This got a 5.9 and is one of those 80’s slashers I never got around to watching. Sounds like a good way to wrap up my evening. And better yet, this will put me back on pace to only have to watch 3 horror films a night the rest of the month to reach the coveted 100. And that means if I can push myself, that gives me more time to do a few other fun ventures that I have wanted to do.
So we have a family visiting Grandpa at the Utah Mental Facility. There’s mom Ellie, dad Jim, young Billy, and the baby, Grandpa says that Santa punishes all the people who have been bad. This is like how Santa is portrayed on Futurama. Well, Billy decides that he is not going to be naughty. Haha, Billy is pretty damn funny. He is one of those gullible little kids.
At a convenience store, this guy dressed as Santa holds it up and gets a whopping $31 and he killed the clerk. Here’s what gets me, the clerk took so long aiming his gun and got shot 2 more times. I mean dude, just start blindly firing if it buys you time.
Well, there’s Santa on the side of the road. The family stops much to Billy’s chagrin. Dad gets shot. Then he pulls mom out, rips her top open, exposes her tits, and slits her throat. The baby is crying and Billy ran off hiding and witnessed everything. He’ll be slightly traumatized. She had a nice rack, I’ll give her that.
Fast forward some years and Billy is now in some Saint Mary orphanage run by nuns. Mother Superior is pissed, wants his nonsense to be done. This one nun seems like a nice person, she wants Billy to get help because believe it or not, he acts up around Christmas every year. Gee, I wonder why, but Mother Superior is a jackass. Billy’s outfit, white boots, light blue jeans, a brown plaid shirt, a brown corduroy with fleece lining. And Billy hears people having sex, and we have another boob. This was quite unexpected to have boobs in this. I’m not upset at all. Mother Superior is superfly pissed. Mother Superior is trying to make it clear to Billy that punishment is good, and he gets the belt for…..witnessing 2 people having sex. Oh, for leaving his room per Raylene. I miss things when I am typing in my own world.
Billy has a nightmare about his daddy getting killed, so he exits his room. Mother Superior ties him to the bedpost. She is a tough old bitch. Mother Superior, or MS for short, is hellbent on making Billy sit on Santa’s lap and behave. Oh man. Billy just punched Santa off his seat. Damn. Billy, you’re gonna get fucked up by MS. And then 10 years elapse.
So older Billy has really light-colored hair now. I am thinking he’s supposed to be 18ish. This is straight out of a Family Guy parody, really awful music, his boss observes him and smiles and shakes his head up and down in happiness. SO he is working at a toy store. I just saw this Star Wars Jabba the Hutt playset and I totally owned that. You could make the trap below Jabba open. It was fucking awesome.
I see Smurfs too. I don’t know if I’m coming off ancient here. Ohhhh, there’s Billy’s hairy ass. He is with a chick. We just saw bush, and there’s boob, so we are at 3, but at what cost? I am so glad I am a bald freak with alopecia. At least I don’t have a hairy ass or hairy back, or just hair by and large with minuscule exceptions. Go team alopecia. Billy’s boss asks Billy to dress as Santa. He is threatening kids that he will punish them if they are naughty, but it sounded almost creepy pedophile style. Maybe A Serbian Film tainted me today.
I just saw He-Man and Mr. Potato Head as well. I am still a child at heart and am terrible to go into a Toys R Us with money. I can’t help it. I have no shame in saying I am still tempted to buy wrestling figurines. Suddenly the film quality downgraded on my copy. Now it’s back to normal. It was 15 seconds of lesser quality. There’s Mouse Trap. Some costumes as well, Superman, Batman, GI Joe, Mickey Mouse. The toys are making this infinitely more enjoyable than it should be. This coworker was making out with this chick and ripped her top off and well, we have boobs #4. Holy fuck, Billy just snapped. He wrapped Christmas lights around the dude’s throat and then pick him up and like lynched him with one hand, and the dude was close to a foot off the ground. Oh, the girl has to be punished too, so she gets cut open.
Now the owner is investigating the raucous. The owner is tanked, talking to himself. Billy brandishes a hammer, think Tyreese in Walking Dead, and it is Hammer Time. Billy is 2 legit 2 quit, hey hey. Now, where are the parachute pants? There is one lady left. Oh, a Kermit the Frog figurine. Wait a second. Billy just grabbed a bow and arrow and shot this lady, perfectly in the spine. When the fuck did Billy become a cross between Daryl Dixon and Robin Hood. I can’t complain, I am laughing a lot.
2 people are making out on a pool table. At my buddy’s bachelor party, we hired 2 strippers. I got the last dance on top of a pool table, the gentlemen were borderline jealous for having not thought of a pool table for a sweet ass lap dance. Good time. Groin grabbingly good time! Oh, sweet tits #5, those are nice, perky. Ewwww, she got the very visible rib cage going on. Now listen, I know some women cannot gain weight, and this is not meant to be offensive to you, it’s no different than a dude can’t control the size of his wang. But I gotta tell you, I prefer when a girl sits up, that I see no rib cage, it’s a weird turn off a lot of the time. That’s just me, so thickness is cool. Her hair and shorts were both abysmal. She goes to let the cat in topless, and Billy kills her, by impaling her on a mounted deer head’s antlers. Sweet. Well her lover came upstairs to find her. And Billy is ready to throw down. That dude got tossed the fuck out the window in a bloody good show. Bravo Billy.
The little girl looked like she may be a victim, but when asked if she had been naughty of nice, she chose nice. These 2 cops are out patrolling and see Santa climbing in a window, so they break into this lady’s house, no knocking, and pull a gun on Santa, who happens to be her husband. This was not Billy.
2 teens are about to go sledding in the middle of the night, and 2 old teens or young adults pick on the 2 guys, one calls the other fuckface, which is a favorite term of mine. Bet you they will be deemed naughty. One slid down. The next one found Billy and his axe and got decapitated. And there goes the head rolling.
Billy has made it to the orphanage. A cop sees him approaching the kids, and the cop just opens fire and shoots up Santa in front of like 20 kids. I call bullshit that a cop would open fire when so many kids are right there. Annnnnd it wasn’t Billy. Wow, good job copper.
By the way, something that can’t get overlooked is how many awful original Christmas songs are in the movie, at least they are songs I’ve never heard of. Well, a cop just got killed, axe to the gut.
Some kid just let Bill into the orphanage, and there’s MS. The kids are pumped to see Santa. MS is terrified. Billy brings his axe up. We have slow-motion video. He’s almost there, and then he gets shot. Damnit, MD deserved to die for never getting him the help he so desperately needed. billy’s death seen. It was William Shatner-esque. A nun is wearing a wedding ring. And one kid is traumatized and said “Naughty”. And end film.
In conclusion, this was just fun 80’s slasher bullshit. I’m not here to say it is a masterpiece, but for what it was, I was having a ton of fun. I may get more enjoyment out of this stuff than you. I wish horror movies was just as likely to show lots of booty, as I am an ass man, but 5 boobs is still quality to me and helps the breast cause. I would recommend this to people who like 80’s slashers with some poor acting, but fun, silly plot. It’s definitely not for everyone.
Final Rating: 5.6
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