Honestly, I know I have seen Tales From the Darkside: The Movie. I think I have seen it multiple times. I don’t remember a damn thing about it though. I know that Stephen King wrote one of the stories as did Arthur Conan Doyle. George Romero was involved in the screenplay. This has Christian Slater, Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, James Remar, and William Hickey. I should remember this, right? Maybe watching it will help.
Start Film
Many fans and Tom Savini consider this film to unofficially be Creepshow 3. I really enjoyed the actual Creepshow 3.
I do remember this wraparound story with Betty, who wants to eat this boy, Timmy. She feeds him cookies. She has a prison cell in her kitchen. Yes, Timmy is played by Joey Lawrence’s brother, Matthew. Anyway, Timmy is trying to stall Betty. So he reads her a story from the book.
Lot 249
Edward Bellingham collects antiques and he goes to college with Lee and Andy. Bellingham by Steve Buscemi, who is younger here, but never looks truly young. Andy is played by Christian Slater and Lee is played by Robert Sedgwick. Lee is dating Andy’s sister. Ed knows that he’s probably going to get screwed out of the primrose award, or some such stuff, but it was basically Andy’s sister, Susan, played by Julianne Moore. Edward wants to show them what is in his newest delivery, Lot 249. It’s a mummy. Holy shit balls, Julianne Moore looks incredible here.
Edward digs into the Mummy with Andy and finds a scroll with hieroglyphics. Susan is gonna return some library books and fuck with Edward. Ed can actually read this scroll, he was lying to Andy. And of course, this wakes up the mummy. The power goes out and the mummy attacks Andy and then scared Susan. I remember a few years later, Tales From the Crypt did their own Mummy story, and it was good, and loaded with talent. The Mummy walked to Lee’s place and gets a wire hanger, probably to pull out Lee’s brains, I suspect. Why are mummies usually so tall? Oh yeah, he got Lee.
Susan returns home. She finds Lee’s brains mixed in with the fruit bowl. And she sees the mummy leave. Will music videos ever be relevant again? Susan knows who killed Lee. Edward is getting the boot from the university. The Dean and some lady is at his place and Ed got accused of stealing some Per-Colombian fetish, thanks to Susan. Andy notices the mummy is missing and Edward smirks.
Susan just got attacked and stuffed by the mummy. He filled her with chrysanthemums. Then he wrapped her up. Andy was slow to the rescue. The power goes out again and now Edward is attacked by Andy.
Andy has Edward tied up and plans to set him on fire. The mummy has returned to his sarcophagus. Edward tries to wake up the mummy again. The mummy is awake, but Andy saws off a leg. He then dismantles the mummy’s arm. Now he cuts off the head. Andy is pleased with himself. Andy wants the scroll. Andy sets that on fire.
The next Day Edward is leaving. Andy never set him on fire. Edward promise to find a way to keep in touch. Probably through Facebook. Well, the priceless scroll was not what Andy burned because he was an idiot and burned the wrong scroll. What kind of taxi was Edward in? Andy then gets visited by Susan and Lee. And that’s that.
Betty was pleased by Timmy’s storytelling prowess. It’s 1 and Betty wants to start cooking. Timmy wants to tell one more story, which we know won’t be the last.
Cat From Hell
This is the Stephen King Story with the screenplay written by George Romero. But it’s the second story. Normally, you would think that is bad. But Creepshow 2’s second story was The Raft, arguably the greatest of the Creepshow stories, so let’s be patient.
Drogan (William Hickey) hired Mr. Halston to do a job for him. William Hickey is awesome. He hired Halston to do a hit. He wants a hit on the cat behind him. Halston thinks that this is some kind of joke. $50.000 in the envelope and another $50k with proof of the cat’s death. The cat has been responsible for 3 deaths in this house, and he wants to offer an explanation.
Flashback time. We see Carolyn who is friends with Amanda, who is Drogan’s sister. Then there is Richard Gage (played by Mark Margolis who played Hector Salamanca in Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul), is that you Gage? Gage is the butler. Gage kept trying to scare away the cat. But then Amanda wants to take it in. Drogan was vehemently against the cat from the very beginning.
Drogan and his family got their many from pharmaceuticals, particularly Tri-Dormal-Phenobarbin Compound G. This is a painkiller, tranquilizer, and minor hallucinogen.
Amanda is the first to die. She went to go downstairs to feed the cat, but the cat tripped her. Carolyn then became obsessed with the cat and Drogan was obsessed with killing it. The cat suffocated her and stole her breath. Cat’s Eye remembers this story.
Drogan sends Gage to a vet to have the cat put down. It escapes the basket that it was in and claws Gage in the eyes while he’s driving and gets into an accident. A week later, the cat came back. Hallston doesn’t believe that the cat is the culprit. Apparently, over 4 years of testing their drug on cats, they killed over 5,000 cats. Hallston attempts to choke the cat, but that ain’t happening. Drogan wants to cat’s tail so he can burn it. Drogan is going to leave his mansion so Hallston can do his job.
Halston’s briefcase is full of instruments of death. I approve. Hallston goes to get ice from the fridge and was attacked by the cat again. God, he is livid. His shirt is all bloody. Hallston has a syringe filled with something deadly. What I don’t get is why he pushed the plunger to let out the air. Isn’t the whole point of doing that to avoid killing someone? Hallston tries and fails, so he plays pool. But the cat clings onto his crotch. Owww.
Hallston has the cat lined up for a gunshot with a laser sight and still fails. The cat claws up Halston’s face. He shoots up the grandfather clock, misses. The cat enters his mouth and goes down into his belly. The fuck? The next day, Drogan returns home. He sees the cat rise out of Hallston. It hops on Drogan’s lap and scares him to death. Well okay.
Back to Betty and Timmy. She wants a love story. She allows him to tell a love story.
Lover’s Vow
We get a sweet ass gargoyle statue and Preston (James Remar) breaking something that he was constructing. He gets a call from Jer who works at a bar. Wyatt has been waiting there for Preston for over half an hour. Wyatt is Preston’s agent and his art is not getting bought. Wyatt won’t be his agent anymore since there’s no money. Reman does typical angry Remar things. Hahaha, Maddox at the bar is asleep. Jer is gonna take Preston home, but he put his coat on backward. Fantastic. As soon as they’re outside, Remar takes a piss. Jer and I bother wondering why he didn’t do that inside. Something is attacking Jer in the alley. It cuts off his hand and then his head. It’s a gargoyle. The gargoyle offers to let Preston live if he can promise to never tell anyone what he just saw. Seems fair. But could you keep that secret?
Preston sees a woman walking the street and scares the hell out of her. He offers to let her use his phone so she can call a taxi. Her name is Carola, almost like the crayons. Preston calls the cops but opts not to talk to them. She sees the gargoyles slash across Preston’s chest. She is really bad at cleaning his wound.
Wait….hold up! He asks her if she has tried calling the taxi She says no. He asks her if she should wait to call in the morning. Dude! That is a ballsy play. I commend him. I just hope I remember it the next time a gargoyle comes to life and cuts up my chest. That should be any day now, right?
We had some sideboob, a bit of the ole nip. Good for Remar. Good for her! In the morning, Preston draws the gargoyle. Carola is a sex-crazed fiend. Is she the gargoyle? He decides that he needs to go out briefly and tells her to wait there for him after he hears the screams of Maddox. I’m sorry, I just can’t get behind the names in this story. Preston returns and Carola has left.
Carola returns with a bag. The girl she was living with, something something, so she came here. She is a friend of a friend of Victorine Roget owns the hottest gallery downtown. At the gallery, Victorine sold a piece for $23,000. Why is Maddox at an art gallery? Maddox is super drunk. Preston is showing no signs of a chest wound. She asks if he will take care of her and her child. So he asks her to marry Time for more kissing. This is an inappropriate story for a child to be reading.
I should note all the various drawings that he has made of the gargoyle.
10 years later
She accidentally tears one of the gargoyle pictures. Wyatt has brought the kids back from a costume party. Wyatt asks if there is a party that he is missing and Carola says that tonight they are celebrating the 10 year anniversary of the night that she and Preston met. But then the daughter says “You mean when you thought he was going to rape you?” The fuck? What 9-year-old child is saying that? Wyatt is Preston’s agent again.
He tells Carola that the night that he met her, he almost died. Wyatt leaves/ Preston wants to move to the country, maybe eat a lot of peaches. Wyatt can’t get a taxi. Is it reveal time? Preston shows Carola a gargoyle statue that he made. He reveals that is what killed Jer. He tells her the story, and he’s telling her because she’s the most important thing in his life. Preston, you done fucked up.
Carola starts to cry. She yells at him for breaking his promise. Yup, she’s transforming, very painfully. How did she give birth? The gargoyle says that he betrayed his vow and now the kids are little gargoyles, so that answers my question. Carola kills Preston. And see, this is why you should never be 100% honest with a bitch. Maybe 80-90% honest. Hell maybe 95% if you truly trust her. But never 100%. They always turn out to be murderous gargoyles. They fly out of Preston’s apartment and Wyatt hears it and then gets in the taxi. And there is the stone gargoyle on top of a building with her children.
Back to Timmy and Betty. She really liked that one. Timmy is still trying to stall, but now it’s too late. He has a story with a happy ending. Timmy tells this story about a boy named Timmy. His older bro had a paper route, but he got sick, so Timmy helped. And he went to this one house and the lady at the door told him to come in. She trapped him and fed him cookies all day long so she can cook him. She says that she already knows this story because it’s happening.
Timmy is like, no no, something really weird happens. Timmy has these marbles. He threw them on the floor and the lady didn’t see them and she slipped, as she does, impaling herself on these spikes on a cart, and then the cart moves backward toward the kitchen. She drops the keys and Timmy goes for them. Timmy unlocks himself and pushes Betty into the oven. She screams and he eats a cookie.
End Film
Okay, let’s just break this down appropriately. Let’s say that each story is worth a maximum of 2.7 and the wraparound a max of 1.1 because it was shorter than the other stories.
Lot 249 had the best cast, but at the time, was Julianna Moore or Buscemi on many people’s radars? Furthermore, did any of them truly add any value to the story? I feel like Buscemi was valuable in his role, but everybody else was entirely replaceable, despite the enjoyable performances. The story was merely adequate but for 1990, it was a clever little twist. As a child, I’m sure that I didn’t see it coming. The story wasn’t great either. Kinda average. 1.5 out of 2.7
Cat From Hell was super cheesy but with significantly better performances by Halson and Drogan. The nitpicking here is that the story is such a silly Stephen King idea. It fits the Creepshow aesthetic. It isn’t good, but it is campy. It’s fun. I would go with 2.2 out of 2.7
Lover’s Vow doesn’t seem like it will be that good. And it is plodding early but it all falls into place. And I really don’t know if Young Kent guessed the plot twist. I figure, at most I was 11 or 12 when I saw this. But it is super obvious. And cheesy. But James Remar is all in on this performance he keeps it entertaining the whole way through. This feels like a Creepshow story than the others, and I know that this isn’t Creepshow, but come on, it kinda is. The story is good and just the right length. I’d give it a 2.0 out of 2.7
Finally, the wraparound story with Timmy and Betty. This felt very much like a Creepshow wraparound. Sure, it wasn’t animated, but that’s fine. It’s not great, but the ending seals the deal. Just because it felt right doesn’t mean that I found it super satisfying. 0.5 out of 1.1
Final Rating – 6.2 – That is higher than I expected, but it makes sense. The second and third stories were above average. I would recommend it if you’re cool with a semi-cheesy anthology film from 1990.
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One reply on “Tales From the Darkside: The Movie (1990)”
I love this movie. It’s needs more appreciation for giving us a good slew of diverse stories.