Well, can this be any worse than the original? Yes, yes it can.
A hot blonde is in a motel with some Jason Statham looking mother fucker. We see her fake tits and his wang. Larry and Ayesha are private investigators. They are searching for some lady’s son. They break into a house. There are a bunch of TV on in the living room, and a VHS tape and a laptop. So they have a laptop and a bunch of older standard-def TV’s. OK. There was a guy behind the girl.
Phase 1 Clinical Trials
So this guy has a chip in his eye and just had it operated upon. He has a cool looking eye, and it doesn’t look too bad. Some girl looks at him dumb. The chip in the eye is recording everything as part of the agreement with the corporation. He was playing some shoot ’em up. His teapot whistles, he comes back, the controller is moved, now teapot is moved. He sees something in his bed, like the shape of a body, but nothing. He turns around and sees a dude, he may have been bloody. He calls up the doc and is pissed. He sees a little girl in some room. He hides in his bathroom. He sleeps in his tub. He had an old school NEW, an N 64, other shit. So the chick from the doctor’s office shows up at his doorstep. Oh, she knows about seeing weird stuff and wants to come in. Her name is Clarissa. He asks if he has beers and pain killers. She wants a beer. This dude is loaded. This bitch hears the little girl. She came to warn Herman about the people. There is a creepy half nude guy outside who used to be her uncle. She shoves him down, gets topless, and they boink to avoid the dead uncle. She had big tits too, so 2 pairs so far. There is a body shape under his sheets again. This time it’s the little girl. Clarissa is dragged into the pool outside and is getting pulled under. He is trying to save her. She dead and drowned. Then a big splash. He sees all the ghosts now. He is running around inside like a mad man. He locks himself in the bathroom. He grabs a knife and jabs his new eye. I believe we just saw Clarissa at the end, and he gets attacked by everybody and is screaming.
Back to the PI’s in the house.
A Ride In The Park
Amy calls Mike, and she wants him to ride her. So he goes biking and some lady jumps out and she is bloody saying that he has to help her boyfriend, and she starts puking. He goes to look, and there’s a bunch of zombies. The lady is now a zombie too. Oh, this is a treat. Mike has been bitten in the neck. Now he is puking blood. 2 bikers find an unconscious Mike. She has him check his pulse to be sure. She is calling 911 to report. Mike is up and bites the guy in the face, and bites her leg. Mike tries eating his arm, but it doesn’t taste good, so he eats the dude’s belly and she comes and joins in. This is soooooooooooooooooooo bad. Hey, a little girl’s birthday party and the zombies are there. One guy gets it, a second guy too. This one hoss has a baseball bat and he tries. This is so bad. One guy with the shotgun, gets 3 out of the 4, don’t kill anybody though. Amy calls Mike shoots himself dead.
Back to useless PI’s. He nose is bleeding. Somebody is near Ayesha.
Safe Haven
Father has a compound full of believers. These people want permission from their leaders to interview him there. We see kids in school, everybody has jobs and are doing their thing, and our group is there at the compound. So our Adam, Lena, and Malik. Adam is the one with the camera. Everybody is enamored with “Father”. He also made sure that Liylia lost her virginity. Easy way to get young poontang. Also, she gave Lena a necklace, but she is creeped out by it, so they leave it on the ground. They get a tour. Now it is time to interview, but Lena looks very sick. Should have kept the necklace. So the first question is Father’s relationship with the children. Lena stops in the classroom, and she gets spooked with Madam and Lylia, and they say how beautiful she will be. So Adam rescues her. Father washes away impurities by railing the kids. Lena tells Adam that she is pregnant and it’s his but she is engaged to Malik. Smart. This is like an Asian Jim Jones. Hey, it’s time for the final steps to paradise. It’s time for everybody to drink their cups. A guy asks him something and Father gets pissed, and it was hilarious.
Malik or Adam just found a pregnant lady who had her baby cut out. Father is getting pissed with this guy, so he goes ninja on him and kills him with the box cutter because he wouldn’t listen. Lena tells the teachers not to allow this. There is an army marching her way of nurses, and they take her. There was a suicide room where like 8 guys shot themselves. Malik is kneeling about to be executed. Adam apologize. Malik is dead. The executioner is dead. Adam hears Lena screaming. Father is singing as the nurses carry Lena. Adam has no idea what the fuck to do. He doesn’t go back and grab a gun, he grabs a stick instead. As he approaches the room, there’s a huge explosion. There is a person crawling on the ceiling, and Father is alive, but then he just oddly exploded. The fuck? Adam is taking out the bloody nurses and gets Lena. Her belly has been carved and something is moving in her. This thing 3 times larger than Lena comes out of her. Now he finds Johnny, and everybody is a zombie. The siren is sounding. Hoss demon is giving. Some guy was fucking a girl with gore coming out after every thrust. The zombies are all coming. Adam takes out Malik. Adam breaks into his car and is driving away like a maniac and we still hear the roar. It just rammed his car. The car is flipped upside down, and he is very bloodied. The car is a rocking. Demon Goat has wings, and is on top of the car and calls Adam “Papa”. Fuck me.
The PI found the bitch dead.
Slumber Party Alien Abduction
Some kids are filming themselves dressed as robots that want to eat the dog. The younger boys get water guns and balloons and get his older sister and her friends. They lock one of the kids in a dog cage. The brother, Gary, records his sister having sex. They get revenge by recording him jacking it at a sleepover. There are also loud noises. Also somebody outside. The dog is the cameraman. The kids get abducted by aliens, like 3 or 4. The kids are being put in water. This is a fucking mess. Gary isn’t breathing. There’s an alien on the dock with the brothers and sister. Aliens chase them to the woods. This is just so fucking bad. The cops show up as the aliens close in on them. Then the cop cars just disappear. The dog gets swiped at. The sister gets abducted by 2 of them. There’s a couple up in a garage or barn with Randy. Randy gets sucked up, lets go of the dog who falls and is hurt badly and cries itself to death. REALLY????????????
Back to the PI’s. The video shows the missing son shooting his mouth off. He didn’t do a good job. Idiot. But he is still alive. Ayesha wakes up and mauls Larry. No mouth is now assaulting Larry. Larry is dead.
End film
FUCK, why was that such a chore to watch? That whole story, the tie together story was shit. Clinical Trials was one of the better ones. A Ride In The Park is not a great take on zombies in my opinion. Safe Haven was the best one, but it got stupid towards the end, to the really bad levels. Slumber Party Alien Abduction was too bullshit frantic handheld nonsense for my tastes. Nothing here was as good as 3 of the stories in the first one. So in that regard, this film was not a good sequel. Everything seemed second-rate to me, and I really wanted this to be good. I was optimistic, but it let me down. Safe Haven was the best of a letdown.
Final rating: 3.0 only due to Safe Haven
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- The Collective Studios (presents) (as The Collective)
- Bloody Disgusting (in association with)
- 8383 Productions (as 8383 Productions LLC)
- Snoot Entertainment (segments “Tape 49” and “Phase I Clinical Trials”)
- Haxan Films (segment “A Ride in the Park”)
- Yer Dead Productions (segment “Slumber Party Alien Abduction”) (as Yer Dead)
- Studio71
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