2 bags of magic. Kane takes a potion that makes his skin tough as a rock, which is better than chewable. Hahaha, Robin shot Kane, but the arrows broke. Oh my. Kane and Marian find a camp of like 5 people, and they warn them about the creatures coming, but they just get insulted, they Kane and Marian say fuck it. And the zombies come to eat these fools.
They are pouring explosive potion on rocks and launching them at the zombies while yelling “Sipzozzo”. I have no idea. Why am I watching this? My life is truly fucking pathetic. Now they want to try a trap potion. THE FUCK just happened. She just said that the monsters couldn’t leave the forest and she became a wizard with blue beans coming out of her hand. Kane is launching the rocks as they found some chick who is tied to a tree. Marian gives them some potion and she still gets killed. Wow.
There’s a rocket potion. Kane asks what a rocket is and she explains that the Chinese use it in war, and he asks what are Chinese. Suddenly from out of the sky comes some explosions. Wow, this is where the whole budget was spent. The zombies can’t get beyond 5 forcefield that keeps them in the forest. Kane says that they can’t keep using potions because he’ll be regarded as a great wizard, and she will get executed because she’s a girl. Hahaha, math issues now. OK, so there’s the explanation. She took some potion to change her appearance. That explains my issues. She is way better looking as a brunette. Kane said he used to be an ugly dude but the potion was worth it. She takes it and already looks 10 times hotter. Amazing how her hair changes so much.
They find the Sheriff on the path with some guards. The sheriff just asked Kane if he was a coward. Awesome. I still have no clue what they are trying to accomplish. The sheriff hears some screams, says to a guard “Did you hear that?” and that’s it???? What?
Oh, nope, some girl is in the stocks. Haha, Kane has taken over as the Sheriff. This lady is accused of being a witch. Marian put him in charge as Sheriff. So Kane doesn’t believe her so he goes to drop some potion on her, and she flips out. He wants her assistance. He wants help with the undead. He wants to ensure that they don’t get free from the forest. The witch claims to simply be a novice. She agrees to help, and he mocks her saying that the vial just had water. Kane sends some guys out to drop off a package in the forest I think and the witch used potions on the guys. Marian’s last words were: “Like the ghosts of Sherwood forest.” Fuck me.
End film.
Wow, what an epic journey of awfulness. This is where I try to find something positive to say. And thinking. Some of the music was pretty decent. When Marian was a brunette, you’d consider doing her. Kane Hodder had a huge role in the last act. Tom Savina had very tiny appearances, but he still existed. That’s all I have unless you want the it’s so bad, it’s good crap, but I’m not going to. It artificially inflates scores.
The bad was very bad. Robin Hood was just awful. The acting was some of the worst, actually, it was the worst acting I have seen in months, and at least since the Children of the Corn later sequels. Yeah, it was probably worse. That’s rare air. The dubbing was soooo fucking awful. One hour and 56 minutes, for what? No reason that story couldn’t have been told in 80-90 minutes, and that really pisses me off. Don’t waste your audience’s time if it goes nowhere or could be more efficient.
Finally, if I had the choice, I’d watch Ouija over this. I gave Ouija a 2.7. And if I had the choice, it’s not like I have to sit there and weigh the pros and cons, it’s an instant decision. I give this film a 2.0. That has to be one of the lowest ratings I have given a film yet. It was that fucking bad.
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