Okay, a quick moment of honesty. I don’t like this movie. I do believe that it is the worst Star Wars film that I have seen (I haven’t seen Solo yet). This movie is incredibly boring to me. I’m going to give it props when it deserves it, but if you like this movie, this may not be the review for you.
As for the cast, we lose some big names and gain some big names. So we lose Liam Neeson, Keira Knightley (who was too bored and nodded off during production and went on to do so many big movies like….aside from this, Love Actually may be her second-best film because fuck pirates!!), Dominic West, Ray Park, and Jake Lloyd (Anakin). Don’t look at Jake Lloyd’s IMDB page because it may make you sad. On the plus side, Episode II brings us Christopher Lee, Hayden Christiansen, Jimmy Smits, and Rose Byrne. From a star power perspective, let’s say that Jake and Hayden cancel each other out. Rose is better than Keira, but Liam is more popular than Lee. So you have to ask yourself, do you prefer Jimmy Smits or the combination of Dominic West and Ray Park? I go with Smits on that, but it’s close. By now, Portman is of legal age and that is a bonus for me on commentary. Mace Windu and Yoda play bigger roles here too.
On paper, Episode II should be better. It’s been close to 10 years since I last watched this. And I am coming in with an open mind and trying to see things more positively. Maybe I will like it better. If you’re watching this film, make sure to pour yourself half a shot for every time the term Senate is used and 2 sips of beer every time the term Senator is used. There, I just made this film more fun.
Start Film
Ha, the first sentence has the word Senate. Take your half shot. The third paragraph has Senator. Oh and the word Senate again. So full shot and 3 sips of beer and we are rolling! I have no idea what the hell that said.
Hahaha, immediately Padme’s ship blows up after a guard says that there was no danger. My god, so much drinking already. Real question, how come so many people in other planets and galaxies speak English, but they still throw in other languages as well? Most likely, none of these races would speak English, which is fine. It is so illogical. Palpatine doesn’t want this to go to war, and the Jedi Council wants peace and they are not soldiers of war.
Padme is blaming Count Dooku for the attack. In films, how often is a Count the good guy vs how many times is he the villain? Think about that. Smits looks great. Palpatine wants Obi-Wan to be a protector for Padme. Okay, Obi-Wan’s hair is much better now that he has grown it out some. Anakin’s on the other hand….not so much. Oh and our old friend Jar Jar greets them. Padme and Anakin immediately start flirting. Anakin is calling out Obi-Wan in front of the others. Obi-Wan should have shaved Anakin’s head to prove a point and make him bald. This teenage love and angst or whatever else you want to call it is already annoying me.
Zam is the one who tried to assassinate Padme. Her boss, a potentially familiar-looking bounty hunter gives her some poison and tells her that she can’t fail this time.
Anakin is upset that Padme covered up the cameras while she sleeps so he can’t spy on her. Alright, I see ya playa. You’re trying. Man, Anakin is a mouthy fucker. Anakin isn’t sleeping well due to dreams about his mom. Anakin really wants to nail Padme. Is this Saved By the Bell? Oh, Zam has unleashed these poisonous bugs into Padme’s room and R2 is suspicious, but they blend in. Meanwhile, the 2 Jedi are blathering on about politics. Suddenly they both sense shit happening.
Hold up. Anakin comes in and slices the centipede things with no light and super fast. That seems farfetched. But Obi-Wan is like: “Oh yeah, hold my beer”. He leaps out the window like 10-15 feet, grabs this floating robot thing and holds on it as it flies. He has no idea if the thing can even hold his weight. He’s clearly super high in the air, and he’s just cool with that. This movie frustrates me. Anakin gets into some hovercar to chase down Obi-Wan. Zam uses her sniper gun and shoots the robot so now Obi-Wan is free-falling, cue Tom Petty, and Anakin liable to get underneath him and catch him.
I think they made this into a scene in Lego Star Wars. I like that game. At this point, are we supposed to like Anakin still? Then Anakin takes a shortcut trying to catch up with Zam. Obi gives him the business and then Anakin is like, excuse me for a moment and jumps a couple hundred feet and lands on Zam’s vehicle. Sigh. I get that he’s trying to be a hotshot, but then he drops his lightsaber and Obi happens to catch it. For fuck’s sake. Zam’s vehicle is down. The chase is on.
This club that they’re in, it’s not bad. All of that and then Obi is like, you go find the assassin. This gives time for Obi to do mind tricks to get a person to stop smoking. The fuck? You just did this death-defying fucking chase, and then be all cool about it? And people want to tell me that this is better than Episode 1? Think about how dumb that is.
Zam creeps up on Obi but he senses it and catches her. Then they interrogate her. They ask her who hired her and then she is shot by the bounty hunter and she says “Wee shahnit sleemo”. Is that a name or gibberish? I feel that bounty hunter could have easily taken out Anakin right then with no problem.
The Jedi Council wants Obi to track down the bounty hunter and for Anakin to stay with Padme and protect her and escort her. Mace wants Anakin to talk with Palpatine. Good decision Mace. Palpatine talks Anakin up and he is so good at it.
Padme is leaving Jar Jar in her place on the senate. Fine decision-making. Padme notices how Anakin has matured and he comments that Obi doesn’t see it that way. Christ, he is whiny. Padme, how are you not turned off by this guy? Haha, she told him that his looks make her uncomfortable. #MeToo
Padme is leaving Dorme with Captain. Wait, who the fuck is Dorme? I know it’s Rose Byrne, but who the fuck is this character? I looked her up. She’s just another handmaiden. I find it interesting at how basic their suitcases look. I guess I expected something different. Anakin and Padme have R2 with them at least.
Obi visit his old buddy Dex at a diner. I like the design of the place. Dex says thee dart was from Kamino and clones and I’ve lost interest already. Obi pays a visit to his local library but can’t find Kamino on the map. Hahaha, robots telling R2 “No droids” is kinda funny. Romantic scene incoming. Obi visits the Jedi training center where Yoda is training the Younglings. Yoda cracking jokes at Obi’s expense is delightful. Yoka is like, how can there be no planet and a kid is like, because someone erased the data. This may be my favorite scene of this film.
So Padme isn’t a queen, just a senator and is happy to no longer be queen. Hell, I didn’t even realize that she was no longer queen. I’ve been more concerned about seeing Jimmy Smit, and you can’t fault me on that.
Get your drinking glasses ready. Nute is still the Viceroy, I guess. More politics. Haha, Padme just put Anakin in his place. And this is why you never offer full praise to a child. Always make sure to let them know that they did okay but you’re disappointed in just okay so they constantly have a chip on their shoulder and learn to hate you so they can be better than you. That’s how you parent!
The Prime Minister is waiting for Obi, and that comes as a surprise. Lama Su is the name of the Prime Minister. Lama Su reveals that they are on schedule with 200,000 units ready and a million more on the way. He also wants it relayed to Master Sifo-Dyas. Well, Sif-Dyas was killed almost 10 years ago, and we have a case of uh-oh. This is a clone army that is made for the Republic. These Kamodians are neat looking.
More Padme and Anakin. We learn that Anakin doesn’t like sand but like soft and smooth, like Padme. That was smooth. And they kiss and nobody cares. Clones are obedient and growing at double speed. The original host was a bounty hunter named Jango Fett. Bout fucking time. Fett has demanded an unaltered clone for himself. Oh, now Anakin and Padme are in a beautiful field. Anakin wants to make everyone in the Senate agree, like a dictatorship. Have I mentioned that this is my least favorite Star Wars film yet? Now they roll around on the ground. Fuck me.
So far we have had a really stupid chase scene, a lot of romance, too much talk of cloning, WAY too much political chatter, and the cool scene with Yoda. And there are some people that will tell you that this is better than Episode I. Unfuckingbelievable.
Ohhh shit, there’s young Boba Fett!!!! Okay, a small bit of redemption. Obi wants to meet his daddy, Jango. Jango has never heard of Sifo-Dyas. He was recruited by a man called Tyranus. Well, that’s clearly the name of a good guy. I have no doubt! Jango doesn’t have much stuff in his room. He tells Boba to pack their things so they can leave.
More romance.If Portman didn’t look really good, this would be unbearable. Wait….I lied. This is unbearable. Hayden Christiansen was in a very mediocre horror film called Vanishing on 7th Street. I wish I was watching that. Padme just rejected Anakin because she can’t live a lie. Anakin is good at taking bad news.
Obi calls up Yoda and Mace to give them an update. Nobody from the council ever authorized a clone army. They want Jango brought in for questioning. Anakin is having dreams about his mom, again. Is this a Star Wars movie or Twilight? Wow, Anakin just described what a dream is. Man, that mentoring is really paying off. Anakin needs to go check on his mom and Padme volunteers to come with him.
Obi finds Jango and Boba attempting to leave. Alright, finally, a decent scene. Obi is pulling off some Mortal Kombat style flying kicks. This is a fine fight. And I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but that is where this film shines brightest. Fun fact: I feel like I have been watching this for 7 hours. I’m barely an hour in. I just grabbed some pineapple and birthday cake protein bar.
Anakin and Padme are visiting Watto. Watto sold Shmi to a moisture farmer named Lars. Reread that previous sentence and think about those words. Lars supposedly married Shmi.
The Fetts are being stalked in space by Obi. Oh boy, pineapple plus protein bar is a BAD combination. Obi’s strong suit is clearly not in flying. Okay, I’ll eat the protein bar first then the pineapple. Obi fools Jango into believing that his ship crashed. Sort of like how Lucas tricked fans into thinking that this was an acceptable film.
C3-PO is there to greet Anakin and Padme. Hey Owen Lars and his girlfriend, Beru. You know who these people are. I will say that Beru is definitely the better looking of the 2, no contest. Owen is Anakin’s stepbrother. I hope they have enough room for activities. Now we meet Cliegg Lars, Shmi’s husband. The Tusken Raiders nabbed Shmi. 30 men went out looking for her, only 4 came back. Cliegg lost his leg. She’s been gone a month. Anakin is gonna go look for her. This guy trying to tell a Jedi what’s what. Okay, I am excited for this. Please don’t disappoint. I honestly forgot about this part of the story.
Anakin has entered some fucking building or tree or structure. He overhears the Viceroy talking to Count Dooku. His voice is so delightful. I just watched Wicker Man approximately 2 weeks ago. Such a fun movie. This was like the “evil council” meeting. It was super sinister.
Anakin has found a Tusken camp. He randomly enters a tent and finds Shmi. She looks to be in bad shape. She’s so happy and now she’s complete. She can barely talk and then she dies in his arms. If this was a wrestling show, the fans would be chanting “Ani’s gonna kill you” to the Tusken Raiders. There’s the gleam in his eye. They show him kill 3 and then cut to Yoda. Fuck this fucking movie! We deserve to see vengeance to help us connect with Anakin. You give us all this emotion and angst and love, but we need to see the violence too, stupid fucks!!!
Yoda is hearing Qui-Gon yelling Nooo to Anakin. Yoda tells Mace that something bad has happened and that Anakin is in pain. Obi is kinda stranded and he can’t get a signal. Was George Lucas mocking cell towers at the time? R2 sees Obi’s message at least.
Anakin brings back Shri’s body to Cliegg and his family. Anakin is trying to bury himself in busy work. Anakin says that he will do all kinds of shit and blames Obi-Wan for holding him back. Padme is trying to be kind. Anakin admits to killing all the Tusken Raiders, including the women and children. I think that is fair, if we’re being honest. They just basically borrowed from Kayser Soze’s story though. They have a nice memorial. Padme looks good in white. I wish I looked good in white, but I’m just too damn pasty white. People say for me to get a tan, and it’s like they’re just asking me to get a sunburn. Asses!
R2 informs Anakin of Obi’s message which gets sent to the Jedi Coucil and then Obi gets into a skirmish. Mace tells Anakin to stay where he is and protest the Senator at all costs and the council will deal with Obi’s situation. Padme says that they’re much closer, so she has a great idea. Anakin doesn’t want to go, so Padme says that she’s going anyway, and then Anakin smiles and is happy. Why? That was such a sudden turn of emotion of Anakin. Poorly written. Get used to Anakin’s flippant emotions.
Oh man, a scene with Yoda, Mace, Palpatine, Jimmy Smits, and 2 other characters. Oh, jar Jar is there too. I wish Ron Perlman was in this as that blue character. Oh, and Palpatine are playing Jar Jar.
Doke visits Obi. Oh yeah, they are on Geonosis. Obi is stuck in a suspended field of energy. Qui-Gon was Dooku’s apprentice. Nice. I want more of that story. Dooku reveals that the Senate is under the influence of the Sith Lord, Darth Sidious. Dooku asks Obi to join him. Just realizing that I have been misspelling Dooku’s name this whole time. Obi doesn’t want to join forces with Dooku. Dooku says it will be difficult to get Obi’s release.
Jar Jar is now making the proposal to give immediate powers to Palpatine. Hmmm, maybe the Jar Jar has always been evil theory isn’t so farfetched. Palpatine is going to create a grand army. Yoda is gonna visit the clones and Mace is gonna help Obi-Wan.
Padme thinks that she can talk some reason into this situation. Yeah, I’m sure that will work just fine. R2 and C3-PO are gonna leave the ship too. They’re the true dynamic duo. These creatures try attacking Anakin and Padme. Good luck with that. Now there are on this conveyor belt straight out of a video game with random obstacles. This is the production plant. Haha, R2 pushes 3PO off the edge. R2 uses his booster to go flying. Padme is attacked and she falls into this big ass bowl container. 3PO just lost his head and now his head is on another body. Ohhh, they are gonna pour some molten liquid in Padme’s pot if Anakin or R2 don’t save her. How unexpected would that have been? Just kill her right here. R2 saves her. Anakin is kinda useless and his lightsaber just got cut in half. Jango shows up to apprehend Anakin. I don’t like these flying fuckers.
Padme professes her love for Anakin as they are being held prisoner. Anakin does the whole “but you said……”. Fight rule of dealing with a bitch. Never trust the words that she says. No means no sometimes, no means yes sometimes, yes means yes only after dinner, and so on. You’re better off just being gay.
Obi, Anakin, and Padme are being chained to columns. This is some Gladiator level shit, only with executions and big ass monsters and Christopher Lee. Hahaha, love that the guy prodding the beasts got got. Why are there 4 columns? Padme is climbing to the top. She’s doing well. Anakin has his chain broken. Padme just got clawed. Nice. Man, I want to play Lego Star Wars right now. Padme has some moves. Good for her. This is how you properly show a girl being a badass, in my opinion. Or just be The Bride in Kill Bill. Everybody is free. Anakin is riding his monster. Anakin saves Padme. Obi just speared his monster, but that didn’t do much.
Viceroy wants Jango to finish off Padme and Dooku is telling him to relax. Some destroyers roll in. Mace creeps up behind Dooku. The Jedi forces are there. Dooku calls this move foolish. Jango and some clones take their best shot at Mace and the Jedi’s. Geez, there’s a lot. This is where this film FINALLY shines. The battle scenes are quite good. Boba is watching intently. Mace’s purple saber is my favorite.
Jango takes out a Jedi trying to attack Dooku. The final big monster is going after Jango but Jango takes it out. Mace just decapitated Jango!!! Shit, that was cool. If Anakin would stop talking, it’d be a lot cooler. Ohh, the one monster was still alive but Obi kills it. R2 takes 3PO’s head with him. R2 reattaches his head. Padme is doing good with just a blaster.
The Jedi’s are surrounded. Dooku asks them to surrender and Mace ain’t having that noise. Just then Yoda shows up with a fleet of ….Storm Troopers? Okay, I can dig that. They fly away. But R2 and 3PO are still stranded. Boba picks up his dad’s head. Yoda doesn’t want Dooku to escape.
This is turning into an epic battle. See how I used the term epic properly? You can learn from that. The lead Genosian and Dooku chat about Dooku’s master and the leader talks about plans for the ultimate weapon and we briefly see the Death Star on screen as an image. Lots of explosions. Dooku takes the thumbdrive with the Death Star plans on it and rides off.
They take one one of the big spherical star ships. Obi, Anakin, and Padme are hot on Dooku’s trail. Padme has fallen out of the ship. Anakin wants to save Padme but Obi says that they need to do their mission. If Anakin disobeys, he will be expelled. Dooku goes into some cave fortress. Obi and Anakin are ready to take him down, but Anakin is too foolish, rushes is and gets the Lightning. Obi is down, but Anakin makes the save. Anakin is dual wielding. Dooku shut that shit down. Okay, blue vs red lightsabers. I am sold. Dooku cuts off Anakin’s arm and pushes him to Obi.
In comes Yoda. Yoda’s gonna kill you! Dooku, you’ve got no chance in hell. No more lightning shit, let’s do some work with lightsabers. Dooku tries to drop a column onto Obi and Anakin and he escapes while Yoda makes the save. Padme, you’re little blaster ain’t gonna do shit. Dooku escapes.
Dooku meets up with Lord Sidious and Dooku is Tyrannus. Yoda, Mace, and Obi have their talk about Dooku and the Senate. Take another shot. Anakin is on his way to Naboo with Padme. Yoda warns that there won’t be such thing as a victory. There’s Jimmy Smits with Palpatine and others overlooking the massive army. Anakin and Padme are getting married.
End Film
If you put this film in the hands of somebody who wants to make a good film and allow them to edit and cut out the shit, I bet you have a really solid film here…..that lasts 75 minutes. This was 142 minutes. That’s an hour of extra unnecessary bullshit that accomplished very little.
That extra hour showed how Anakin was overly emotional, over-reactionary, and in love with Padme but also incredibly resentful of Obi-Wan. BUT you wouldn’t even know that if you just watched the final 30 minutes because the character was incredibly erratic. Please, don’t tell me that is the point. This film was here to plant some seeds, not bore us to tears.
All the Senate stuff was so boring. Here’s all I want. I want the meeting where Palpatine is like, I wish this would happen, and then cut to the scene where Jar Jar does exactly that. BOOM, you don’t need all this other bullshit.
You didn’t need the terrible chase scene early on. There was so much stuff that you could throw away. You know what you needed more of? Count Dooku’s character because he was fun and masterfully portrayed.
And the greatest trick the devil, I mean George Lucas, ever pulled was convincing the world that Episode II didn’t suck by having such an amazing finale. That finale was great and then you walk away from it with your adrenaline pumping and you don’t give 2 shits about all the mediocrity, you care about how cool it was to see Yoda fight. That is some fucking Jedi mind trick shit.
Final Rating – 5.4 – I think I am being generous here. The visuals at times look shitty and sometimes look spectacular. I was so bored by this film that it took me 3 days to get through. I need to point out that on IMDB, both Episodes I and II have a 6.5 rating and that goes to show why you NEVER trust them or even more so, NEVER trust Rotten Tomatoes. Episode I made sense and told a good story and set up the following two films quite nicely. This just shit all over that and decided that Senate talk was so much more important than improving the writing for Anakin’s character, which SHOULD have been the focus. It’s not complicated to establish Palpatine gaining control. It is complicated to have Anakin make the heel turn, which is wrestling speak for turning a good guy into a bad guy.
UPDATE – I have already had a chat about my disdain for Episode II. I hope that my buddy, Joe, doesn’t mind that I am including this. He made the valid point that Episode II “lets Ewan McGregor really stretch his legs as Obi-Wan.” I think that is something that I overlooked in my review. But if I am being honest, I preferred Qui-Gon at his pinnacle over Obi-Wan’s pinnacle in the prequels. Episode II allowed Obi-Wan to have better hair and that alone was a huge bonus for me. So I just wanted to acknowledge a valid argument for Episode II, although it doesn’t do enough to really affect my final rating. I’m not sure what would affect my rating aside from the Kent cut of the film which is about an hour long and makes the film an enjoyable experience. But if anybody else wants to present an argument and presents it cordially, I will hear you out. Contact me personally or leave me a comment.
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