Sadly The Who’s song has no place in this fabulous movie. This movie is not good. It is so bad though, it is fabulous. Everything you have loved in 80’s camp slashers end up here. By this point, you should know who the killer is. If not, stop reading this blog if you care. Eh, you don’t care.
The killer, Angela is back. The movie starts off with this 80’s chick who had an adequate ass, but she gets up, removes her shirt, and has these A cup titties that are tattoo’d Milk Shake. Those are not bringing al the boys to the yard. She is due to go to camp. She leaves her apartment and is chased down by a dump truck and killed. Right in the middle of the city. She gets run over by you know who. Wow, they were not fucking around with this opening. Somehow Angela has the same outfit as Maria. This beginning is epic for all of it’s awfulness! Oh and there is a wall with spray paint saying Angela is back. I have a bad feeling this is gonna be a long blog, but it gets me giddy. Alright, some generic heavy metal music!!
Now we find out this old couple is running a camp. Some news reporter lady is interviewing everybody. This is such an easy way to introduce your whole cast quickly, and that should not be overlooked in it’s simplicity. The old couple is priceless, especially the dude, Herman. More on him in a bit as he is my favorite character.
It is a mixture of upper class teens and lower class teens. Oh my god, they said fuck it, let’s stereotype the fuck out of this movie. Let’s meet the rich kids first. Cindy is from Georgia, she is well dressed and very prissy. Next is Greg Nakashima, he is a fun loving, Hawiian shirt wearing Asian, and he likes explosives if I remember correctly and he is from Cali. Jen Hernandez, white chick, dirty blonde, nice rack, from Arizona. We see her tits later I do believe. Peter Doyle from Texas is a doofy black guy, or as Cypress Hill may call him, a “happy face nigga”. Uh oh, I just may have offended my black audience, and Russ. Bobby Stark from Illinois, he is clearly a football jock who is all proud of his high school. He is a fuckin idiot. Lastly Marcia Holland from Ohio, she is the nice girl in this movie. You know what I mean by the nice girl, so you know she is lasting.
Next we meet the lower class poor kids. Oh my. We start off with an Asian bad ass chick named Arab from San Francisco. She confuses me. The reporter asks is she has a last name to which Arab says “NO, do I need one?” Next is Snow Boy from Chicago, a giggling dumb fuck who may or may not be doing drugs. He may be the one that likes to explode things. Damn memory. Anita Birchum from Kentucky is a non descript black chick. You know her role is gonna be small as she has no defining qualities. Riff from Detroit is a black guy, backwards hat from Detroit with a big ass silver boombox!!! SO happy. But it ain’t over yet, next is Tony Darara from East LA, jean jacket, red bandana around his neck, thinking about how he could land a role as token Mayan in Sons of Anarchy. And of course Maria, well technically Angela playing the role of Maria, from NYC.
Marcia’s panties are wet for Tony. Cindy points out that he is Mexican and that’s a bad thing. Fantastic. Lily, the camp owner is pissed that the reporter brought up the murders in the interview. The reporter is gonna try scoring cocaine from Maria, I mean Angela. Angela is gonna get her some, and by that, she is gonna give her some cleaning products instead. Reporter says “Really good stuff” and Angela says “It’ll really clean your pipes.” This is the shit i love about this movie. I am trying so hard not to do a running blog. Reporter drives away and tries the cocaine, and she dead. Awesome. Peter Doyle is the one with the firecrackers. Damn, I was wrong twice.
Now they are having a big meeting, Marcia sits with Tony, she’s moist. Bobby Stark just got told off by Arab, then tries to sit next to Riff and Riff pulls out a switchblade. Ahhhh, the 80’s. Bobby is flirting with Angela. While talking with her he says “So you’re underprivileged huh?”. Lily yelling at Riff to turn off his generic bad ass boombox. They are gonna split up into 3 groups. One with Lily, one with Herman, one with Barney. Herman is showing off his belt to Jen Hernandez, the whore with the rack. Snow boy inquires if the boys can sleep with the girls. Lily asks if anybody knows “I’m a happy camper” song. I just fist pumped. Barney just showed up. He’s a cop. Riff then burps a lot after the announcement Barney is a cop. Tony asks if he has a problem. Riff says “Suck my dick spick”. Riff pulls a knife. Wonderful.
This is where I have to stop doing play by play or else this will be longer than the Ring.
The girls are getting ready, Cindy is is a bra. Out comes Jen with no bra. Arab takes off her shirt, no bra. So far, 2 nice sets of tits. Asian girl made fun of black girl. Cindy says that she paid $3000 for this trip. Really? Oh and they are making fun of Angela baker, the killer. Let’s break up into groups. Lily has Arab, Cindy, Bobby, and Riff….fantastic. Herman has Peter, Jen, Angela, and Snow Boy. that leaves Barney with Tony, Marcia, Anita, and Greg. Lily has the funniest mixture I would think. Barney’s is totally non offensive. We find out that Barney’s son was murdered last year. Well if you watched part 2, you’d know who his son was.
Herman asks where Angela learned to chop wood. She tells him she’s never chopped wood, but chopped other things. Herman’s voice is awesome, and he calls Jen Sweet Pea. I can mimic his voice. I love him so much. Snow Boy does lots of graffiti. Haha, Angela is fishing and pulls up a Jason hockey mask. Herman is in a tent nuzzling with topless Jen. Jen has a great personality. She is unbuckling Herman’s belt. Angela creeps up on them. Herman comes out and Angela beats him with a stick then impales him. Sugartits comes out and gets hit upside the head and dead. Angela says it’s a good thing she’s dead because in a few years, her breasts would be sagging. Peter pisses off Angela, and SnowBoy spray pains Angela’s tent. A firecracker goes off, and Snow Boy yells “Party all night, teenage wasteland”…..thats the name of the movie. I see what they did there.
Now back to Barney’s group. Marcia has to go to the bathroom and is escorted by Tony. now they just ate, and she may have to shit, and you are gonna send a dude with her Barney? C’mon. On their way, they hear a noise. It is a coon I think. Angela has exploded Peter’s face with a firecracker and cranked Snow Boy in the dome. Her group is dead. That’s a shame, they were the best. We still have Riff though!
The next day, we’re at Lily’s group. Riff is cranking his music and jamming out. Along comes Angela. She tells Lily that she is supposed to switch with Arab. She’s pissed. She walks Arab back to the site, and……axe to the neck. 6 down. Lily is going over astrological signs. They ask Bobby what his favorite movie is and he says “Something that makes America look great like Rambo 3”. Riff likes movies with Tits and blood. cindy bitches about his rap tapes and he tells her it’s better than that country shit. Riff flips on Cindy.
Back to Barney’s group, black girl asks Barney whatever happened to Angela Baker, he said she was never caught. Tony asks Barney what he’d do if he ever met her, and Barney says “I’d kill her”. Good cop. Back to Lily. They are gonna do a blindfold trust exercise. Bobby says to Riff “I guess we’ll be partners” and Riff yells at him. Cindy just said “That nigger would have killed me and he would have bragged to his homebody how he killed a white girl”. Yup. Cindy is pissing off Angela while Angela is blindfolded. Time to switch roles. Angela asks Cindy if she is a cheerleader, a virgin, and if she does drugs. Of course Cindy does. Angela attaches her to a flagpole. And up goes Cindy. Angela’s hands would be burned to shit with that small of a rope. And down goes Cindy somehow head first. Don’t ask, cause I won’t tell. Lily says “Where’s Cindy?” and Angela says “She’s at the main camp, she has a headache.” Classic! Awww, Angela just found out her cabin from part 2 was tore down. Angela is back at the main camp having flashbacks. Yes, they’re singing “I’m a happy camper” in the flashback!!!!! By the way, Angela is being played by Bruce Springsteen’s sister Pamela.
Another trust exercise at Lily’s camp. Her and Bobby are tied at the end and leg. They gotta go fishing and catch dinner. Bobby is flirting with Angela. Bobby likes being tied up with her. He goes in for the kiss, good for him being a player. Lily asks Riff to clean the fish, he says “Ugh, fuck that shit”. Riff then ignores Angela like an awesome douche, then pulls a gun on Angela. She gets up and tells Bobby to clean the fish. Marcia and Tony talk, he mentions low riders and they make out. She gives him a condom. Angela blindfolds Lily back to the main camp. She pushes her back into a pit of garbage. Lily is flipping and she is getting buried up to her neck. Only her head sticks Angela starts up the lawnmower and Lillyis dead. Angela tied Bobby to a tree. She attached the rope to the jeep. You know what happens next, Only Riff remains in Lily’s group. He’s looking at black girl porn mags.angela has everone tied up.
With that, I leave the ending to you. I give this movie a 6.9 I’ll be honest, I am tired.
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