This movie starts off with a bitch yelling help me. Then The Ruins. OK, so now we get to the plot really fast, 4 college age kids are vacationing in Mexico. Is it 4? I can’t tell. It’s 4 plus Mathias, who is some dude who wants to hang out with these fuck heads. We have Shawn Ashmore (Iceman in XMen), John Tucker (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Masters of Horror, Pulse), Mathias is German, there you go. Jena Malone is from Sucker Punch, and Laura Ramsey from No One Lives and the Covenent. The dude playing Mathias has been in The Crazies, Across the Universe, The Grey, and much much more.
On the beach, one of the dudes went to bed, so his whore of a woman start hitting on Mathias. And there she is in her panties. I still dislike her. Oh, she doesn’t wanna go, but her bf is insistent they do something fun. One of the girls is taking picture of poor kids on the streets. Rest assured this dumb bitch will Ruin stuff later. See what I did there? OK, so the dudes convince some mexican dude in a pick up to drive them. This seems reasonable, he’s a taxi according to the word taxi written on the side. Now they hike, and hike, and fuck that, why didn’t they want to stay at the hotel again?
Wait wait wait, hold up, just noticed something. The dude playing Mathias was like the main dude in the TV series The River which was pretty damn awesome, but never got a second season. Let’s face it, even if you found it dumb, it was better than most TV shows, especially on ABC. Fucking amateurs. Moving right along.
So they’re wandering the jungles, talking about Myans. So dude comes up riding a horse, and so they try offering him money. Stupid bitch takes a picture with the camera. They get even more pissed. So the guys are trying to make peace, and the stupid bitch takes another picture. This causes the one tour guy they have to get an arrow in the chest and a bullet in his dome. Stupid bitch, god damn. So now they run up to the top of this ruin temple thing and they are surrounded by natives. Oh now it’s time for them to want to use a phone, BUT they don’t work. Rabble rabble rabble. Mathias finds Heinrich, and he got got by the plants.
They are realizing they aren’t getting past the mob. Talk about rationing water. They hear a phone, and it is down in the hole at the top of the RUINS. So they lower Mathias down, maybe 10 feet down, the rop snaps. Sigh. My favorite character is down there. They decide to lower one of the girls.. Dumb bitch volunteers, good. Oh wait, nope blondie goes instead. The girls actually ask why one of them as to go. The guys are handling the crank. STUPID! And down she goes….on me, I mean down the hole. She sees Mathias, so they ask her to jump. How fucking dumb. So now she falls, she cuts her knee. Wow, just wow. OK, so now they decide that they need to lower dumb bitch with the the tent and a way to get Mathias.
Dumb bitch decides to go down and try to reason with these guys. STUPID! She causes more panic.. She gets frustrated, throws some weeds or plantation at this little boy. Suddenly the crowd focuses on little boy and they insist he goes up in the RUINS. The little and head hoss shoots the boy in the dome. Yikes. Well now dumb bitch will listen to the guys and they have built a rudimentary stretcher. They lower her down with it. Now the girls have to try to move poor Mathias up and on this stretcher. The bitches pick him up and damn near kill him, but they get him up. OK, good. Bout time something positive happened for them. Everybody is up top, now they wanna try to medicate poor Mathias. I feel terrible for this dude.
They find DiMetri’s plane ticket and he was supposed to depart early next morning, so the theory is that when he doesn’t show, his friends will go looking for him. Yeah…..good plan, and in that situation, I am sure you force yourself to believe in anything remotely optimistic, right Kelly? It’s time for sleep, and they leave dumb bitch without a blanket. GOOD. And morning.
Main dude taking a piss. They never show a dude taking a piss unless something important is gonna happen. Well, he does discover a dead body and a watch. OK, so my theory was dumb and wrong, just…. like….. your…. face. I am childish. Blondie has some plants growing on her leg wound. Mathias freaks out, wants to see his legs. His legs are covered in vines and plant shit. His legs look fucking rough.
They lower the girls down with some makeshift torches, time to have them do some exploring. Novel idea. About halfway through this movie now. Yeah, sorry.
OK, they go exploring, this is like watching The Descent now. I am just cheering on both to die at this point, but they gotta keep one girl alive, it’s how it must always be. Usually it comes down you one girl, one dude, and sometimes another person, often a guy. If it’s 3, usually only 2 make it out. Sometimes with 2, both make it out, or guy gets sacrificed for girl, and I get the whole chivalry thing, I truly do. But if it’s your life or a dumbass who got you fucked over to begin with……bitch has gotta go. Now they see faces coming out of the wall and the plantation is coming alive and climbing up the hole. The guys get the girls out alive. Now they are debating who is gonna go for help. The other dude, Eric, says he will go for it. Lead guy just said “It just doesn’t happen. 4 Americans don’t just go out on a vacation and don’t get rescued.” Well America, fuck yeah.
Mathias is fucked. OK, rationing out bread and water. Down to only getting one swallow apiece. Main dude gives Mathias some water. he decides that Mathias needs to get his legs cut off or else he will die from infection, Main guy’s name is Jeff. Eric is anti the idea of cutting legs off. He already has no feeling below his waste and his legs are tourniquet They vote, Jeff, blondie, and Mathias vote yes, so they do it. The girls go in the tent while the guys do the bullshit work. They break his legs first and then cut it off with a hunting knife, and then cauterize the wound. The bitches are complaining now. Really? Really? The plants creep off with his cut off legs. Re-read that last sentence, it may help.
Over 2/3 done. Blondie is now accusing Eric of fucking stupid bitch. Stacey is blondie. She is hallucinating like crazy. Poor Mathias is getting a vine down his throat while the bitches argue. And Mathias got got because of stupid bitches. This movie should be called The RUINS and the dumb bitches who cause stupid shit. Yeah, that title works MUCH better.
Blondie is flipping out. The plants are making weird noises like little kids chanting, I dunno how to describe it. The guys down below are salting the earth. Blondie has vines growing in her. They have to open up her leg and rip it out. Blondie is flipping out, but so would I be. Now cutting into her back. So much awfulness. I almost feel bad for her, but poor Mathias, he’s dead mainly because of her. She got cut up bad though. She shouldn’t survive this in my opinion. There’s more vines that she is feeling and she wants to keep cutting.
More hallucinating by blondie. Everybody comes out to see her having mutilated the hell out of herself, cutting a ton. Jeff tries getting the knife away, she slices his hand. Eric tries and she turns around stabs him in the chest in one fell swoop. Good job blondie. The vines are taking Eric away. Blondie keeps begging to be killed. Jeff grabs the knife. Blondie got killed apparently. Now Jeff and STUPID bitch are plotting how to escape. He tells her to start running and not stop, and he’s gonna try to distract. This is such a bad idea.
He brings her body down as if she was dead. This is to trick the natives that she’s dead, he’ll run the diversion, and then she’ll haul ass and be an idiot because that’s what happens in horror flicks. Yup, he just got arrowed to death. Dumb bitch is a running. Jeff, very disappointed in you doing the nice guy thing. She hears the gun shot and she is now falling and tripping. yup, here we go. She gets in a jeep, drives off. And we see a vine up near her eye. Next we see 2 dudes looking for Dimetri. End movie.
This song during the credits is borderline obnoxious and catchy. Ben Still was an executive producer. Hmm. Anyway, you want a score if you have made it this far. I have seen this 3 times, and it really isn’t THAT great. I’ll go 5.5 as I enjoyed it more than I hated it, but the STUPID bitch really RUIN’d this otherwise decent flick. Congratulations if you made it this far.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- DreamWorks (presents) (as DreamWorks Pictures)
- Spyglass Entertainment (presents)
- Red Hour Films (as Red Hour)
- Internationale Filmproduktion Prometheus (in association with)
- BenderSpink (uncredited)
- Pacific Film and Television Commission (produced with assistance from)
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